


Habit

by happydaysbus1



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (Louis is 23 and Harry is 17 when they met but he lied saying he was 19), Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Break Up, Cheating, Consensual Underage Sex, Drama, Drinking, Established Relationship, Getting Back Together, Harry’s a dick, Lilo too, Louis is a single father, M/M, Sadness, Sex, Smut, Zarry is a thing, a lot of feelings, based in love you goodbye and habit, but Louis too so it’s ok, of course
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:33:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 61,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24636136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happydaysbus1/pseuds/happydaysbus1
Summary: Harry needs to talk to him because he couldn't remake his life without him, but Louis is terrified to see him again.Or where Louis and Harry break their 5-year relationship, but 4 years later life reunites them, or rather, a secret that cannot be hidden anymore.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 111
Kudos: 167





	1. Introduction 1/3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I always said that I'd mess up eventually  
>  I told you that, so what did you expect from me? _

“It's late!” Louis had to shout into Harry's ear to be heard over the music. "It's almost four in the morning!" He yelled after taking a glance at his watch. He took Harry's hand and tried to pull him closer, putting an arm around his shoulders.

It was Thursday night and the place was full of people, it was getting a little more difficult to move. It was very noisy and he hated being all sweaty. Harry was a lover of the night, he always wanted to party, typical of someone his age.

“I'm tired, baby," Louis said as he parted.

He could see that Louis was tired, his face showed it, he had to work tomorrow, but Harry was not ready to go home, he wanted to continue drinking and enjoying good music.

He moved to the rhythm of the music as he got closer to him (not worrying too much about how bad of a dancer he was) and rubbed against his body with his hands on his ass. He missed the days when they started dating, where they stayed up every weekend and danced stupidly, laughing at how badly dressed the people around them were. Or just yearned for that night when they met. They collided on the dance floor and couldn't take their eyes off each other.

It was love at first sight.

All those memories simply disappeared, as if they had never existed. He was dancing and being ridiculous for Louis to laugh and use that look that was not much different from how he was looking at him now; except it was different, somehow it felt different.

“Come on, you like this song!" Harry shouted, moving his hips back and forth, making Louis smile.

Finally, Louis reciprocated the game, and he wrapped his waist in a hug, just enough to press him closer. He rested his mouth close to Harry's ear to whisper. "Why don't you dance at home like this?"

Louis squeezed his hand tighter on Harry's back, and the other shamelessly brought it to his crotch. There were a lot of people around them and Louis was unconcerned that anyone would notice him because he felt excellent to let it pass right now. Harry kissed him, and the kiss was too dirty, desperate.

It was the closest they had been in weeks.

“Let's go to the bathroom. Let's do it in the bathroom,” Harry suggested, almost sounding like a fantasy confession. He slipped his tongue over Louis's neck, enjoying the feel of his shudder in response.

"It could be better at home, though." Louis gasped in Harry's ear. "I could make it worthwhile."

That was an offer difficult to ignore, but Harry was excited about the idea of having sex in the bathroom of that disco, and he did not want to go home, that would take away how exciting the adrenaline of fear of being discovered felt. It had been a good night and he didn't want it to end that fast, even for a fuck. Especially for a quick fuck, (since he was sure it would be a quick one).

"I want us to stay here."

Harry was serious, he wanted to have sex there, he didn't want to go home and practice the same boring positions as always. However, Louis laughed as if it were a joke and gave him a little push.

"Come on," he said, and started to walk away from Harry. “We're going home.”

Louis started making his way through the crowd and Harry followed after him feeling more defeated than hot.

*******

“Up for a run with me?”

“You always ask me the same thing. Has my answer ever changed? “

"I still hope it's a matter of time before you change your mind."

"Why would I want to go running when I have a nice sofa to support my beautiful ass and take a nap?"

"You are an old man."

"Sorry, you were the one who wanted to go out last night and return at five in the morning."

“Are you still mad about that?"

"No, I'm just trying to get some rest because I have a million things to do. It's not all about partying.”

“Ok.”

And with that Harry ran off, leaving Louis on the couch and in a fucking mood for arguing again.

******

"We could go out tonight, what do you think?"

Louis did not look up from the screen of his laptop in front of him. “It’s Sunday.”

“So?”

“I have work in the morning. Every Monday of the year”

“... AND?” Harry chuckled a little as he paced back and forth in front of the couch.

“So I can't go out, I must rest," Louis replied, then looked up because Harry said nothing, and was standing in front of him. "I mean, if you want to go out with your friends...”

Harry considered the idea for a moment before shaking his head, then shrugged. He sat down on the sofa next to him, and laid his head on his shoulder. “No, it's not okay. You're probably right, it's a bad idea.”

******

“You still haven't considered the idea of moving to Holmes Chapel? There is a beautiful house for sale near my mother's house. I was finding out—“

"No," Louis replied immediately, without looking up from the television. "I like Doncaster." Louis stood up. He wasn't yelling, but he usually did when they were about to score a goal. It was a few minutes before Louis remembered Harry's question, and he frowned as he turned to see him. “Babe... Since when do you not like Doncaster?”

“Not that I don't like it." Harry shrugged. "I was just thinking of ...”

“Why?” Louis asked as he threw himself down on the sofa, he made a space for Harry when he noticed that he was sitting down. Louis took a gulp of beer and put his arm around Harry's shoulders, laying him on his chest.

He believed that everything was perfect.

“For nothing, Lou."

Louis narrowed his eyes and kissed his curls. ”Tell me, love. Why are you considering the idea of moving?” Harry was silent for a moment, his gaze fixed on the hem of Louis' shirt that was curling into his fingers. Louis lifted him from his chest, and lifted his chin to connect their gazes. “Is everything fine?”

No “Yes”

“Do you want to go back to your town?"

Harry shrugged against his chest, and hugged him. "Not really, I don't know. I just miss my mother and sister sometimes.”

He seemed somewhat insecure, and Louis worried for a moment that perhaps this was serious, that he really wanted to leave. “Baby if that's why, you know we can always go visit them. Your sister was here two weeks ago, your mother comes at least once a week.”

“Yes, you're right," said Harry, and laughed.

Louis laughed at that, too, but didn't realize Harry faked his laugh. Wow, 5 years together and Harry can fake well now.

"We'll go see them over the weekend, baby. I promise.”

“Okay” Harry said and raised his face to kiss his chin. “It's okay.”

********

"Did you drag me all the way here to look at a house?"

It was cold, nightfall, and Harry was in a bad mood.

"Not just any house," Louis clarified, too enthusiastic for a gray and gloomy afternoon. He grabbed Harry and rested his back on his chest. "It could be our home."

Harry looked at him. “Our home?”

“Of course! I mean, it's a little shabby, yes, and maybe it's a little small, and we should add rooms for our children, but the price is quite good, we could buy it.”

Harry looked towards the house, without any expression on his face.

"I know, I know," Louis interrupted him before he could say anything. “You do not like it.”

“That's not the problem. I thought if we were to move, you would consider going to Holmes Chapel.”

"We've been renting that apartment for two years," he said, and his gaze moved towards the house, his eyes hopeful on it, the surrounding courtyard and the little garden someone had planted by the front steps. “Don't you think it's time to, you know, take the next step? Buy something of ours. Invest in some property.”

“I don't think this is the kind of place I would invest in anyway," Harry said doubtfully, glancing at the window panes that were practically didn’t allow them to look inside because they were too dirty.

Harry's family was high class and he attended a private university that Louis now paid for with his poor salary. Louis had always been lower middle class, and did not earn a good salary at work; Most of the money went to household expenses and Harry's studies, this house was the only thing within his reach. Harry had told him millions of times that his family would give him the money he needed to have a better life, but Louis never wanted to accept a penny, because when Harry moved to his house he promised that he would not lack anything.

They had been together for 5 years. Harry had just turned 22 and Louis, 28.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****English is not my first language, so you probably see a lot of grammatical errors. Please feel free to correct me and I will edit it as soon as possible for better reading. If you want to be my beta, just write to me. Thank you ❤️


	2. Introduction 2/3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You gave me the time and the space_   
>  _I was out of control, and I'm sorry I let you down_

> _We will go for some drinks after leaving class, love. Come to the bar when you’re done there at home._

“Who are ‘we’?”

> _You already know them, love. The boys, Niall, Sarah and ..._

“Oh”

> _Louis_

“You’ll have to go without me, baby. I have a lot of work to do, anyway.”

> _Nick is just a friend, love_

“It’s okay”

Harry paused, pressing his phone in his hand, swallowing hard, then released a lengthy breath, hoping that Louis would hear him.

> _I will go home when I get out of here._

Harry hung up.

Louis’ jealousy was not on a whim. Harry had a brief history with Nick before he met him, but they were friends now. Harry expected Louis to call him back, apologize, and agree to go with them to the bar, but that didn’t happen.  
Better than that, Louis surprised him on his way out of college, and then they all went to the bar together.

*******

He had never looked at another man. He wouldn’t change Harry for anyone.

I mean, another man.

Well, Vanessa was hot. So what? It wasn’t as if he wasn’t looking at women anymore just because he had been in love with a beautiful boy for years. He couldn’t help but avert his eyes to good legs and firm thighs of any brunette in his sight. Vanessa had all that and more.

So yes, Louis had looked at her, of course. But that meant nothing. He wouldn’t run after her or have some kind of relationship with her or do anything with her. He loved Harry and would be incapable to cheat on him.

Harry had everything he liked, and everything that turned him on. Sex was always good, he believed, even after years of being together and knowing every inch of each other’s bodies. And putting aside the issue of sex, Harry was his best friend in the world. He was fun (in his own way) and very serious about important things. No one understood him better than Harry, and no one compared to him.

There was nothing wrong with flirting with other people.

*******

“Can you remember that you have to pick up my shirt from the dry cleaner?”

“Sure, baby. But I will work till late.”

“Again?”

“I told you I have to do overtime this month.”

“Well then, don’t say you can pick up my shirt, I will do it myself. See you later.”

That was their only conversation of the day.

*******

They didn’t buy the house.  
They decided (and if Louis was really honest with himself; it was more like Harry decided) to sign a new lease for one more year in the apartment they lived in now. The flat they’ve been living in for the past two years was a good enough place, actually, near the office and the university. (And the bars Harry liked to frequent).

Louis wanted to move into that house. It truly looked like a family home. Yes, it was a bit out of the way to his job, but driving wouldn’t be a problem. He wanted them to have their own home, have children soon, change their environment, but...

It’s okay, really.

*******

“It’s Nick’s birthday,” Harry said, trying not to look at Louis at the moment as he surely rolled his eyes. He hated it when he did that.

“Wasn’t his birthday last week when you went out and got drunk?”

“That was his actual birthday day. Tonight is his party.“

”Why does someone need to celebrate his birthday twice?”

”Because his birthday was Wednesday, and he didn’t want to throw a party in the middle of the week. That’s why we went out to a bar.”

“Try not to get drunk again,” Louis said loudly, his angry tone really tiresome. Harry hated his jealousy.

”Don’t be jealous.”

”I’m not jealous.”

“It’s not like you can’t come with us. I will write down his home address in case you change your mind.”

Louis gave a false laugh. “And see that stupid man hang on to you? See how he stares at you all night? No, thanks.”

“Enough,” Harry frowned. “He is only a friend.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to sleep with you, because believe me, he does.” Louis crossed his arms over his chest and looked at him defiantly. “And you look at him too much, too.”

Harry put his hands on his hips. “So what? It’s not like I didn’t catch you looking at some girl from time to time. Who cares? Just because he still likes me doesn’t mean I will try something with him. It’s not like I never look at other people, anyway.”

”You do?”

“You do it too.”

“It’s different, Harry!” Louis replied, his voice screaming dangerously close.

Harry screamed even louder. “Just because you’re insecure doesn’t make me a motherfucker. If you have self-esteem issues or this isn’t working, it’s not just my fault, Louis.”

“This is not working?” Louis’ eyebrows rose almost to his hairline. He wanted to break something, scream, he couldn’t decide what to do exactly. “What is not working?” He shouted again, even though he was pretty sure he knew what Harry would say.

“After all these years,” Harry muttered, pointing an accusing finger. “You still can’t admit you’re gay, even yourself, so you drool over every girl who walks by your side just to - to prove something.”

“Bullshit,” Louis whispered, so angry he couldn’t even scream. They never really talked about sexuality. Harry was gay, and Louis had only been with Harry. “Everyone knows that I’m with you. What does it matter if I’m gay or straight or whatever? You’re just looking for excuses to be upset and you know it.”

“Excuses? I’m sure even Vanessa doesn’t know you’re gay. You flirt with her, I saw your messages.”

“Have you been checking my messages? I can’t keep this conversation going,” Louis yelled, waving his hands in the air. “I’m done, I’m done with this!”

He didn’t want to say anything in particular, this meant nothing more than a passing discussion. But it affected Harry, his face falling, and he took a step back as if someone had hit him. 

Louis’ stomach was churning. He was breathing hard, angry, and everything suddenly felt like shit, but he forced himself to take a deep breath. He hadn’t wanted to yell at him, and the messages with Vanessa were only for work. Maybe she sent a lot of kissing emojis and he returned them, it wasn’t important. Harry didn’t have to worry about it, Louis would be incapable to cheat on him. That’s a fact.

He laid back on the bed and tried to calm down, he thought things were not so bad. Harry said nothing else. Instead, he went into the room to find his coat from the closet and then left.

It was only when he walked a few blocks, with his hands in his pockets and staring at the ground in front of him, that he realized that for him, perhaps, things were terrible.

He went to the party anyway. He came back drunk and maybe ... maybe he kissed someone else.

“I’m sorry,” Harry whispered the next morning. Louis was in the breakfast room, drinking a cup of tea, and Harry hugged him, kissing his shoulder.

He had spent most of the night drinking and dancing, trying not to think too much about the discussion, but it hadn’t worked out so well, because he acted out of spite. He kissed and exchanged numbers with another boy from college.

Louis ignored him during the day, but he couldn’t be mad for long. Later, he sank onto the bed to snuggle up behind Harry and wrapped his arm around his waist. 

“I love you,” he whispered before pressing his face against the back of his neck and inhaling the familiar scent of him.

Harry turned around and returned the hug. “I love you too.”

Because it was the truth, Harry didn’t know what his life would be like without Louis. He didn’t know how he would survive without him. Louis was his home. So maybe things were not as bad as he thought.

*******

Still, he worried.

They hadn’t been talking much lately. Harry suddenly realized one day like any other. They argued all the time about household chores. About not forgetting to pay bills on time. What color to paint one wall? What will be the shopping list for the month? Or simply who had to take the trash out.

It was the fifth conversation about nothing in two days, and that was what made Harry’s heart beat faster, a panicked rhythm when he realized: _Shit, we’re adults._ A boring, stable couple — grown-ups, who talk about nothing other than housework, working, breakfast, shopping, and bills and repeating the same stupid arguments over and over and over.

He got scared.

******

“Oh, it’s perfectly normal,” Nick told him, leaning back into his seat and rejecting the idea that Harry should worry about this.

“You really believe so?” Harry asked.

”Of course! It happens to all couples.” Nick assured, and for some reason, Harry rolled his eyes.

“Why am I even listening to you? You have not been in a relationship that has lasted more than a month.“

“That’s only because I give up when the routine arrives. I won’t let a relationship bore me. Will you?” He smiled.

Harry wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react to that.

“So what, are you saying I should break up with Louis?”

Nick sighed deeply. “Of course not, only you can decide that. You kissed someone else and you say it was insignificant. If you ask Louis what he thinks about it, he may tell you that you cheated on him and you are very sure that a kiss is not being unfaithful, so I don’t know what to say.”

“Thanks for the help,” Harry mutters blankly.

“Would you listen to me anyway if I told you to broke up with him?” Nick grew serious then, resting his elbows on the table between them to rest his chin on his hands. “Look, you and Louis have been together for... well, a lot of years, right? Four?“

“Five,” Harry corrected him gently and took a sip of his coffee.

“Yes, well, five years is forever. You are practically married. It makes sense that you two started acting like an old marriage once in a while, don’t you think?“

That was supposed to make him feel better, which was pretty sure it was Nick’s idea, but all his words made his heart pick up the pace again, the same feeling of panic he’d had the other day.

 _Just like an old marriage._ He was barely twenty-two years old, and he was practically married.

He wanted to vomit.

********

“Is there no more milk?”

“There’s still a little.”

“Yes,” Harry complained, closing the nearly empty box on the kitchen counter, while Louis slowly chewed on his cereal. ”A little. So little that it is not even enough for a full glass. Why put it back in the fridge?”

Louis shrugged, and Harry couldn’t be sure that he wasn’t intentionally doing this to make him mad. 

“Because there was still a little. Not a big deal, Harry. I’ll go shopping later.“

Harry sighed heavily through his nose and clenched his teeth, forced himself to put that aside for now because he had other things to do, and in a few minutes Louis would go to work.

“Remember that my office party is tonight.”

Harry froze, then dropped his spoon down into the mug, looking at him instantly.

”What?” Louis asked, dreading the answer that surely was bad news because of Harry’s face.

”Gemma will be a godmother, and Emma’s baptism party is tonight."

“Well,” Louis murmured, waving his hand, searching for a way to fix this problem quickly. “You are not the godfather. Why do you need to be there?”

Harry stared at him, and Louis knew immediately that he was angry, but he didn’t quite understand what he had said to make him angry.

“I told you weeks ago that tonight was the baptism party.”

“And I told you about this party days ago, and you have said nothing to remind me of it,” Louis shot again, annoyed.

Harry rolled his eyes. “Well, I’ve been busy remembering all the bullshit you say. This may not seem as big and important as your finance party or whatever” because he never really paid attention to what Louis was doing at work.

“Do you really need to go tonight, baby?” Louis pouted. ”I want you to be with me." Well, it’s not like he really needed him at the party, but he had to pretend he was because they were arguing.

“But it is important to be there for Gemma.”

”Harry, all my bosses and important guys from the company will be there. You know I’m trying to get a raise, I should go and socialize. It will be good for me to be there.”

“Will Vanessa be there?” Harry asked, folding his arms.

Louis frowned. ”What? Of course, she will be, she works at the company.”

“Well then, why do you pretend you’re interested in my presence at that stupid party if she’ll be there, anyway?” Harry raised an eyebrow, and Louis wanted to bang his head against the counter furniture.

“Shit, Harry! Is that a cover for yourself? That excuse to pretend jealousy has expired.“ Louis spat out anger. Maybe he sounded defensive, but he didn’t care. “There is nothing between her and me. You know there is nothing.“

“There must be something with someone else then because you don’t even touch me,” Harry yelled again. “I feel like this isn’t working anymore”

Louis couldn’t think of anything to say to that. He knew it was true; he was aware of it too, but he wasn’t quite sure Harry had noticed it too.

“Can’t you feel it?” Harry asked looking at him with his face full of seriousness and sadness, he didn’t know how to really describe it.

“Yes,” Louis replied, his tone calm. “I can feel it.”

Neither of them said anything for a few moments. The air between them felt rancid and empty, like a cloud of depression that had suddenly dropped on them. Louis was staring at the counter and Harry was trying not to look at him. Instead, he shot his gaze at a fist mark on the wall. In one of their discussions, Louis hit the wall so hard that he had his hand bandaged for weeks.

“So,” Louis finally broke the silence. “What should we do about it?”

“I’m not sure.” Harry shrugged. “I guess ... I guess I’m not going to Emma’s party, I’m staying home tonight.”

“I’m not just talking about tonight, Harry.”

“I know,” Harry cringed again, not knowing what else to do. “It’s a start, though, isn’t it?”

Louis considered this for a moment before looking at Harry, nodding. “It wouldn’t be so bad if I miss the office party. Getting a raise is important, but you are more important.”

Harry nodded his head too. “Maybe we need to spend more time together?” It wasn’t like they needed time to get to know each other, but it definitely felt like they really didn’t know each other at all. But he didn’t say it.

“Yes,” Louis said, without the relieved tone Harry was expecting. ”That would be fine. We should spend more time together.”

So they both called in sick to their respective obligations and ordered a pizza. They spent the day in pajamas, playing with the X-Box and not saying a lot of things that maybe the two of them had to say. 

They spent time together, with fits of laughter at times and the occasionally stolen kisses.

It had been a nice day.


	3. Introduction 3/3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I know you said that you'd give me another chance  
>  But you and I knew the truth of it in advance  
> That mentally, you were already out the door _

They were arguing more and more about insignificant things like clothes, shopping and where to go on vacation. Harry was seriously beginning to think that maybe they should just go on vacation separately, when Louis came home jumping, and his bright face was excited.

“I have a - well, what I mean is, I’ve been thinking,” Louis muttered in a messy run, disregarding Harry’s dizzy feeling just watching him jump from side to side.

“You have...”

“I’ve been thinking,” Louis corrected.

“Okay, you’ve been thinking about what?”

“Well... So, I’ve been thinking...”

“Yes, it was clear to me that you have been thinking.”

“Sorry, I’m nervous. Okay, I’ve been thinking we have to... do something. You know, to solve this problem, what is happening between us.“

“Okay...” Harry said doubtfully. 

Louis was looking at him too excited, near maniacal as he moved a chair to sit next to him. Harry wasn’t sure this would be all right, but then, he had no idea how to fix things, or even what was broken. So he let Louis take his hand and look at him seriously in the eye.

“We can have a baby.”

Harry’s mind went blank. “Huh?”

“A baby,” Louis repeated. “I think we should have one.”

To Harry, it was as if he was speaking Chinese out of a sudden. “A baby?”

“Yes.”

Harry shook his head, trying to make sense of this. “A human baby? A real one?”

“Okay,” Louis started. He was looking down at where he was still holding Harry’s hand and caressed his knuckles with his thumb. That did nothing to mitigate Harry’s confusion. Louis swallowed, he seemed to try to find the right words. “I’ve been thinking about you, me, and our relationship,” he continued after a moment, slowly this time, all the manic energy he had earlier was suddenly gone. “About it’s not working like before. And… it’s just that I’m a little scared…” He stopped for a beat and continued. “I’m afraid of losing you, Harry.”

He looked up, and then Harry automatically squeezed his fingers, trying to cheer him up. It felt bad to know that Louis was so scared about their relationship deteriorating that he could say it out loud.

“And I’ve been thinking about what we can do, what we need. We need something to bring us back together, connect again, don’t you think?”

Harry wasn’t so sure that it was a good idea. How was he even going to take care of another human being? A baby? He was one of those still. But then, he thought he wasn’t quite sure he knew what was wrong with them either, so maybe that was what they should do after all. They just needed to reconnect or something.

“And what better way for two people to connect than to bring a baby into the world?” Louis muttered, his voice so full of heat and intensity that Harry almost believed he was right. “Begin a family together. We need that.”

“A son,” Harry murmured, not really thinking about it, just echoing something Louis had said some time ago. _Our children’s room must have..._

“Exactly.” Louis smiled when he thought Harry had already agreed with it. He looked relieved, and Harry hated to burst his bubble.

“Louis,” he began with a sigh, shaking his head. Louis’ eyebrows down; He looked nervous again, and Harry rubbed his forehead with his free hand. “We can’t have a baby.”

“Why not? Of course we can.”

“We don’t have what it takes to have a baby. Hello, I don’t have a vagina, nor do you have a uterus.”

“I’ve already thought about that,” Louis laughed. “I’ve been doing the math, and artificial insemination wouldn’t be too expensive, I could ask for a loan.”

“I’m pretty sure you still need a girl for that,” Harry pointed out, hoping he would find a breach somewhere in the plan. Not realizing that Louis had spent all this time doing his research.

“I was talking to Vanessa about it and she already offered to—“

“Vanessa?” Harry asked, trying to contain his laughter. “That stupid girl can’t raise a boy properly.”

“Well, I told her about this and she offered to help us. She wouldn’t take care of raising the baby, she would only grow it in her womb and give birth to him. She doesn’t want kids of her own, so that’s great for us”

“Insemination,” Harry replied, still trying to analyze the whole situation.

“Exactly.” Louis reaffirmed.

“And... what exactly do you expect?” Harry leaned towards the counter but kept a firm grip on Louis’ hand. “Having children is expensive. All the stuff they need, the clothes, the care. We would need to hire a babysitter because it’s not like we have a lot of free time to take care of him”

“Well, I was thinking...” Louis drawled, as if he knew how nervous Harry was. “I was thinking you could go to a public university. I mean, I know you can. If that were the case, we would have more money, and... maybe you wouldn’t go out all the time and you could take care of him for a few hours until I return from work”

Harry swallowed hard. His heart started to beat with that panicked rhythm again and he was sure Louis could hear it. The entire conversation was sounding more and more like marriage, responsibilities, adult life, and he wasn’t ready.

No.

The palms of his hands were sweaty, he shook his head. Finally, he managed to let go of Louis’ hand and tuck his hair back. Louis felt a bolt of pain in his chest at that moment.

“Harry,” he said calmly and firmly. “I know, I know this is a kind of sudden idea ...”

 _A rather stupid idea._ Harry thinks.

“But I think it could be very good for us,” Louis continued to lean forward to try to get Harry’s attention again. “It could be just what we need.”

And when Harry finally returned his gaze, Louis looked so serious, so confident, that he felt something break inside him when he thought, _maybe..._

“Do you think so, love?” He asked, allowing Louis to take his hand again.

“Yes, my life.” Louis smiled softly, lacing their fingers together. “Can’t you see it? Us, with a baby, our own family.”

Harry could see it, of course. That was something he had always imagined he would want someday. But he never thought about it concretely, not now, perhaps in a few years.

But perhaps now was the right time. Maybe you never know when the right time is, maybe it’s normal that he just agreed to go through with that plan on an ordinary day while still not sure about it. People have children for all kinds of reasons, Louis seemed so sure that this was a good reason.

It felt like he was sick, but he nodded. “Maybe yes, maybe it could be good.”

Louis exhaled deeply as if someone had lifted a weight off him. His entire face broke into a smile. He grabbed Harry by the back of his neck and yanked him, pressing his lips together, and then their entire bodies. Harry reciprocated, sinking into the hug, opening his mouth, allowing the kiss to flow, loving the feel of Louis’ hands touching his body once more.

It was strange, but things actually felt better now.

********

They agreed that they wouldn’t find out who the biological father was. They would inseminate a stranger with both of their sperm and let nature take its course. After all, they were both going to be the boy’s parents anyway, (although Harry believed he was too young to be a father, and he went along with it only because Louis kept talking about how excited and happy he was with the idea, assuring him all the time that things were going to get better).

Harry took care of all the shopping and planning, and they chose possible names together. And it was kind of fun to think of names, to imagine himself teaching the child to play soccer or ride a bicycle or read. It was nice, of course ... it should be, right?

They walked in the hallways of a baby store holding hands, and another couple walked by their side, a man and a woman with a baby in their arms. The woman looked at them both, and Harry was suddenly hit with that old familiar stab, the nervousness that people were looking at them, judging them, and suddenly felt itchy and uncomfortable.

Louis, of course, didn’t notice; Instead, he looked down at the wheels of a stroller, and elbowed him to check it out because he wanted to say he liked that stroller model, he would definitely buy one of those. Harry’s palms were getting sweatier.

“Can I help you with anything?” A saleswoman asked as she approached them, the smile lost on them. “Are you looking for something for a gift, or - for yourselves? Sorry, I must say you are a beautiful couple.”

“Thanks and no” Harry said and grabbed Louis by the arm to pull him out of the store.

“What was that?” Louis laughed as he stumbled a little.

Harry put his hands in his pockets and walked away with determination, not looking at Louis or anything, really, just looking at the ground. “She thought we were like... Fine. Together.”

“We are together,” Louis replied, laughing again.

“We’re going to have a baby,” Harry said stiffly, pulling away to put some space between them. 

Everything hit him suddenly, what they would look like with a baby in their midst. People would see them on the street, walking along with a baby stroller in their midst, holding hands or something, and... he was not ready.

“Well, we’re not done with the paperwork yet, but hopefully we will soon,” Louis replied, all trace of amusement gone from his voice. “Is everything alright, baby?” He caught his arm and forced him to stop walking to stand in front of him. “What’s the problem?“

Harry shook his head quickly. “Nothing, nothing, that’s fine,” he said in a rush, trying to walk away from him, but Louis kept firm control of his arm.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Harry replied with a forced smile. “Everything is fine.” He leaned forward to kiss Louis quickly, hoping he would quell any doubts he had, because they’d been together too long, and he couldn’t have these same stupid fears.

Louis felt a tightness in his chest but said nothing more when Harry took him by the hand and clung to him as they continued walking.

 _I can do this,_ Harry thought. He was sure he could. He had Louis by his side.

**********

  
“You’re just scared,” Nick assured.

“I know,” Harry sighed sulkily as he stared at his beer. “You are right, I know you are right.”

Nick was silent for a moment before saying it. “I wonder, though, if there’s nothing else that’s causing you to panic.”

Harry didn’t respond immediately, instead, he took a long sip of his beer, gulping it down as if it was water he had found in the middle of the desert. “I’m not sure I want to be a father at all, at least not yet,” he confessed in a silent, harsh tone.

“If you don’t want to do this, you have to tell him now,” Nick replied firmly.

“I can’t,” he said, taking another long gulp of his beer. “You don’t understand what he and I have been through. If I say I don’t want this now, how will we fix what’s wrong?”

He imagined losing Louis and shook his head. He was met with fear and uncertainty because he didn’t want to lose Louis.

“Harry.”

“Don’t say anything.” He stood up, swaying a bit, and walked through the crowd, getting lost, looking for a place where he could drink alone and no one could interrupt his thoughts.

He didn’t speak to his mother about the baby, not even Gemma. Every time he spoke to them on the phone, he managed to find something else to talk about. Maybe that was weird, but Louis didn’t tell any of his family either. They preferred to keep it private until they took the next step which was supposed to happen in no time.

Everything was fine.

**********

  
Harry grabbed Louis’ hand and pulled him forward so that they both fell onto the bed. Louis giggled the whole time and Harry smiled at him. In the past few months, they had been happier.

He leaned down to kiss him, then moved to press his mouth against Louis’ chin, his jaw, and then sucked on his neck.

“We won’t be able to do this anytime we want,” Louis sighed as he clasped his hands to Harry’s shoulders, holding him close. “I mean, once the baby arrives.”

Harry paused while licking his neck to say, “No more talking about the baby for a while, okay?”

Louis sighed, but not that kind of heavy sigh but rather a sigh that he had been letting out lately when he’s upset with Harry; He threw his head back so that Harry could kiss his neck. He hummed sounding satisfied as Harry tugged at his shirt collar so he could bite into his collarbone.

Suddenly, the hands that had been on his back were dipped below his waist. Harry laughed when Louis let out a high-pitched noise as he squeezed his ass. He moved up to press his lips against Louis’, and he stuck his tongue out instantly.

“Straight to the point, right?” Harry smiled against his mouth. Louis shrugged against him in response as he leaned down to catch his mouth again. “Well then,” Harry agreed, grinding up against Louis. 

His fingers were tempted to pull down his pants because their cocks were so hard now, and he bit down hard on Louis’ neck.

Louis gasped, panting, and stopped moving just long enough for Harry to remove his shirt to the side of the bed; He took his pants off when Harry started undressing.

He sat up and wrapped his legs around Harry’s bare waist, kissing his chest. Harry groaned when he paused to lick his nipples. He squirmed a little and Louis smiled against his chest, looking up. He kept looking at Harry as he licked the tip of his cock, then brought it to his mouth in its entirety. Harry smirked up at him happily and his fingers wrapped around Louis’ hair.

Nothing else could be better than this. It was nice when they were slow and took their time with each caress; although they also loved it when everything was fast and desperate, dirty.

They both did their part, they were both trying.

They always climaxed together, which wasn’t really surprising at all. They had too much chemistry, just that.

Harry kept his eyes open and stared at Louis while he slept. It was kind of fascinating, like he couldn’t believe they were here together, even after all this time.

But fear was still there, creeping under his skin, and it was getting harder to ignore.

*********

“You’re late,” Louis said about thirty seconds after Harry entered the door.

“We just went out to have a few drinks.”

“It’s two in the morning, how many drinks were there?”

“Are you upset again?” Harry didn’t even wait for an answer, he continued on his way to the shower.

He hardly slept next to him at night anymore.

*******

  
“We have a meeting at the clinic next week,” Louis announced. “We will find out if she is pregnant or not.”

They were both silent for a while and Harry felt a frantic blow that was familiar. His heart pounding, heavy and painful. He was desperate to just run, run, and keep running.

“Harry,” Louis broke the silence after a moment. He reached out to put a hand on his boyfriend’s knee, but that did nothing to calm his nausea. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Harry replied. It was almost true.

“Okay, you can be nervous.” Louis smiled and started rubbing a circle against Harry’s knee. “It’s normal, even I’m a little scared about becoming a parent too.”

Harry shook his head and still wasn’t looking up. “I’m not nervous,” he said, and Louis never knew that shaky voice until now.

Nothing was all right.

“You seem nervous somehow, baby,” Louis replied. Harry could hear the smile in his voice, and his guts twisted.

“I’m not nervous. I don’t want to be a father.”

He stopped breathing for a moment, waiting for Louis to respond. When there was no answer in what seemed like forever, Harry raised his head and looked at him hesitantly.

Louis was stone-faced, his brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I-I don’t want to be a father,” Harry repeated, unsure of himself. “Not yet. Maybe someday, but not now. It’s too early, I’m too young, I am not ready for this yet.”

“You are not ready” Louis’ expression hadn’t eased even a little and Harry couldn’t look at him any longer, he shifted his gaze to the wall opposite to them.

“I don’t know. Not really, no.” _Fix this problem, fix this problem, find a way to fix this problem._

But he had no idea how to do it.

Louis breathed heavily, audibly now, too. Harry could see him out of the corner of his eye, placing both hands over his head and grasping his hair. That made Harry feel sick again.

“It could be just nerves,” Louis said, stumbling. “You must be panicking, baby. It will pass ...”

“I’m not panicking,” Harry replied, angrier and unsure. “Because of this.” He paused and took a deep breath. He strained to look him in the eye. ”This is a mistake. We are making a mistake in believing that a child would fix things. On the contrary, it would only make it worse. We have problems, open your eyes, Louis.”

Louis shook his head, rejecting the notion immediately, and squeezed his eyes shut. He thought he knew what this meant. They would break up, they would. Right now, in a week, or a month. Harry reacted the same way too because he knew it, he knew it was true.

Louis wanted to start a family, and he was not ready for that.

They could no longer fix it.

“No, no, no,” Louis replied. “They’re just nerves, you’re just-“

“Stop saying that,” Harry cut him off abruptly. Louis’ eyes opened and the two men looked at each other. “A baby won’t solve anything, Louis.” He desperately wanted to take Louis’ hand, try to calm him down, but he was sure he would be rejected if he tried.

“You should have said it,” Louis claimed, through the sudden tears that had formed in his eyes. “You could have said it before I got my hopes up on all this. Before...”

“I couldn’t.” Harry shook his head. “I’m sorry...“

“You’ve had ample time, Harry. You can’t tell me this when the baby is practically here!”

“I couldn’t,” Harry repeated, wanting to bang his fists against something. “You were so excited about this, so sure this was what you wanted and that it would be good for us. I couldn’t, I couldn’t say no.“

“So you’re nothing but a coward, then.” Louis spat out anger.

“I wanted this to work as much as you do!”

“What? The baby or our relationship?”

“Both,” anger came quickly, burning through him and taking up all the space in his chest, he was so enraged that he could hardly feel the fear of losing Louis or hurting him. “You were the one who came up with this grand plan to have a baby to save the relationship. What were you thinking?”

“You agreed with it!” Louis spat back. ”Not once did you say you were scared or overwhelmed or that you didn’t want to be a father. Not even in all the times we went to the doctor. We went to stores to see what we could buy, we talked about names and everything.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have waited this long to tell you, but you were the one who started all this.”

“Did I start it?” Louis put his hands on his chest, smiling. That somehow made Harry want to hit something, or hit him. “Our relationship wouldn’t have needed saving if you didn’t do your bit.”

“So it’s my fault?”

“You didn’t put even the slightest effort,” Louis replied.

“Effort? What effort are you talking about?“

“You went out late at night and came home drunk all the time, even though I asked you not to,” Louis hissed. The two of them were circling the little room around each other as if they were lions ready to attack. “You always preferred to go out for drinks and parties, fooling around with your friends or your college mates rather than staying in bed with me.”

“Shit! Louis, I’m twenty-two!” Harry shot back again. “I don’t want to do anything but have fun. Why are you so eager to become old and boring?”

“Thinking about starting a family doesn’t make me old and boring. It’s normal, Harry. That’s what normal people do when they grow up and have a mature relationship.”

“I don’t want to be a father yet. I haven’t even finished school, I don’t want to study anywhere else, I like my university, my friends. The only reason I accepted was that I thought it would bring us closer, but I don’t want it. And if I want to party every night, I will.”

Louis laughed again and nodded. “That’s what it’s about, isn’t it?”

“What?” Harry asked carefully, even though he was pretty sure he knew where this was going.

“You grew tired of me, you want to go out with other people. Live life as a single man.“

“Christ, not with that again,” Harry snorted.

“Yes, this again, because that’s always the problem with you, Harry. I saw your messages with that guy Zayn. You cheated on me.”

“It was just a kiss and nothing more happened. I swear.”

“I was waiting for you to tell me but you couldn’t do it, and you know what? I ignored it because I didn’t want to ruin what we were supposed to be TRYING to fix while you went out and cheated on me with any guy. I’m so stupid, my gosh”

“I didn’t cheat on you, IT JUST WAS A KISS!”

“THAT’S ENOUGH! Harry, for God’s sake. Think about it a little. How would you feel if I kissed someone else right now? Wouldn’t it hurt at all?”

“No, if it were a simple kiss, no.”

Louis remained stoic for a moment and snorted. “What’s the matter with you, Harry? Do you want to have an open relationship? Go out, do whatever you want, and come back to me like nothing?”

“No.”

“Harry, don’t you love me anymore? Go away, if you don’t love me anymore, what are you doing here?”

“Is not that, Louis”

“You hate our relationship. You don’t like me being older and more responsible than you. You don’t have the same goals or dreams like me, you want other things. You don’t love me anymore.”

“You are wrong, and you know what’s happening here. You’re hiding behind that old fucking argument.”

“What?” Louis challenged him to continue.

Harry looked down, ready to back off now that he started all of this. He knew somewhere in the back of his mind, that he was ruining everything beyond repair.

“You don’t want to admit you made a mistake about the baby. You hid behind your insecurities and jealousy.”

“I’m not insecure.” Louis said with mockery in his voice and laughed.

“Yes, you are, you have always been.” It was as if they had set fire to everything and now he had just thrown more wood on it, desperate to destroy everything. “You are jealous of any boy I speak to. You were always afraid, and that’s why you never forbade me from going out at night. You wanted to keep me at all costs. You’re afraid I will leave you for someone my age… Louis, you don’t even accept your sexuality.”

Louis shook his head angrily, looking at Harry as if he could barely recognize him. He wasn’t being fair.

“It’s obvious you will run off looking for women as soon as you and I end this.”

Louis breathed heavily, angry and tight. “Do you really think that now? That even after all these years, all I think about is looking for someone else as easily as you did?”

“Considering how our relationship started...”

“My relationship with Danielle was dead and hopeless before I met you. You cannot judge me for having fallen in love with you while I was with her.”

“You cheated on her with me,” Harry said desperately. He didn’t know what to say. “You could cheat on me, too.”

“Now I’m the unfaithful one,” Louis snorted. “Do you want to throw a mistake from the past in my face? Good. I remind you that you slept with me while you were with Nick.”

“That was totally different.”

Louis moved his hands in the air, then massaged his temples. “I think we’re taking this too far... I don’t even remember why we started arguing in the first place.”

“You always avoid conflict.”

“I’m trying to get us to stop arguing.”

“Shut up,” Harry said, his voice dangerously low.

Louis didn’t want to spill the last drop. A few moments passed before he could reply. “I just hope she’s not pregnant, Harry. Otherwise, I’ll just go with it. You won’t have to get involved if you don’t want to, but it’s too late to back down.”

Louis walked to their bedroom looking for his coat, then left the apartment without saying where he was going and did not go back to sleep.

********

“Everything will be alright,” Louis said as soon as he walked through the door the next day, after spending most of the day asleep at his desk at work. “The baby”

“What are you talking about?” Harry asked.

“Everything is fine... the baby. Apparently, there is no baby, she is not pregnant, she said so.” Louis reached out and took Harry’s hands before he could even blink. “We can find another way to get ahead.”

Harry swallowed, he could see in Louis’ eyes that he was sad. He was looking forward to starting a family and his voice sounded heartbroken when he said there was no baby. Louis truly believed that a son was going to fix things, he wanted to rebuild their relationship.

Harry felt his chest sore because he already lost the will to try.

“We won’t be able to fix this,” he said quietly.

“No, no, no,” Louis replied immediately. “We can do it, let’s work more on it, let’s – we could go to couples therapy, maybe, we could try-“

“No,” Harry said and turned around. He wanted to look at Louis in the eye, he wanted to be able to see him clearly when he said this, but he couldn’t do it, so he looked towards a spot on the wall. “I don’t even know how to do it. What else can we do? We have ruined everything. I was wrong, I made a bad decision and it’s not fair to you, Louis. It’s not fair to me either. This has no solution.”

“Why? Why are you saying that? It can’t be true.” Louis shook his head and hugged Harry from behind. His grip was so tight, the touch felt desperate. “I love you, Harry”

Harry had to close his eyes. He hated crying, but this was hurting him so much. His entire body was sore now, right down to the tips of his itchy fingers with the desperate urge to reciprocate the hug, but he didn’t. He couldn’t.

It was the worst pain he had ever felt. Worse than anything he remembered.

He had to end this.

“I can’t keep having this same fight over and over again.”

“I don’t want to fight anymore either,” Louis muttered under his breath.

Harry took a long breath and opened his eyes. “That’s why we have to end things.”

“No,” Louis said quickly. “No, we shouldn’t get to that, no-“

But Harry was already pulling away from the hug, heading for the room in search of a bag. Louis followed him, but he did not look back.

He pulled a bag out from under the bed and started pulling random clothes out of the closet. A few pairs of jeans, stockings, a couple of shirts, and he stuffed them in his bag without paying much attention.

“What are you doing?” Louis asked, sounding frantic although he knew exactly what he was doing. “Stop, don’t do this.” Louis ran to him and removed the bag from his hands. “Baby, stop, please!” He cried desperately.

“I have to,” Harry said quietly when he reached the door. “Don’t you understand? We have to end this now. There is nothing left to fix.”

 _I love you,_ he wanted to say. _I love you, I love you, I love you more than anything, but I can’t go on like this._ Everything was misery between them and he had to leave this house. His feet began to move faster, he needed to get far, far away from here.

When he reached the street he saw a taxi approaching and got into it before Louis could stop him.


	4. Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Unforgettable together, held the whole world in our hands_  
>  Unexplainable, a love that only we could understand

His workday had ended a little later today, so Louis hurried home because Perrie was waiting there anxiously.

”I missed you!”

Louis smiled as he tossed the key on the coffee table and took off his coat. “Sorry, love... I couldn’t wait to be with you, I missed you too!”

Perrie rolled her eyes as she reached out to kiss Louis on the cheek. ”She asked for you all day. Anyway, I’m leaving... Alex is waiting for me.”

Finally, Louis spoke to her. “Yes, I know you are late for your photography meeting, sorry.”

“No problem, Lou. See you tomorrow?” Perrie asked checking the time on her phone.

“As always” Louis replied while hugging Haylie to stop her because she was jumping on the couch.

“I missed you, Daddy!”

Perrie smiled at the scene for a moment, she sighed and walked over to them to kiss Haylie on the forehead. “Behave well, precious. Bye.”

“Goodbye, Mommy!”

Perrie giggled as she walked towards the door. Louis rolled his eyes and snorted. “Haylie, I’ve already told you a thousand times that Perrie is not your mother.”

Haylie frowned, crossed her arms, and pouted her lips, ready to throw a tantrum. “I want her to be my mommy, please, please!”

Louis smirked and sighed. He had known Perrie for almost five years when he arrived in London. She was a close friend of Tiernan, Steve’s wife, his colleague. They soon became friends and when she learned that Louis was looking for a babysitter for Haylie, she happily offered.

“Let’s go take a bath and go to bed, princess. It’s about time, come on.”

Haylie huffed heavily, causing Louis to giggle, then headed for the stairs, followed by her father.

For a 4-year-old girl, she was very intelligent, and her vocabulary was somewhat broad and well built. He never spoke to her childishly and always read to her at night; She was also like this because of Perrie, who according to Louis, talked like a parrot and spent most of the day with her. However, there were certain words that she did not say correctly or had trouble pronouncing correctly. Normal for a kid her age.

“I don’t want that soop!” Screeched.

”Soap. So-ap.” Louis modulated slowly. “Pink or green?”

“Geen! Oops!” She said and covered her mouth, laughing. Her father had corrected her several times. “Green.”

“Hm...” Louis nodded and handed the soap over to her. Haylie was bathing alone since, according to her, she was a big girl. Louis would let her play in the water, always supervising her, and then washed her hair.

He loved her curls and their smell after each bath.

Haylie fell asleep after reading her nightly story. Louis kissed her forehead and stared at her for a long time, thinking... always thinking. Haylie told him again that she wanted to have a mom, Louis felt a strong pain in his chest believing that perhaps he was not enough to make her happy.

_I don’t want to screw this up, I want to be the best father for her._

“I love you,” he whispered as he placed a kiss on her forehead.

******

“Dadyyyyy!”

“Louiiiisss!”

“Dadyyyy!”

”Boooo!”

Louis rolled on the mattress at the sound of those two voices in unison and sat on the bed, rubbing his face. “I’m coming, girls!”

He immediately got in the shower and then went down the stairs to meet his sister, who was finishing preparing breakfast. Lottie had been Haylie’s babysitter last night because Louis had a date.

”Good morning, Daddy," Haylie said when her father came to kiss her forehead.

“Good morning, love... Lott.” He greeted his sister with a shake of his head.

“How did it go last night?” Lottie asked in a suggestive voice and raised both eyebrows.

Louis rolled his eyes and smiled. ”Fine.”

”Just fine?”

Louis shrugged his shoulders. It had been his fourth date in five years, and he hadn’t had sex in over a year and a half. It was too embarrassing for him to say it out loud, but the last time he had to pay for it.

“Man or woman?” Lottie asked in an amused tone.

Louis and Lottie were closer now that she was studying in London. She shared an apartment with a friend close to her brother’s house, so from time to time, she was the one who took care of her niece when Louis had something to do or when Perrie had her days off.

Louis almost choked on toast. He swallowed and coughed. “That’s none of your business... but his name is Luke,” he said and smiled.

“Who’s Luke, Daddy?” Haylie asked, frowning.

“No one, love.” Louis cut through his daughter’s uncertainty instantly, sending a hateful look at his sister for making him speak in front of her.

Lottie put her hands up in defense as if she wasn’t guilty of Hailey’s inquiry, but she still seemed curious to know about Louis’ date with this Luke guy.

Louis had met Luke by chance in a cafe. Their tables had been side by side and the waitress had confused their orders, which ended up with them sharing a laugh and a table, both he and the brunette had spent a few hours talking about the game that they were watching on the giant tv screen.

It had been Hannah first, then Matt, followed by Nicole and now Luke. With the first two he had reached third base. With Nicole there had been several dates and a few kisses here and there, and with Luke, he had had a simple dinner so far.

Dating was difficult when you were a single parent, even less when you spent all your time with your child. _“It is difficult to be alone”,_ Louis thought; being in love with your ex made it worse because no one met your expectations.

And it was not that Louis was picky regarding someone’s physique, but Hannah had green eyes, Matt had brown eyes but his curly hair brought back awful memories, and he did not want to continue digging into the past. So Nicole was blonde and blue-eyed, nothing to hurt him, but Luke was tall... even taller than _he_ was, now that Louis thought about it.

Anyway.

Lottie was surprised, but she was glad that her brother had found someone who could make him happy, especially after how much he had suffered when Harry left.

That was a delicate subject. It was like an “unmentionable” topic for all of them. Their family had disagreed with Louis’ decision at first, but then they understood his reasons and agreed to help him. They had cut off all contact with Harry or any member of his family. It had been as if they had erased themselves from the face of Earth. No Tomlinson knew anything about any Styles and vice versa.

*******

It was a Sunday night after Louis had finished his daily routine. Earlier that day he had been sitting on the sofa in front of the TV with Haylie lying on his legs. Enchanted had been playing on the tv for the thousandth time in several weeks. There was something about this movie that his daughter was obsessed with, and it was the story of a princess looking for her prince.

“Daddy, am I a princess?” She asked as Louis tucked her into his bed.

“Aha...” Louis replied. “Did you like the ice cream for dessert?”

“Yep!”

“Well, remember, you can’t eat a lot of ice cream at night, okay? So stop asking your aunt to give you more.” Louis said in a soft but demanding tone.

Haylie nodded with a pout on her lips. She loved eating ice cream, but she always forgot that her tummy would hurt after eating loads of it.

Louis smiled and walked over to place a kiss on her forehead. “Rest, love. Sweet dreams...”

“Daddy!” Haylie stopped him before he pulled away. “Who is my Prince?”

“What?”

“My Prince!” She said and rolled her eyes. “Princesses have a Prince.”

Oh... Louis still hadn’t gotten to talk to her about movies being just that, movies. How would he explain to his barely 4-year-old daughter that happy endings didn’t always exist in real life? Or that the “and they lived happily ever after” was not always fulfilled? Good God, she was too young to understand such things. Maybe in a year or two they would have that particular talk. He didn’t want to break her illusions, because Haylie genuinely believed that they were all Princes and Princesses looking for each other.

She was so innocent.

“Uh-huh, yes, they do have one... you will have one too... but it will take a looooong time for you to find him, maybe when you’re thirty or thirty-five.” Haylie frowned, not understanding why her father was laughing at what he said himself, and Louis sat next to her once more. “Why do you ask that, Princess? Do you think there is a Prince in kindergarten?”

She laughed and covered her face with her little hands. “Noooo.”

Louis laughed too. “Who is it? Benji?”

“Nope…”

“Tommy?” Haylie denied, and Louis kept asking. “Jamie? Kevin?”

“Logan!” She said and covered her mouth with her little hands.

“Logan? Wow, I like that name. It’s powerful,” he said and frowned. “Which one of them is Logan?”

“He has very, very orange hair and he has two moms, don’t you remember?”

 _Oh, sure._ Yes. Logan was the little redhead who had two moms. Of course, Louis remembered him, he had skipped work on Family Day to attend the open class the kindergarten held to explain to the parents that the idea was that the initial education had to be inclusive, therefore; the teachers spent the rest of the day talking to the children, teaching them that families were not all the same. They could be made up of mom and dad, mom or dad alone, two moms or two dads. The teachers also told them about other families that were more inclusive, using the example of a child who had been orphaned by parents and was being raised by his paternal grandparents. Children today were more open about these issues, and Haylie always said that she only had one dad, which made her have even more love for him.

“Yes, I remember him, love. So you think Logan is your Prince?” Louis stroked her hair. He was calm, of course, he couldn’t be jealous of a 4-year-old kid.

“I don’t know... Daddy...” Haylie sighed.

“What’s wrong, love?”

“Why does Logan have two moms and I don’t have one?” Her voice sounded somewhat broken. She really wanted her dad to be happy. “Why are you always alone? Why don’t you have a princess?”

Louis swallowed hard. This was difficult every time. Haylie grew day by day along with her doubts about her existence. She had always been very curious about everything, Louis was always looking for a way to answer honestly and that she could understand everything.

He smiled for a moment as he remembered her question.

“Do you want me to tell you a secret, love?” He asked in a whisper. He saw her nod and smiled. “I never had a princess, but you know what?”

“What, Daddy? What?”

Louis smiled when he saw the excitement on her face.

“I had a Prince once. I found him a long time ago.”

“A Prince, Daddy? For real?”

“Yeah”

“And what happened? Why aren’t you with your Prince now if you already found him?”

Louis sighed. “Because he was my Prince, but I guess I wasn’t his, love, I don’t know.”

Haylie pouted and hugged her dad. However, her doubts only grew. “And what was your Prince like, Daddy? Was he very beautiful? What was his name?”

Louis smiled. “His name was Prince Harold. He was very, very beautiful. He had big green eyes and many, many curls.”

Haylie sat on the bed, super excited, and looked at her dad. “Did he have green eyes and curls like me?”

Louis looked at her in the eyes for a moment, losing himself in them as he always did. He swallowed and caressed her face. “Yes, love. He looked just like you”

“Daddy, tell me more, please,” she pleaded, but her father stood up again.

“It is time to sleep, love. Let’s go.”

Haylie pouted and crossed her arms. Louis leaned down to kiss her curly hair and tucked her in.

“Another day I’ll tell you more about him, but go to sleep now.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. Sweet dreams, my life.”

“Goodnight, Daddy.”

Louis sat on his bed, snorting. He was exhausted, not only physically but mentally.

Every time Harry reappeared in his mind, it felt like a punch to his face and the pain slid down his throat, leaving a bitter trail that even if he tried to sweep away with alcohol, it wouldn’t work.

Of course, he lived with a small version of him daily, but still. He tried not to see Harry every time he looked at Haylie in the eye. He tried to ignore those butterflies that he swore were dead, coming to life one by one.

He looked at the photograph on his dresser. His daughter, two years old at the time. So, so beautiful, and so much like her father.

Her biological father.

Louis wiped away the tear that abruptly fell down his cheek and put the photograph back in its place. Guilt invaded him again. So did anger and the pain of knowing that he would keep that secret forever. 

He wished that he and Harry would never meet ever again. He wouldn’t be able to look him at in the eye. Not when he had hidden the existence of his daughter from him all this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story has just started. I hope you enjoy it. Any constructive criticism is welcome. Please leave nice comments if you like this ❤️


	5. Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The day you walked away and took the higher ground_   
>  _Was the day that I became the man that I am now_

_Paperwork was underway and they had an additional appointment a week later to do some tests on both, and as a result, they left a sample for testing._

_A week passed, and once again they were sitting in the sanitarium. Harry bounced nervously on his leg as Louis bit his lower lip. The older woman smiled kindly at them as she checked her papers, making sure everything was in order; finally, she got up._

_“Okay, Mr. Styles, if you come with me, we can start the physical exam. Mr Tomlinson, one of my colleagues will be with you in a moment to take you to a quieter room.”_

_Harry looked quite nervous when they took him away, and Louis wished he could go with him, if only to assure him that he was not alone; Instead, he looked down at the ground and tried to calm his heartbeat._

_The attendant who came to accompany him looked at him sympathetically and smiled cheerfully as he led him down a long hallway and into a small room; there was a small, white-walled piece of furniture, scarce, except for a few chairs and a table. There was an empty glass object on the table, and he tried not to look too red when he saw it, he knew exactly what it was for. It wouldn't be the first time he did this, if he was honest, far from it, but it was pretty embarrassing to have to jerk off and spill everything in a jar._

_"Take the time you need," the assistant said kindly, still smiling as she closed the door behind her. "Just leave it behind the glass window when you're done."_

_Louis sat in one of the chairs closest to the table, trying to avoid looking at the jar again. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and set about staying sensible: the sooner this was over, the better. All he had to do was please himself. He wanted a son and this brought them one step closer to achieve it, it would be worth it._

_Truth be told, he wasn't terrified by the results, as he and Harry had decided they didn't need to know who the biological father of their baby would be. Maybe they would notice themselves by recognizing certain traits but beyond that, they really didn't care because he would be the son of both anyway._

_Louis thought of Harry, the way he probably felt happy just like him and sighed; Harry was the reason he was doing this, he reminded himself, the reason he was sitting in a small room with a glass jar on a table._

_For the past two years, he had seen Harry grow increasingly discouraged, further away each month, and they needed to find a way to reconnect. A son was going to help them._

_Harry glanced at the bottle and looked away hastily; Pleasing himself in a small container hadn't been something he'd envisioned doing, yet here it was._

_He was doing this for Louis, if this was what he needed him to do, he was going to do it._

_With that in mind, he tried to force himself into that headspace: he would never stop worrying about the future, about communication problems, and about everything that was really going on between them. Harry forced himself to think, "I'm doing this for Louis." He was the reason he was here. He would do anything for him if that made him happy, even this._

_"Louis wants us to have a baby. I'm not quite sure I want the same thing, but that's fine. Let's have one."_

_Somehow he managed to do it; He took a lot of imagination and remembered the hottest moments he knew how to live with Louis when they started dating and finally managed to do what he needed in the jar. It took a few minutes to recover, his cheeks were flushed._

_"The hardest part is over now," Harry told himself as he readjusted his clothes; He just had to leave the container behind the small sliding glass door on the other side of the room, and that was it._

_The doctors told him that in about a week they were going to inseminate the woman selected by both of them and would tell him the final results._

_To be honest, Harry wasn't sure if he wanted to know the results or not._

_He carefully placed the lid on the container, making sure not to spill anything, and left it silently behind the sliding glass door; No one seemed to be on the other side looking at him, but he couldn't help feeling that everyone knew what he had been doing in this small room. Briefly, he found himself wondering how many other men had been in his position, how many had done the same thing he had just done in a moment of despair._

_Even in that mood, he didn't want to stay in this room for much longer, the sooner he left and tried to forget this, the better._

_•_

_•_

_•_

_After almost four months without Harry, Louis returned to the clinic again. The process had been postponed when the girl did not get pregnant the first time, and they had talked about the possibility of repeating the insemination, given that Louis had decided to continue alone._

_The new medical examination and questions ended that afternoon with the conclusion that he had to wait a few more days to verify that this time the insemination had worked._

_That did not happen, however. They did a new test and it did not work. The woman had not become pregnant. But far from reassuring Louis, it only increased his anxiety about his own results, which would not be available for a week or so._

_The doctor stated that he himself would notify him when his results were ready so that he could participate in another discussion about what the next step would be._

_•_

_•_

_The friendly receptionist was smiling as he greeted Louis a week later, carrying a folder full of papers on her arm. "It's lovely to see you again, Mr. Tomlinson. Join me please.”_

_Louis entered the office, and there the doctor was waiting for him, extending his hand to receive the file and then shake his hand. "Louis, a pleasure. Have a seat, please.”_

_His hand slipped into his, a small comfort but a comfort, nonetheless, as he sat down. As soon as they were seated, the doctor looked at him seriously, and it was obvious that whatever the news was, it was not good._

_"Louis. Congratulations, you're going to be a father. We have done some new tests and Lorraine is pregnant. The first exams were negative but there was an error in the files, we confused the results with those of another woman and I apologize for such an error.”_

_“Oh my god, thats great!” Louis said in a happy tone. But the doctor cut it off so soon._

_“However, I am sorry to inform you that there was not a satisfactory result in your exams."_

_Louis felt his stomach drop. “What? How? I don’t understand, but she’s pregnant”_

_The doctor was quite understanding when he looked at him, his papers and folders spread out before him on the desk._

_“She’s four and a half months pregnant, which means that she became pregnant on the first insemination you made with your partner. We decided to examine your test and I am afraid that there’s a problem. In the sample you gave, we found that while there were many seminal fluids, there were not many ...swimmers, so to speak, certainly not enough to impregnate a woman. To add, those who were there had little motility… anyone would have died before they had a chance to join an egg.” He paused._

_Louis bit his lower lip. ”Then I don't serve?"_

_The doctor sighed. "I imagine it must be difficult, but she’s pregnant. The chances that you can be fertile are very low but you going to be a father.“_

_“Yeah, but is not my biological child. Are you sure I’m not fertile?”_

_The doctor nodded slightly. "Nothing is impossible, dear Louis, but it is extremely improbable: I am afraid I would not expect it to happen. Once again, I'm ... I'm really sorry, but congratulations too”_

_Louis kept his gaze on the file, checking that Harry's details were still attached. Before the doctor left the office, he turned to see him._

_“Is there any chance that my ex-partner can claim any of this? I mean, if one day he know its his child, could he initiate legal action or something?”_

_The doctor frowned, he saw him thinking for a moment and stepped forward. "You have to think hard, Louis. Forgive me for meddling in, but if you are no longer together it may not be recommended you keep this hidden this”_

_“He signed the same as me, right? That confidentiality agreement? And we both agree to donate sperms to the anonymous bank as well. I would not be committing any crime because she got pregnant while we were still together”_

_The doctor approached the desk again to read the file cautiously. He looked him in the eye and nodded instantly. "We wouldn't be breaking any law, that's correct."_

_Louis sighed heavily. He didn't even hesitate. He stood up, shaking his hand._

_“So at the next meeting we have I want all the remaining papers to be concrete. I will be the father of that child, I am sure I want this ”_


	6. You can't blame me, darling Not even a little bit, I was away I'm just an arrogant son of a bitch Who can’t admit when he's sorry

_Louis was on the floor of his room, covering his face with his legs. He was almost sure he could actually feel his heart broken._

_Harry returned to Holmes Chapel that same night and stayed there for Christmas and New Year. He spent the days mostly locked in his room, ignoring the world. It felt as if someone had died, or as if his life had ended._

_He didn’t answer messages or calls for a month._

_•_

_•_

_He rushed into his decision, he was truly sorry, and it took time for him to realise it. He needed to apologize to Louis for leaving, implore him for getting drunk, and kiss someone else. That was kind of stupid and he was really sorry._

_He returned home two months later._

_Harry sighed deeply at the door, and leaned his head against it for a moment, wishing he could fix everything. He was desperate to see Louis, to hear his voice, and he was terrified, but they were always going to be able to move on. They were going to be back where they were because none were strong enough to really end their love for each other._

_Another sigh, and he turned the key in the lock, pushing the door open._

_Everything was in place, with the naked eye._

_Furniture was in place._

_He walked into the room and the bed was lying, but he opened the closet and there was no sign of any Louis clothes, and his toothbrush was not in the bathroom._

_There was a note pinned to the fridge with a magnet, in Louis handwriting. Harry took a breath and taking closer steps, he managed to read it._

_< Baby, I'm not coming back. Stay here if you want, I've already paid the rest of the rent for eight more months, don't worry about it. I was thinking about it a lot and I think I understood. I can't make you want the same as me, and I can't keep you from doing what really makes you happy, either. I wish you the best in your life, mine starts from now on. I love you. Always in my heart, yours sincerely, Louis >_

__

•

•

During the first months after their separation, Harry was unable to sleep in the bed he shared for more than two years.

He camped in the living room, sleeping on the couch, or went to Nick's house to sleep. Sometimes he even slept with Zayn just so he wouldn't have to go home. There was something about the closet with all his clothes still intact, something about the old photos on the dresser or the hanging pictures. His room feel it strange. It was considered as if he was meddling in someone else's life. The man who owned that room, along with him, was gone. And everything had been different since then. Not too bad not to be able to breathe, but enough to feel empty inside.

It’s not every day that you lose the love of your life, after all.

Time didn't stop for him, so he lost staying in that department for a while longer until he lost himself and finally made the decision to change the page.

And here was the problem, Harry could never change the page. He dated several guys after what happened, but none of those people were difficult enough to meet his expectations.

When he was studying, Louis was the one who prepared hot chocolate for him the night before an exam, so that he would stay warm because he had to stay awake repairing his notes; sometimes he even kept him company, even though he would have to go to work the next morning. Louis had been the light in the dark, the moral compass, his north star. Louis Tomlinson was too good a person, too good a hero, and he didn't even know it. He could have gone anywhere, done anything with someone else who really valued him, but nevertheless, he always preferred Harry over anyone. He kissed Harry's forehead when he went to work early, made tea when his nightmares were too big and his smiles were so soft, so beautiful and all for him.

And, here’s the truth about Harry Styles: He was undeniably, unequivocally, and absolutely selfish.

There were many more men better for Louis, even women, more complete, without so many doubts, so much hysteria, and when Harry arrived at his house it must have felt like a victory; but instead, it felt like he was personally tying the rope around Louis' throat.

He knew they were having problems, he knew they would not end well, and he always kept hope; somehow, to find it again and make up for lost time. Yet so much time had passed... so much time had passed. They were both probably new people, and time had passed too quickly. The slight crow's feet at the corners of his eyes felt too strange. He had just turned 27, almost the same age that Louis was when they separated.

But Harry knew how to survive without Louis. He was forced to exist without him for almost five years now. He graduated from university with a degree in Audiovisual Communication and soon, thanks to his good economic status, he owned a photography studio. Despite having matured, at one point, he was still the frightened young man with too small a heart and a greater pain that suffocated him. He struggled to get ahead without Louis, but he adapted. He had to adapt.

His sexual appetite never ended, and he continued to sleep with other men without regrets, but the thing was, no one really made him feel as good as when he was in love. Either they were too shy or too outgoing. They spoke too quickly, they smiled too easily. Some of them were simply too boring and others too excitable and energetic. Harry was never really sure of either of them to start and maintain a relationship.

And Harry didn't want to admit that he was literally married again.

His bond with Zayn had remained in effect since he broke up with Louis. They were together, but without commitments. After all, he was single, he had money, and he was bored. The situation was really strange. They practically lived together four years ago, keeping an open relationship or whatever that meant. Harry never thought of having anything serious again, he had only slept with him out of spite in his anger phase when Louis abandoned him (because he was sure that Louis ended their relationship by leaving and disappearing from the face of the earth; no because he cheated on him and stopped giving signs for two months). So he found himself having a relationship again, but without the titles, and so much that he had been complaining about married life in his past, now it was exactly the same way as when he was with Louis.

Zayn took him on cute dates all the time at the beginning of their relationship. They went to the amusement park and night markets. Zayn would buy him cotton candy and win teddy bears for him. They went out for a walk on the river in the afternoon and shared kisses on the shore. He would take Harry to the bookstores and sit with him in the cafeteria to read books. He also endured the noise of every nightclub they went to, only to spend more time with Harry. He was so kind and understanding, Harry even believed for a moment that maybe Zayn was the one for him.

He cooked Harry's lunch and dinner, reminding him to take care of himself when he went out alone. He laughed, smiled and put his hand on Harry's lower back every time they went out, just like Louis did. He was still kind and understanding, and Harry somehow felt so blessed. Zayn told him that he loved him every day. Harry found himself laughing and smiling, saying in return, "I love you, too."

Zayn kissed him all the time but Harry didn't feel any spark between them. He really didn't love him, didn't think he could love him or anyone else, since he was sure that you couldn't love two people at once.

And it seemed like everything in his life always went back to Louis in some way, at Princess Park where they lived for more than two years. He wondered what had become of his life, if he had found the right person this time, if he had formed that family he so longed for. He needed to know if he was happy or if he missed him. The pain ran through his veins, the pain of knowing he could have gotten back what they had if he had been less selfish and more companionable.

He was so sorry for all the damage he did, and despite having moved on with his life, leaving all those memories behind, he never stopped loving Louis.


	7. But these high walls, they came up short Now I stand taller than them all These high walls never broke my soul, and I I watched them all come falling down I watched them all come falling down for you

Louis sighed as he walked through the park, clutching her daughter's little hand with his. Haylie jumped up beside him, happy and calm. She was only four years old and had no worries in the world, after all. The little girl sighed as well, her free hand running a curly lock out of the way. Her father had been putting her hair up in a casual bun, and had forgotten to take a certain loop that now fell down her forehead.

Louis glanced at all the happy couples, teenagers hugging each other, or holding hands on the lush green grass, older couples playing with their children. That image stabbed him in the heart, tearing him to pieces.

“Daddy?” Haylie pulsed at her father, blinking her bright emerald eyes. She noticed that he was looking at a special couple.

“Yes, Love?” He asked, smiling slightly.

“Why are you always alone?”

“I'm never alone. I have you with me, how could I feel alone?”

Haylie laughed and rolled her eyes. "Oh dad. I'm talking about you having no husband. Why don't you have a husband?”

Louis's heart leapt into his throat and his face paled, an exception of his cheeks, which were flushed a deep pink. Since that confession about the existence of "Prince Harold", she had continued to refer in masculine with respect to any possible partner for him.

"U-Um," he swallowed, scratching the back of his neck. "Well ... I'll tell you when you're a little older, okay?"

Haylie nodded, not even slowed by her father's change of appearance. "Okay, Daddy."

He laughed weakly, suddenly feeling awkward. The question tore at his mind, tore him apart. Why didn't he have a husband? Well, Harry, his father, never wanted to marry him. That was the cruel and sad truth.

“Shall we go for ice cream, honey?” He proposed, to change the subject.

Haylie clapped her hands together gleefully. She had her dimples, the same dimples as him.

“Yay, ice cream, ice cream! Can we have cake later too ?!“

Louis laughed softly and nodded, ruffling the girl's hair. “Of course. We can buy one too.”

With that, the two went to the nearby ice cream parlor, with Haylie resting on Louis' back, her legs wrapped around his waist and her small arms around his neck, giggling happily at the ride.

"I am very tall. Taller than you, daddy.”

"Yes, love," Louis laughed softly.

Haylie smiled as she looked around the ice cream parlor until she saw a man who was on his phone, leafing through Twitter as an empty ice cream cup stood next to him.

The girl had a bad idea, poking her father's head out. “Daddy?“

Louis looked at his daughter, tilting his head to the side. "Hm?" She motioned for him to lower it and her father obeyed, leaving the girl carefully. "Where are you going, Haylie?"

"Bathroom," the girl replied simply.

It was just their turn to attend to Louis. "What flavor of ice cream do you want, honey?"

He already knew perfectly well that his daughter would order Sky Cream and Chocolate with Almonds, but he always consulted her anyway.

Haylie thought for a moment before glowing. "Sky cream! And Chocolate!”

"With or without almonds?" Louis made sure.

"Almonds!"

Louis smiled slightly. "Okay, love. Don't go far. Straight to the bathroom and back, understood?”

The girl nodded, a mischievous sparkle in her sparkling emerald eyes.

However, instead of going to the bathroom, Haylie ran to the man, laughing softly to herself. When she reached the man, she stood on tiptoe and touched his shoulder. “Hello!” She screeched in a warm voice, smiling cheerfully.

The man looked up and smiled at the girl in front of him. She was absolutely adorable.

“Hey, honey. Where are your parents, hm?” Haylie turned, pointing at Louis before looking at the older boy. “Oh, it's fine. So, um, why did you come here?”

She blinked, her eyes glowing brightly. "Well, I wanted to tell you that you seem like a good man and my dad is alone. Would you be my second dad? Logan has two moms.”

The chestnut's eyes widened and his cheeks lit up brightly. “What?Well, that is-“

"Haylie Tomlinson," Louis ran to the two of them, his face, ears and neck glowing cherry red as he looked at his daughter with embarrassment. Then his gleaming blue eyes fell on the other man. “Sorry! I thought Haylie was just going to the bathroom,” this earned the girl a sideways glance before his attention returned to the man. “I am so sorry! I hope she didn’t bothered you.” He laughed softly, his blush rising. He had to admit that this guy was very handsome.

“No, it’s okay. Children are great, and your daughter is especially adorable.” Both father and daughter blushed profusely.

“O-oh, thanks," Louis stuttered, making the chestnut smile.

“Like father Like daughter.”

Louis laughed softly. "Is that your way of flirting with me?" He teased, making the boy scoff and look down at the table, trying to hide his embarrassment.

“What? Pfft, no. No, of course not.” Another laugh sounded from Louis, letting him shake his head. The brown-haired man looked up after a moment of silence over the three of them, clearing his throat. "My name is Liam."

“Louis”

"And I'm Haylie!" Both man giggled as the girl called out her name, Louis leaned down, snuggling her to the side and wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

"Yes, this is my little monster."

A good five minutes passed and the two men ended up talking, finding they had more in common than they thought. Haylie was silent, adding her opinion from time to time. In the end, both Louis and Haylie had finished their ice cream, Louis stretched, and his blue eyes fell on Liam's brown oaks.

"Hey, Liam ... it was nice meeting you."

"Likewise, Louis."

They shook hands and Louis took his daughter's hand after picking up her trash and throwing it in the nearest basket. Both father and daughter smiled, greeting the man.

Liam returned the greeting, sighing softly as he remembered what Louis had said, biting his lip.

"Hey, Louis?" The man took a pen from his pocket and took a napkin from his desk, running a hand through his hair before writing down his number. "Here, uh, call me if you need anything. You know, if you need a babysitter or something. Or if you just want to talk?”

Louis blushed, taking the napkin as he nodded. "Yes." He folded the napkin and put it in his pocket before showing the most adorable smile. “Thank you.”

Liam shrugged. "You can call anytime."


	8. Don't blame me for falling I was just a little boy

The studio was really his refuge, the place where he could relax to the extreme without worrying about insignificant things. He had been there for more than three hours, editing photographs that he had been taking randomly in the streets, of landscapes around, and the occasional one where certain models posed for him. He was also in charge of taking civil photos, people hired him to portray his weddings, anniversaries, baptisms and any other social event. Of course, he had people who also worked for him, but his most devoted clients asked for exclusivity and reserved his presence for each event. His studio had several sets set for different types of photographs, and many people circulated around his office during the day.

He used to take a few days to go to the beach, with his professional camera in tow, wrapped tightly around his neck in a sling. He sat cross-legged on the wet, murky sand while carefully watching the view; that was glorious. He knew how to portray the sunset, causing the sky to shine with fiery colors: touches of orange, red and pink coming together. It was a dream for a photographer.

Now he was in front of his computer, filtering through different images of models that he took, editing and retouching them to false perfection. But right now, he was sincere.

These photos were sincere.

A young couple who had been posing for a wedding book. She was beautiful, he was quite handsome too, and they looked into each other's eyes with enviable love. In that particular photograph they weren't posing, Harry just captured the moment they'd finished changing outfits to continue the photoshoot in another corner of the set.

This couple had requested their presence for the wedding night, four months in advance, and the event was held in less than two months. Perrie, she, Alexander, him.

While looking at the photographs of this particular couple, he remembered the previous weekend, when he went out in the park with his camera, to clear himself. It hurt him at one point to see a happy family, a heartbreaking reminder of the opportunity he missed. His lingering heart ache felt deeper at times, but he couldn't help but admire it from afar. Those couples for sure had managed to stay together through their problems and routine, maintaining a solid foundation and even raising their children together, and that was what Harry now longed to have.

It was a burning desire.

And it was enough for him to sit on one of the benches in that square and his own envy invaded him, unable to explain the bitter sensation in his stomach.

He sighed as he pushed the thoughts away before they could stay too long and tarnish his good mood. Photography always put him in a high mood. He threw his head back and lay down against the back, sighing.

Today was going to be another busy day at the office, running after the models and checking on their stylist. It would be another full day with the correction of the small details of the photo shoot, such as making sure that the backdrop was immaculate, that the camera settings were correct and that the models followed the pattern of their appearance.

It was Friday afternoon, and he was planning to go home early, but Zayn had been texting him to invite him to dinner. A month ago he had asked him that he needed some kind of "time". The whole situation of removing feelings from the past made him make that decision. He hadn't said the word breakup, but instead asked him to go to his own apartment for a while. They had been living together for over 3 years now, but Zayn had his own apartment too, in which he slept those nights that Harry asked him to be alone.

Zayn was always there for Harry, expecting nothing in return and respecting him, he gave him the space he always demanded and there was never any reproach on his part. So tonight, he was supposed to have dinner with Zayn and hopefully he could end that relationship once and for all to be quiet in his room. Maybe he would watch a movie, maybe would just listen to music and drink a good glass of wine before going to sleep, who knows.

•

•

Harry bit his lower lip as he did when he was anxious and Zayn noticed. Even though it was almost tearing him apart, this was what was expected anyway. With the passage of time he managed to understand Harry, he knew him perfectly and he knew that he was with him simply not to be alone And he should feel offended, used, that it was something of what he felt, but beyond that, Zayn did not blame him. Anyway, he was with Harry too because he found comfort, there was chemistry and they liked each other. They loved each other, of course, although he was never sure it was really good love. It was a customary relationship by mutual agreement, or something like that.

But despite that, he wasn't sure that going his separate ways was the only solution.

The two sat side by side on the couch in the living room, Harry hunched over and Zayn wringing his hands repeatedly.

“So ..." Zayn started again. He pursed his own lips, mentally repeating the last thing Harry said. "You are suggesting that we go our separate ways ...”

Harry sighed, although it was different from the irritated sighs that Zayn had grown accustomed to in recent years. This was more ... resignation than anything else.

"I'm suggesting we break up. Yes.”

Zayn couldn't look at Harry. Time seemed to move at an incredibly twisted pace, a terrifying mix of breakneck speed and utter laziness. Those few words couldn't, shouldn't, be able to end what they had.

"I ... I can't say I agree with that."

"Zayn, it's not about agreeing or not," Harry straightened up a bit and even without seeing his face, Zayn can tell he was struggling to keep his composure. “I -we...”

Zayn closed his eyes, trying to block the sensation of immense weight crashing around him. "You don't have to explain it again. I get it. You don't really love me, you don't want anything serious, blah blah blah.”

“And...”

“I do not agree with that. But I understand where it comes from. I understand this is coming from a place…” Zayn sighed, his words leaving him as soon as he thought about them. “And it has to do with your past, you've been paranoid this last time, naming Louis more than usual, remembering anecdotes, comparing me with him ...”

"It doesn't have to do with Louis, and I don't compare you to him." Harry looked at him defiantly.

Zayn laughed heartily. Of course he knew, he was not stupid and Harry was very transparent. And he was fine, his "I love you" had never been sincere and he agreed to pretend he didn't notice. But Harry didn't know how to be alone, he was one of those people who constantly needed someone's attention on him, no matter who. Zayn sighed, nodding. He will come back, he will call him again because Harry was like that, one day he loved you and the next day he did not want to see you.

"As you wish, Harry," he said and sighed. "I'll be here, if you change your mind, I know you will."

Harry rolled his eyes. "I won't change my mind this time."

"Shall we bet on it?" Zayn laughed. "Harry, mature at once. If is not me, it will be another idiot tomorrow. Get over it, it's been 5 years. Do you think he didn't find a better person? Do you think he’s crying for you and is still waiting for you? Surely he is married and has at least two children, I don't know.”

Harry looked at him and sighed. "Go away, Zayn."

"Yes, I'll be going, but you know I'm right. Okay, this relationship was never real anyway but you know I appreciate you and I really think you should try to get over it. I accepted that we are an open couple, without commitments, without reproaches but not everyone is like me. And we are definitely not all like Louis. Let it go, it's time.”

Harry took a deep breath and Zayn heard it now: tears. Harry's voice took on that husky, stifled quality he'd only heard once before. That night they met, where Harry was crying over his stupid boyfriend and he was there to comfort him.

•

•

Zayn watched Harry from the front door as stoically as he can handle as he gathered up the last of his things. This would be his last trip back to the apartment. What used to be 'his' apartment was now just Harry's.

Zayn wanted Harry to say that he had changed his mind. He wanted him to come closer and kiss him again. Desperate, sticky, demanding as they used to be when they reconciled after a fight. But this felt different, somehow. It really felt like a farewell. And he couldn't say it didn't affect him at all, because it did, but not the way he expected it to hurt. In other words, after four years together, they shared the circle of friendship and whether they wanted to or not, they would always see each other again.

“I finished.”

Harry was looking at him, a friendly but faint attempt at a smile that did nothing to mask the pain in his eyes. Zayn's chest felt tight, like there was barbed wire there completely twisting his heart to pieces. What the fuck? He didn't even feel like crying, it just hurt.

"I guess this is a goodbye," he said pathetically shrugging as he prepared to leave.

Harry grabbed Zayn's wrist. His grip was not firm, not even strong enough to withstand a slight tug if Zayn walked away. He held on anyway and luckily Zayn left him.

"I ..." What could he say here? What will change what was already happening? Will it repair something it had damaged? Why was this feeling like deja vu. Maybe it was karma.

"Harry ...”

"Just go, I need to be alone."

•

•

•

"Thanks for agreeing to see me today. Sorry if you had a date with Chris, I messed it up,” Harry said with a shrug.

"Okay, I missed you, I was going to write to you anyway." Nick patted his shoulder and smiled.

Nick and Harry had maintained their friendship through the years. The brunette had been in a relationship with Christian for three years: an eternity, since he was one of those who did not believe in long-term relationships.

"So where's Zayn?" Nick asked, normally.

Harry shrugged. "We broke up yesterday.” Nick laughed in disbelief and Harry rolled his eyes. "This time for real."

Nick continued to scan his body language. “What do you mean?”

"I ..." He frowned and shook his head, trying to just pay attention to his glass of beer. Not wanting to talk about that aspect of the breakup specifically. "I can't say for sure. I mean, I asked him to leave the department.”

"But it is inevitable that the two of you still keep in touch. We have the same circle of friends.”

Harry finally patted the pockets of his jacket, finding what he was looking for: an almost brand new pack of cigarettes. Looking at Nick, he asked, "Does it bother you?" Instead of answering with words, his friend shrugged, denying. He shook his head in the direction of the ashtray on the table. Gone is that young man who asked his older boyfriend to quit smoking or at least try not to do it at home, since the curtains were impregnated with disgusting nicotine. He had started smoking 5 years ago, precisely. "I'm sure this time we are done. Obviously, nothing will be like before, but we have known each other for many years; I'm not planning to just ignore him”

"What was it all about then?" He saw Harry shrug his shoulders as he lit the cigarette. "Is it the same as always?"

Nick had become a kind of therapist for Harry. It was to him that he confessed all his thoughts and feelings. He was always the one who gave him the best advice and the most unconditional friend he could ever have. Nick always told you what he felt and thought, no matter if you were going to get mad for hearing something you didn't like. Somehow Harry valued that, since many times he managed to reason thanks to his acidic, unfiltered, sincere words.

"I don't know what's the usual." Harry released the smoke from his mouth, shrugging. Of course he knew what he was referring to, but he needed Nick to say it.

"It's because of Louis," Nick said and raised an eyebrow. "It's because of him, isn't it?"

There was.

Everything was silent for a moment, where Harry deigned to watch the cigarette smoke spread through the air. He licked his lips and sighed. Actually, what could he say that Nick didn't already know? What could Nick say more than what he always advised him? He should have acted when he had his chance, he should have come home on time before Louis left, he should have agreed to keep trying, he shouldn't have run away, he had to have sent a message, at least one, just one. Louis was always going to answer him, always. And as much as he wanted to try a phone call now, it was in vain because he didn’t have his number. He no longer knew about Louis, the last thing he knew was that he had left Doncaster with his family. They had vanished so easily, not even his mother-in-law or sister-in-law were able to show signs of life, and they supposedly loved him; they even had an excellent relationship with their mother; even Lottie was very close to Gemma. The Tomlinsons just cut everything in the bud and Harry couldn't understand why.

”Look, I won't say ’I told you’ again because that's something you already know. And to be honest, I never understood your relationship with Zayn. You were a kind of "friends with rights" living together and pretending to be a normal open couple, I do not know. You didn't love him, he didn't love you, you just slept together so you weren't alone and that's basically sad.”

Harry looked up and swallowed. Ouch.

"Sorry, you know I need to say it." Nick apologized for the stark reality he was spitting out.

"Okay, go on." Because of course Harry needed to keep listening.

"I would tell you to try to locate him, you need a conversation with him..."

"I already tried, Nick!," Harry spoke, exasperated. "I tried a thousand times, once I called one of his cousins, one I didn't even know personally, and she hung up on me."

"When did you do that?"

"I don't know, a couple of years ago. I was at home and remembered her name, I searched her on Facebook and found her. Obviously, I looked at all his contacts and there was neither Louis, nor Lottie, nor Jay, nor anyone else. Nobody. They couldn't just disappear, or am I a terrible detective?”

Nick sighed, he really wanted to help Harry, but he just didn't know what else to say. For now, he would go get a drink.

Harry took his phone out of his pocket the moment Nick went to the bar. He was checking Instagram notifications when the place wifi was automatically connected. It was a somewhat recognized bar in London, so he decided to look it up in the application to follow the page, and just curious, he decided to enter to see the labeled images. There were thousands and thousands, but he only looked at the latest published photographs, and that's when he saw her, when he recognised her.

Lottie had posted a photo with a group of friends 11 minutes ago. Therefore, it was there now. He looked up, looking around to try to recognise where the picture was taken. The bar was large and had two floors. Harry stood up, looking at the photograph again. Checking that it was indeed there. Nick saw him as he was approaching back to his table.

“What are you doing?”

”Is here! Is here!”

”Who? Zayn?”

”No! Lottie! Louis's sister! Lottie is here! Do you understand that finally I'm going to know where Louis is?“

Just then, one of Lottie's friends was behind Harry and managed to overhear the conversation. She was sure that Lottie had mentioned having a brother named Louis and it couldn't be much of a coincidence, so she walked quickly up the stairs to the second floor to let her friend know someone was looking for her.

When Angie told Lottie that there was a guy looking for her, she didn't think it would be someone important, it was probably some boy from college; But when her friend mentioned that she had said something about "finding Louis", she assumed that he was the person she should not find, from whom they had escaped for 5 years.

Lottie said goodbye to her friends, telling them that later she explained everything; she put on her jacket and started down the stairs when Harry was coming up. Their gazes met and he smiled broadly.

"Lottie! It's you!”

She looked down and practically ignored him, kept going down the stairs. Harry frowned, not understanding what was going on. He followed her out of the bar and she was on the street, trying to stop a taxi.

"Lottie! It's me, Harry!” He tried to introduce himself again, since Lottie might not recognize him with short hair, perhaps. He walked over to her and gently touched her arm. "Hello, Lotts. It's me.“

And Harry hoped that their embrace would be the same as always, those with enough confidence to squeeze and leave a kiss on the other's hair; However, Lottie did not respond to the hug at any time, she was practically immobile, without any reaction. Harry still didn't understand what was going on.

"Sorry, Harry. I must go.“ Lottie tried to walk away, but then her once brother-in-law stopped her.

“No, no, no," he said, taking her arm, even though she didn't want to. "Wait, Christ, what is it? It's me! I'm Harry! So much time passed, God, I can't believe it. I never heard from you again, from any of you and that sucked, actually, but now I find you and wow, it's been so long. What are you doing here in London? Do you all live here now? Is everyone okay? Jay? Nany?”

She swallowed hard and looked at the ground. "I'm not supposed to do this ...”

“What do you mean?” Harry frowned. He felt a stitch in his chest, like when we know they are about to give us bad news.

"Mom died last year, Harry ...”

“What? How-“

"Cancer, it was terminal. And my grandmother is fine, she turns 94 next month.”

That had been like a punch to the face, a knockout. He wasn't even ashamed to admit that he wanted to cry. Jay died and he was not there for Louis.

"I'm so sorry, Lottie ... For not ... For not being there for you, I—"

“You did not know Don't worry Harry. We are fine. All of us.”

Harry swallowed hard. This was the moment he had been waiting for so long. So many years. Find Louis, or someone in his family and re-bond with them. But that was cut short when Lottie stopped a taxi and was about to get on it without even saying anything, not even goodbye.

"Lottie ... Louis, he ...”

Lottie turned around, giving him a stern look that felt like a pity if Harry was honest.

“He's fine...”

“He’s happy?” His voice sounded broken, and Harry didn't mind letting down a few tears.

"Very happy, Harry," she replied, and it was partly true. Since Haylie was in his life he was a different man.

She was about to get into the taxi, and he went to open the door for her. Lottie finally hugged him goodbye, and he reached for a contact card in his wallet; It said the name of the photography studio, its phone numbers and an email. She hesitated to take the card, but didn't want to be rude.

"Goodbye, Lotts. Send him my regards.” Harry tried to sound relaxed, but his voice was still shaky. “Please, make sure he calls me”

"I will," she lied and smiled. "Take care, Harry."


	9. Past and Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I took some time 'cause I've ran out of energy  
>  Of playing someone I heard I'm supposed to be  
> But honestly, I don't have to choose anymore _

_They locked eyes across the dance floor. Louis couldn’t tell the colour of his eyes in the dark club, but he was sure they were green and they were staring at him as he danced. Harry slowly approached him._

_“Would you like to dance with me?”_

_“Sorry mate, I’ve a girlfriend!” Louis said, almost in shock that the guy asked him to dance. It’s true, he had a pretty girlfriend but they were almost about to split. It could say that they weren't in love anymore but they are to lazy to break their relationship of almost 3 years._

_“I’ve asked if you want to dance, not if you want to marry me. Where’s your girlfriend now?”_

_Louis smiled, he did not expect that. “Honestly? I don’t know, with her friends, I guess.”_

_“Why does she leave you alone?” Harry slid his arms behind his neck and Louis almost wrapped his around his hips but took a step back._

_“Come on, lad. Don’t do this, I’m not gay”_

_“Okay, that’s doesn’t mean anything. You haven't taken your eyes off me for more than twenty minutes. I'm not stupid, you know?”_

_That was true, they accidentally collided on the dance floor and couldn't take their eyes off each other since._

_"Okay” Louis said._

_“Are you going to deny it?" Harry asked._

_“No” Louis swallow. “I’ve a girlfriend”_

_“That’s okay, I'm not jealous" Harry said and smiled. He slid his arms behind his neck and Louis wrapped his around his hips._

_They swayed and Louis found his scent intoxicating. He ducked his head to lightly kiss him. Harry grinned and deepened the kiss and Louis pulled him closer but soon he took a step back, looking around nervously as he wiped his mouth. “Shit, I shouldn't have done that."_

_“Is she here?” Harry asked, smiling._

_“What?” Louis said, looking at both sides._

_“Your girlfriend. She’s here tonight?”_

_“Yes” Louis replied. He couldn't believe what he had done, but his heart was beating too hard in his chest. He wanted to push himself and kiss the boy again, kiss him until his lips were spent, until he couldn't breathe._

_Harry got closer and bit down on his ear and whispered. “Want to take this outside?” He raised his eyebrows at him before trailing kisses across his jaw._

_Louis swallowed, looking at both sides again. “Yes” he said, almost without air._

_Harry reached for his hand and laughing, dragged him through the crowd and out the door. He kissed him once more and backed him against the side of the club. He had done this a couple of times but this time was different. They were running the risk that someone would see them, that his girlfriend or her friends would see them together and for Harry that was exciting._

_They kiss for over like ten minutes till Harry moved his hands to his belt and deftly unbuckled it. He unzipped his pants and dropped it to his knees, caressing his dick before kneeling and taking him into his mouth. The cold wall of the alley was bothering him but Louis kept fucking his mouth, biting his lips, feeling the climax approach too soon for his liking. “I'm going to- I'm close."_

_Harry only grinned and sucked harder. Louis brought his hands behind him and squeezed his backside as he came._

_Louis dragged him up his body and kissed him, tasting himself. Then Harry took a step back, smiling. “Nice dick, I’ve to go now” He turned to leave._

_Louis was still covering for his orgasm with his pants still on his knees and frowned because the boy was already halfway down the street. “I don’t even know your name!”_

_“Harry!”_

_******  
_

_Louis couldn’t keep his mind out of what happened. His mind kept wandering about the night before and his encounter with the stranger boy named Harry. He couldn’t stop thinking about the feeling of his lips on his, his mouth around his cock and the most beautiful green eyes he had ever seen. He supposed he could have used the internet to look up who he was or where he lived to send him a message, but the thing with anonymous blow job (or near anonymous since he had his name, but Harry didn’t know his) was the most exciting shit he had done in his life._

_Still, he felt guilty for having done so. He had returned home with his girlfriend, pretending that he did not receive a blowjob from a boy outside the place._

_*****_

_Harry was having trouble concentrating in class that Monday. He was in senior year, about to graduate. His encounter with the older guy last weekend had left him wanting more. He giggled to himself as he remembered coming back home without asking him his name. If he knew his name too, it would have made it more real and he might have gotten attached. But it was just oral sex. A simple blow job to a handsome guy. He thought about returning to the club he had been to see him again wishing this time at least to know his name._

_Then the next weekend happened._

_He was in that same club, along with some friends and Nick, the guy he had been dating since a few months ago. Harry had been dancing with him all night long, but in a moment, he looked over at the bar. There he was. Louis was leaning against the bar sipping a beer when he smiled at him, and he smiled back._

_Harry apologized to his friends around, madding his way through the crowd to that bar where Louis was, making signs that he was going to the bathroom._

_Louis followed him without even blinking and once there in the bathroom, he wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him close to passionately kiss him._

_When they broke off the kiss, Harry grinned against his lips. “Hi.”_

_“H...hello.” Louis buried his face in his curly hair to hide the blush that started to creep up his face. He probably should have led with hello instead of grabbing him possessively in a kiss like that._

_Harry grinned and moved to whisper in his ear. “I’ve been thinking about you”_

_Louis groaned and tightened his arm around his. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t, too.”_

_“I don’t... I don’t even know your name.”_

_“Louis” he said._

_“Louis... Well, nice to meet you, Louis”_

_Louis groaned again at the way his name rolled of his tongue. He kissed him again and said his name over and over around his lips. “Harry, Harry, Harry.”_

_It was Harry’s turn to moan. “I want you.”_

_Louis eyebrows rose. He had hoped, when he saw him across the room, that it would be a possibility, but was there such a thing as a second one night stand? Would he be getting himself in over his head if he said yes?_

_“Yes.” He cleared his throat. “But... would you like to come back to my place where we would be more comfortable?”_

_“I’d like that,” Harry softly replied. He kissed him, and when they broke off he grinned at him. “Should we go now?”_

_Louis nodded and took him by his hand and walked across the room and out into the cool night air to his car._

_*****_

_"So ... are you serious? You did that? Did you break up with her?” Harry was speechless. They had been sneaking around for over two months. But he was still seeing Nick and Louis had a girlfriend._

_“Yes, Harry. I... I just told her that I couldn't continue with her, I couldn't anymore”_

_“Why?" Harry asked, a voice inside him saying that Louis loved him because he felt it, this was not just something physical, this was something bigger than that._

_“Because I love you, Harry. I'm in love with you"_

.  
.  
.  
.  
.

Louis sighed looking at the watch on his wrist and realizing that he was arriving a little late to pick Haylie up from school.

The sky was cloudy and the air smelled of rain. Only in a few minutes would it start to rain, Louis was sure of that. He had said to Liam that they should postpone their plans to go to the park any other day, but he still wanted to push Haylie on the swings like a few days ago.

They had become close friends in recent months. It was pretty good, to tell the truth. Louis liked Liam and Haylie adored him as well.

It wasn't long until the two of them reached their meeting point. Louis and his daughter found Liam immediately, as always. He was wearing surprisingly tight white pants and a plaid shirt. He looked absolutely stunning, it was hard to keep his eyes off him.

“There you are, my two favorite people." Liam smiled as he leaned in close to Haylie. “How is the most beautiful princess?"

“Liam! Daddy said we would go to the park but he says it is going to rain, is that true?” Haylie asked after kissing Liam on the cheek.

“Your father is a party pooper, of course it is not going to rain," Liam said and soon there was slight thunder.

“You were saying?" Louis muttered and laughed as he lifted Haylie into his arms. “We're going home, come on kids” he said laughing.

Louis drove the short stretch home, with Haylie chatting about her day at school and Liam asking all about it. When they got there, Haylie just wanted to play with Liam and her father in front of the big TV in the living room.

They spent the day like that, talking, putting together princesses puzzles and watching cartoons till night

*******

Liam was great. It really was.

Louis kept in touch with him since they met at that ice cream parlor. The first four dates Haylie was there. She really loves him.

Now Louis really wanted to spend time with him alone and that's why he asked Lottie to be Haylie's babysitter that weekend. The point is, Lottie couldn't take care of her, she had agreed that she would go out with friends she hadn't seen in a while and couldn't cancel, so Louis invited Liam to his house again.

“Sorry, I know you wanted us to be alone but I didn't get a babysitter tonight." Louis apologized when he met Liam at his front door.

“No problem, Lou. You know I adore Haylie, where is she?” Liam smiled as he kissed his cheek.

“In the living room, she wants to watch a movie, so put yourself comfortable on the couch because we are going to watch some Disney shit again” Louis smiled as he guided him into the room.

“Liaaaaam!" Haylie yelled excitedly as she ran to meet him with her arms open for a hug.

“Hello Beautiful. How have you been?" Liam caught up with Haylie to reciprocate the hug.

******

"So you don't have a Princess?" Haylie asked in her sweet voice between a yawn.

“What?" Liam smiled. They were talking about sports with Louis, but suddenly Haylie came out with one of his weird questions. She was an extraordinary girl.

“My dad had his prince Harold but he didn't stay with him."

“Haylie" Louis frowned.

“Who's Harold?" Liam asked with a laugh.

“No one" Louis replied. “I think it's time to go to bed, love. Say goodbye to Liam ”

“Can Liam stay over here?" Haylie asked.

“Liam has his own bed, love. I'm sure he loves sleeping in it, so say goodbye to him and let's go to sleep”

Liam suppressed a smile upon hearing it. “I love my bed, Haylie, another day I'll stay if your daddy agrees, okay?" He winked at her and Haylie smiled as she took her father's hand and started up the stairs to go to her room.

Once they were there, Louis dressed Haylie in her pajamas and tucked her into her bed to finally sleep.

“Sweet dreams, darling”

“Daddy?"

“Yes love?" Louis replied leaning down to kiss her forehead.

“I like Liam. Do you like Liam?”

“Yes of course. He’s a good friend” he replied.

“I think you can be his prince" Haylie confessed in whispers. “He looks at you and smiles a lot. He also told me that he wanted to be your boyfriend”

“What? When did he say that?” Louis swallowed hard.

“The other day in the park, you were buying us ice cream"

Oh sure. Louis had gone to buy ice cream and the two of them were alone for a few minutes. 

“So?” Haylie asked.

“So what, darling?”

“About Liam...” 

“Like I said, he’s a good friend, love.” Louis smiled and kissed her forehead. “Now sleep time.”

Louis waited a few minutes until his daughter fell asleep and turned off the lights in the room. He went downstairs to find Liam standing in the living room, searching for his coat.

“Oh, are you leaving?" Louis asked puzzled.

“Yes, I mean, I don't know, I thought you wanted to rest.” Liam smiled shyly. “Your daughter is amazing, she is really perfect"

Louis smiled and nodded. “She is. Thanks for tonight, and really, I'm sorry. I know you wanted us to have a night alone at last, but-“

“Lou, it's fine, seriously, you know I love her” Liam said as he approached and timidly took his hand. “You wanted to be alone with me too?"

“Of course..." Louis said and swallowed hard. It’s the first time they have taken each other's hands and probably something went on inside him by the simple touch.

It wasn't that Louis is not attracted to Liam, of course not. But none of their dates had met Haylie before. He is practically the only person that Haylie accepted as his partner or something and that caused him fear. He is afraid of ruining this. Louis has already ruined a relationship, and if things go wrong with Liam, not only will he get hurt, but Haylie too and he doesn't want that. He doesn’t want to fail, he cannot fail again. He doesn’t want to disappoint his daughter.

He cannot fall in love again, he cannot allow himself.

“You are a good friend," he muttered softly and Liam subtly released his hand. "I’ll walked you to the door"

But it was at that moment, when he saw Liam's sad look, trying to hide his disappointment, as he approached and left a farewell kiss on his cheek, that Louis realized.

_What are you doing? Are you going to let this happen forever? Do you finally meet someone who is really worth it and are you going to spoil it just for fear of failing?_

Unexpectedly, he took Liam's face and kissed him on the lips.

The understanding of what was happening hit him at that moment. The contact made Louis feel dizzy. He felt his cheeks flush and his heart beat. He really hoped that Liam couldn't feel how fast and strong his heart was beating, he wouldn't have known how to explain it without saying something embarrassing.

Slowly, their lips parted and they both rested their foreheads on each other's.

“So, Perrie, Haylie's babysitter, is getting married next month and she… Well, she said I could bring a guest. I was wondering if ... did you want to be my date?” Louis asked shyly.

Liam smiled. “Of course”

“Good, perfect. Great”

“Louis?” Liam asked, taking Louis’ hand again.

“Yeah?”

“Can we kiss again?”

Louis smirked and walked over to him. “Of course," he said and kissed him again.

That night they slept together on the sofa. He looked at the man curled up in his arms once more and bit his lip. The strange and warm feelings he felt made much more sense now. More he thought about it, more things seemed to fit. All the time Liam spent looking at him, his willingness to go anywhere to spend time with him and Haylie, all pointed to the same thing. Louis was in love, completely crazy about him. His cheeks turned light pink again as he realized it.

Liam looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “Everything is okay?”

Louis smiled and stroked his cheek, then leaned down and kissed his lips gently. “Everything is perfect”


	10. Haylie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It's inevitable, everything that's good comes to an end_

_Their bodies entangled together on the bed, the cover was thrown off long before. The lights were off, nothing but the shining of the moonlight illuminated the room they were in._

_Moans and softs kisses filled the dark room. Moans full of pleasure and anticipation. A mix of lust and need echoed against the walls._

_“You’re so beautiful, Harry.” Louis said, his voice laced with need and love._

_“Shhh! Just fuck me already” Harry answered in the dark, groaning at the comment._

_“No, you need to know how perfect you are. How amazing you are. I want to kiss you all over, cherish your beautiful body.”_

_“Then do it.”_

_Louis went back to ravishing Harry’s tanned, shining skin. Pressing sloppy kisses all over his body, but missing the places Harry so desperately needed him._

_Louis placed a firm hand on Harry’s hip stopping him from grinding needlessly into the air. His need for friction clear, but Louis was always testing him. Pushing him to his limit._

_He went back to attack the skin below him. Cherishing each moan he pulled from Harry’s lips as he sinfully made his way further down his body. Nibbling ever so gently on his collarbones, nipples and hips._

_“I want you, Louis.” Harry moaned the words, unable to speak properly anymore._

_“Be patient, love. I want to take my time with you.” Louis’ voice was sultry. His own erection twitching at the sound of his lover broken voice._

_He wanted nothing more than to take the curly exactly where he was now. But the teasing was far too fun for him. Harry’s stomach was covered in his pre cum, his excitement showing with no shame. It was breathtaking and Louis loved nothing more than to tear Harry apart bit by bit._

_Harry lifted his hips in the air again, finally rubbing his wet dick against Louis’ thigh. The action making Louis almost lose his composure. The feeling of Harry’s dick sliding against his bare thigh sent shivers through his whole body._

_“Fuck, Harry. You’re so damn needy right now.”_

_“I just wish… you’d fucking touch me already.” Harry groaned again, his voice low. Once again he brought his hips up to meet Louis, grinding against his leg. Letting out small moans and whimpers at the touch alone. “Don’t you think you’ve teased me enough?”_

_“I could never have enough of your body.” As he spoke he placed a firm hand on Harry’s hip and forced him back down to the bed. The curly let out a loud whimper, shivering beneath Louis. “Now will you calm down and be a good boy for me?”_

_The words went straight to Harry’s dick, twitching and throbbing. Harry needed some kind of relief, he was desperate now. Every time he tried to get some sort of friction Louis pushed him back onto the bed._

_“I’m trying to be good for you. If you don’t touch me soon I’m going to go insane!” Harry almost shouted at Louis. His frustration clear in his voice, he’s always loved being teased but this was too much._

_They shared another kiss, lips parting to allow each other access to their tongues. Swirling them around each other’s, neither of them fighting for dominance. Harry nipped Louis’ lower lip, pulling at it once they’d separated. Both of them breathless now, panting and faces flushed._

_“I broke up with her” Louis said, almost breathless. “I–I” he placed kisses down Harry again. Leaving a particularly large purple bruise below his neck. Marking him and hummed when the curly sighed underneath him contently._

_"So ... are you serious? You did that? Did you break up with her?” Harry was speechless. They had been sneaking around for over two months. But he was still seeing Nick and Louis had a girlfriend._

_“Yes, Harry. I... I just told her that I couldn't continue with her, I couldn't anymore”_

_“Why?" Harry asked, a voice inside him saying that Louis loved him because he felt it, this was not just something physical, this was something bigger than that._

_“Because I love you, Harry. I'm in love with you"_

_They kissed further down and Louis darting out his tongue, tasting the sheen of sweat on his lover. Something like that, before Harry, had disgusted Louis, although, now he loves nothing more than to taste every part of this boy._

_He worked his way down to the curly hip bone, nipping again at the skin. He was already sat between Harry’s legs, which made it easy for him to slide down. Pulling his lovers legs apart, he placed his head right beside Harry’s leaking member. Putting a hand against the base and squeezing it gently, enough to have Harry whimper. Delicate kisses placed around the base, not quite touching it with his tongue yet.  
Finally, finally he reached Harry’s dick. His hand still at the base, he wrapped his tongue around the shaft, starting at the bottom and working his way up. _

_Once he reached the head, he brought his mouth up and covered it. Giving Harry a small suck._

_“Ahh, fuck- fuck.” Harry moaned through gritted teeth._

_Louis only hummed, mouth still stuffed with Harry’s thick cock. Tasting his juices and wanting nothing more in that moment to take Harry for all he was worth, but this wasn’t about him. This was about pleasing his lover, making him into nothing more than a shivering mess. So far, he was succeeding at that._

_The curly below him was gasping and grabbing at the covers below him. Trying not to thrust himself up into Louis’ mouth, which was more of a struggle than he had imagined. Louis was grateful that he was holding himself down, regardless, he kept a hand pushing against Harry’s hips._

_Harry looked down at him, eyes glazed over in lust. Inhaling, he let out another long content groan._

_“Finally,” he let out a breath, “I’ve been waiting so long for that.” Harry’s voice was broken, he let go of the covers from his hand, and caressed Louis’ hair._

_Louis removed the dick from his mouth and frowned. “Are you talking about the blowjob or that I broke up with her for you?"_

_Harry laughed “Both”_

_Louis continued his assault on Harry’s dick. Finally moving himself down, so his nose was flush against Harry’s sweet skin. Harry’s hand tugged lightly on Louis’ hair, something he knew the man loved. Again, Louis let out a groan. The vibrations causing Harry to cry out in bliss._

_“Lou, I can’t-” Not being able to get out the last of his words. Luckily, Louis had moved himself up again, swirling his tongue around Harry’s swollen head. He grabbed the base of his dick harshly, desperate not to cum just yet. It was far too soon, and he wanted to feel everything. Usually he’d be able to climax twice in one session, but he didn’t want that this time._

_Louis moved out of the way, licking his lips sinfully. "Aren't you going to say anything about it then?" he growled, unable to keep his excitement at bay._

_Harry had managed to keep himself calm enough to not climax. Before he knew what was happening Louis had pushed him onto his side and was placing a pillow beneath him. Harry lay himself stomach against the sheets, his bottom now on full display. He spread his legs and moved his erection so it was facing downwards. Giving Louis access to it, if he so wished. Louis pulled out the lube they had, and covered his hand in it. The sound like music to Harry’s ears. He braced for the intrusion, and let out a sinful cry once he felt a finger placed inside of him._

_Louis fondled with his lovers balls, playing with them. His other hand worked on stretching his boy. Adding another finger and scissoring him. The little whimpers and mewls coming from Harry made him smile lovingly at the view. It was odd how something so dirty could make his stomach fill with butterflies._

_He sighed, “I love you.” It was little more than a whisper but Harry had heard him. Looking over his shoulder and rewarding Louis with a bright smile. His face reddened and he pushed his fingers further into Harry. His knuckles now pressed against his entry, searching for that sweet spot._

_He knows he’s found it when Harry squirms under his touch. Crying out in pleasure, he shoves himself roughly against Louis’ hands. Desperate for more, to feel more._

_“Mo-More. Please” He begs, eyes almost rolling back and whimpering at every touch._

_“Didn’t I tell you to be patient?” Louis asks, although his own cock is aching. He’s yet to be touched by his boy and the feeling is now frustrating him more than anything else. As tempted as he was to thrust eagerly into Harry. He wanted the room to be full of his lovers moans, loud enough so everyone knew he belonged to him._

_“Say it.” Louis growled again at him, low and seductively. “Say it, please”_

_“Louis, I want you to take me. Right now. I can’t wait much longer.” Harry begged, squirming underneath him and grinding with abandon against his fingers. “Please”_

_Louis succumbed to Harry’s wish, no longer able to hold out. Wanting to be enveloped by Harry, he pulled his his fingers out and watched in awe as Harry’s greedy hole stretched in anticipation of what was to come. Flipping his boy so he was now lying on his back, Louis roughly pulled Harry’s legs closer to him._

_“Pass me the condom.” He ordered. He’d lost his control now, knowing how close he is himself to his own climax. He’s desperate to enter Harry, he’s shaking. He greedily grabs the condom from Harry’s hands. When he sees Harrys eyes widen in what looks like shock._

_Before he’s able to put the condom on, Harry hands and grabbing his own, steadying him. “Hey, Lou” He coos gently. Holding onto pale, shaking hands. Rubbing circles on his knuckles. “It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere. Im here. I’m here.” He repeats. Forgetting that for the last hour or so, Louis hasn’t had a touch of relief._

_Louis brought back to his senses, and watches as Harry takes the condom from his hands. Opens it with his teeth, keeping eye contact and puts in on Louis throbbing cock. The feeling of being touched nearly sending him over the edge. Until Harry reaches the bottom and grabs the base, as he had before._

_“Th-thank you.” Louis whispers, almost ashamed of his previous actions. He embraces his boy in a loving cuddle, before helping place him back down the sheets. Harry’s smiling up at him, eyes hooded and his skin patchy with redness. “You look amazing like this. You’re so perfect for me. I want you to know that.” Louis speaks softly, brought back to his senses._

_“Only because you bring out the best in me.” Harry replies, letting his eyes close finally and his head falls back onto a pillow._

_Louis lines himself up again, this time with more concentration than before. He grabs the lube and covers his dick, wanting to spend a little more time on himself. Even through the condom the feeling has him gasping for air. After he’s confident with the amount of lube he has spread across himself, he penetrates Harry, feeling his ass accommodate the stretch. Louis loses himself in the bliss that is Harry. He manages one thrust before he has to stop himself from moving for fear he will cum too soon._

_Harry looks up at him, his body covered in sweat and small purple bruises. He pants underneath him and offers him another gorgeous smile. “I-I love you, too” he whispered and as he does he lets out a long moan._

_The sound fills Louis’ ears and he finds himself seeing nothing else in the room apart from Harry. He thrusts against Harry again and pulls out another groan from his lover. The sounds helping him set a pace, it’s slow and steady. Calm, he’s transfixed on Harry’s gaze. Neither of them able to look away. They’re both looking into each others eyes and Harry tightens himself. The feeling making Louis tremble._

_They continue rocking against each other in a slow pace. The sounds of each others voices filling the room. Harry meets each thrust enthusiastically, pushing himself further against Louis. The view is nothing short of astonishing, the way Harry stretches below him. His balls are aching for release, but he wants to watch Harry come apart first, quite literally._

_He reaches for Harry’s dick, it’s smeared with his pre cum. Twitching at each thrust. He places his hand around the cock, stroking it slowly. Spreading the pre cum down the shaft, which makes it easier for him to rub his hand up and down. Harry whimpers, mewls and groans in enjoyment._

_“I need you closer” he pants, and Louis obeys him. Leaning down and nuzzling into his neck. Whispering soft praises into Harry’s ear. Harry melts against the touch, giving himself completely to his lover. His throat sore from the noises that have been escaping him all night. “Ca-Can’t hold on.” He whines in Louis’ ear._

_Louis pulls himself back slightly and keeps his slow pace on Harry’s cock. Before long Harry is covering his hand in his climax, rutting against his hand. His face scrunched up in satisfaction, loud moans leaving his mouth._

_The view alone brings Louis to his own orgasm, collapsing against Harry. He hisses as he cums, pulling Harry’s arms around him. Keeping him safe in his embrace. Harry cradles him, whispering into his ear._

_“I love you so much, you done so well. You’re so perfect” He caresses Louis nape, and peppers him in kisses, eyes closed._

_Louis lays beside him and rubs soft circles into his chest, kissing his face and eyelids. Pulling him as close as he possibly can, he loves the way Harry seems to glow after they have sex. Although, he felt it had never been this intense._

_“I need to ask you something, Harry.” Louis sighed wearily and speaks sleepily. “Can I?”_

_“Sure, Lou.” Harry answered, looking him in the eye. “Anything”_

_“I love you, and... will you let me be your boyfriend?” Louis ask, smiling._

_“I want to marry you already, Louis. So, of course... let’s be boyfriends for now” Harry replies, kisses Louis on his eyelids and they both fall into a well deserved sleep._

_******_

_"Oh, love," Louis whispered with a smile when he walked into his apartment. Asleep on the couch was his adorably rumpled boyfriend who, if he was guessing, probably had himself a very long day._

_Ever since Harry went to college, he'd come home exhausted after exams. They were living together about four months ago and they have been together for 2 and a half years. Louis is almost 26 and Harry, just turned 20._

_Louis has been working double shifts ever since. He leaves early in the morning and returns at night. Harry's college is kind of expensive and seeing each other as often as they liked was one of the reasons they moved in together._

_Letting out a quiet sigh, Louis pulled off his jacket, sat his bag on the floor and walked over, running his fingers through his boyfriend's brown curly hair while taking the tablet out of his hands, not even a little surprised that Harry was reading notes from school._

_Louis looked at him and tried to decide the best course of action. Usually, he was the one who fell asleep on the couch, buried under work files and his laptop. Harry would come in and, no matter how tired he was, he'd cajole Louis into their bed._

_Unfortunately, Louis only had a few options in regards to getting Harry into bed. Carrying him was out because, thanks to all that heavy lifting he does at gym, Harry had his fair share of muscles hiding behind the button downs and he was heavy than two years ago. Waking him up was out too, he doesn't sleep enough as it is and if Louis tried to get him to move, his boyfriend would find an excuse not to go back to bed. The best idea Louis could think of was to let the sleeping Harry be._

_Louis give Harry a kiss on his forehead before turning off the light and heading to their room. It took all of two minutes to change into pajamas, which was actually just Harry’s favourite University t-shirt and a pair of shorts, for Louis realise that he wasn't going to be able to sleep alone._

_"The couch it is," he mumbled before he grabbed one of their pillows and a blanket off the bed and went back into the living room._

_Harry, still deep in his sleep, didn't move when Louis put the pillow under his head or when he pulled off his boots but the second he laid half on Harry and half on the couch, his boyfriend shifted and his arms snaked around Louis, pulling him tight against his chest. That warm feeling that Louis always gets from being in close proximity to Harry settled over him as he got comfortable. Louis rested his head on Harry’s shoulder and drifted off to sleep._

_Harry was warm, at least, warmer than he should've been for someone who fell asleep alone on the couch. He had a long day and, instead of coming home and going to bed like a sane person, he thought he could study for the next exams. Admittedly, he didn't get very far, his need for sleep winning out over everything else. He must've been out for a while too if Louis came home he didn't even notice. Usually, Harry would hear him when he came in, stumbling about in exhaustion before climbing into bed or felling asleep on the couch._

_Harry didn't have to open his eyes to know that Louis was the reason why he was warm, the older man's whole body was pressed against him, Louis’ arm wrapped around his waist and their legs tangled together. They were also under a blanket and Louis gave off heat like you wouldn't believe. Shifting just a little, Harry looked at his watch. Half past three in the morning._

_"Go back to sleep," Louis muttered against his chest, his voice deeper than usual._

_"When did ye get home, love?" he asked, dropping a kiss on the mess of Louis’ hair._

_"Sometime after midnight. Sleep."_

_He let out a chuckle because Louis was much worse than him. Between the classes of programs he had to take, the research he was working on and everything else he had to do on any given day, Louis getting home after midnight wasn't as odd as it used to be. Harry was still holding out hope that Louis’ schedule will ease off in the next few months since he was almost done with his classes but knowing the hyperactive man as well as he does, Harry knew that Louis will probably jump right into something else._

_People often ask just how he ended up with the sweet creature six years older and the answer was simply that he had no idea. They met a night and had sex. He remembers the way Louis went crazy when Harry confessed to him that he was 17 years old. At first he had lied to him that he was 19, but in less than two months the relationship became serious and he couldn’t continue lying. Probably at first they believed that they would only be playing love, not that they would become a 5-year relationship._

_Of course, their heart didn't get the memo from their head, especially not with Louis being as beautiful and a good boyfriend as he was. Turned out that, in addition to they had great sex, Harry ended up loving him like nobody else._

_"Stop thinking and go to sleep," Louis said._

_"Can’t help it; I'm thinking about you."_

_"Well, stop."_

_"Nope. I don’t want to."_

_"I love you too, Harold," Louis chuckled, his hands sliding under Harry’s shirt. "Now sleep before I find a much better activity for us to do on this couch."_

_"Threatening me with sex is not a way to get me back to sleep,"  
Harry laughed._

_"It's not? Are you sure?"_

_"Of course I'm sure”_

_“Then tell me. What were you thinking about?” Louis asked as he stroked his curls._

_“I want to have kids with you”_

_“What? Babe, are you pregnant?” Louis said, happily as he caressed his tummy._

_Harry laughed and hit his arm. “I'm serious. I want at least two”_

_Louis laughed too. “Well baby. I’m really not a lover of children. I never imagined being a father, I don't know... I don’t know if I wants kids”_

_Harry pouted and crossed his arms. Louis laughed and kissed his nose._

_“Well, I can think about it a bit more” Louis said. Harry was not happy still. “Okay, love. We can have two of them. Two boys, right?”_

_Harry smiled happily and hugged him. “A girl first and then a boy"_

_"Okay then. Perfect. And you know what you want them to be called? We can name the boy Jack, and the girl Rose”_

_Harry rolled his eyes and denied. "My children will not be called as the protagonists of Titanic who died"_

_“Only Jack died.”_

_“Still”_

_“They both fit on the table. I'm so mad” Louis joked and Harry pricked his arm._

_“I’m serious. The boy can be Lucas.” Harry hug him again, resting his head in Louis’ chest. “But you can choose his if you like another one. I mean, I like that because I want the boy’s name to start with L, and she will get my H instead”_

_“That’s smart. I like that, babe.” Louis smiled and kissed his forehead. “And what name will she get then?”_

_Harry sighed and smiled. “Haylie"_

_*****_

_"So he still hasn't called?" Jay asked while stroking the face of her son, who a month ago was living with her and Lottie again. She was really his ground wire._

_“No," Louis let out a weary sigh. "He won't call me. He doesn't love me anymore ”_

_“How are you sure of that?" Jay asked, frowning._

_“Because I just know it. He's just a coward anyway.”_

_“I see..." Jay half smiled. “I guess that... love is only for the brave."_

_*****_

_Four months had passed when Louis came home with the big news. Lottie was about to move to London to study Clothing Design, so Louis believed it would be a good idea to start a new life there. He looked for a new job and soon rented a small house for himself and his mother; in a matter of two months they settled there._

_It was crazy, to tell the truth, Jay was excited with the news that she would be a grandmother, and a few months later, a beautiful girl came into the world._

_When Jay went to the hospital to meet his granddaughter, it only took a few minutes to love her. She approached Louis, who with tears in his eyes held his daughter in his arms. Jay was moved by the image, believing that his son was dazzled by the beauty of his daughter, but soon discovered it when she observed her carefully while carrying her._

_The baby opened her eyes and Jay's suspicions were confirmed by seeing Louis burst into tears._

_"She’s so much like him, Isn’t she?”_

_“Louis I need an explanation right now” said Jay while looking at her son and her alleged granddaughter in his arms. She peered detained again and swallowed hard. “How is that ...?"_

_“Please don't look at her differently now. She's my daughter, okay? She’s mine, she is your granddaughter, and you have to love her as if she were my blood. I promise that I will tell you the whole truth but not now, please” Louis said between tears as he caressed his daughter's face. “I want you to promise me that you are going to love her as before or even more"_

_Jay nodded, now with tears in her eyes as she wiped away the tears from her son's eyes. She sighed and looked at the baby in her arms. “She’s beautiful, love. Congratulations. What's her name?"_

_Louis smiled and stroked his daughter's head. He reached out and placed a kiss on her small forehead. “Haylie”_


	11. Past and Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Nothing wakes you up like waking up alone_

_Louis sat at the breakfast bar lazily eating his bowl of cereal. The sound of the spoon clinking against the bowl didn't do anything to hush the quiet that had fallen over his apartment for the past 3 weaks._

_He gave up on chewing his cereal after a few mouthfuls and decided on staring into the full cereal bowl, watching them slowly turn to mush. Was is strange that he found solace in watching once intact bits of cereal fall apart? He wanted to see something disintegrate too, to lose form the way he did.  
  
Did he really just find satisfaction from watching processed bits of wheat and sugar turn to mush? It hit Louis that he just wanted something else to deteriorate too, the way he was at that moment in time.  
  
The apartment still looked like theirs. DVDs they bought together when they first moved in, photos of them together in the fridge, an apron that said 'Kiss the Cook' on it. His chest began aching a little more than it was before. The apron was a gift from Harry.   
  
Harry had snaked his arms around Louis’ waist, pressing a light kiss to his neck. "Happy Valentine’s Day." He said, replacing the arms around his waist with the apron.  
  
"What are you doing? You're actually such a spork!" Louis laughed and removed the blindfold Harry had so unnecessarily but endearingly made him wear for this surprise. Louis looked down at the words on the apron and immediately rolled his eyes.  
  
" 'Kiss the cook', really Harold? That's so cheesy." He said with no trace of judgement in his voice.  
  
"Does it really say that? What a shame, I guess I have to now!" He teased, and leaned in to place a kiss on his boyfriend's lips.  
  
Louis chided himself, he wasn't supposed to be thinking about him anymore. It had been almost a month already. The dull ache in his chest that he had grown accustomed to turned into a persistent pang whenever he allowed himself to not only remember, but to reminisce of what he and Harry used to be. Louis was broken again, and Harry wasn’t here this time to fix him.   
  
Then later he was walking slowly to his bedroom. He opened the cupboard door and pulled out his, no Harry’s old Stones t-shirt. He lifted the shirt to his face and sniffed. It still smelt like him. _

_Without thinking, he slipped his own plain black shirt off and pulled the Rolling Stones shirt over his head. At least he still had a piece of Harry, since he couldn’t have the real thing.  
  
Louis knew this was pathetic, he really did, but as he cried himself to sleep wearing his ex-boyfriend’s t-shirt, he couldn’t find it in himself to care.  
  
He just remembered some of the things he said to him when they started to living together. _

_“We’re soulmates, Harry. So in every single alternate reality there is, we’d be together. I’m just glad that in this universe, this Louis can love this Harry” He pressed their foreheads together.  
  
“I’m just happy that here, right now, I get to be with you, making out with you in my Rolling Stones t-shirt that I’ll probably have take to the laundry soon. But I know we’d be together forever and always”  
  
Shit. This was going to be really hard, because every step he takes inside that house is a sad new memory now. _

_He has to leave soon._  
  
.  
.  
.

When Louis opened his eyes, he frowned at the feel of a body pressed against his. He looked down and found Liam's hand around his hip. He smiled remembering the night before. It was definitely good sex and Louis no longer remembered what it was like to reach the limit and touch the sky at least three times in one night. 

He felt exhausted, but relaxed and happy. Happy as long ago ...

His inner peace was over when he heard the noise of the apartment bell. He frowned and looked at his alarm clock lying on the nightstand. It was 7 am on a Sunday. He had no idea who it could be.

He raised Liam's hand gently so that he could get out of bed without waking him, but his lover woke up anyway.

“Everything is fine?" Liam asked in a yawn.

Louis reached out to kiss his cheek. "Somebody knocks the door. Don't worry, I'll be right back. Keep sleeping"

Liam nodded and turned around, settling himself better on the bed and placing both hands under the pillow.

Louis stood up, pulled on a pair of pants, and grabbed the first shirt he found in the room, regardless of whether it was Liam's. He left the room bound for his daughter's room, checking that she was sleeping peacefully in her bed. Haylie usually wakes up late on Sundays, anyway.

Louis descended the stairs to the front door, but stopped on the bottom steps when he heard the sound of keys. He walked down the remaining steps, frowning as he grabbed the umbrella hanging on the hallway rack by the door, but his face relaxed as Lottie entered his home.

“Oh, Christ. It was you! You scared me” Louis said laughing, as he put the umbrella in its place.

“We need to talk, Louis," Lottie interrupted as she removed her coat and hung it on the coat rack. "Sorry for coming like this out of the blue without warning, but I couldn't sleep through the night and you need to know this."

Louis frowned as he listened to his sister like that. Lottie spoke in a way that he hadn't seen her before. She was upset, nervous. “Lott, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

“I saw him”

“Who? What are you talking about?"

“Harry"

Lottie noticed how Louis's face transformed. Looking worried now he looked terrified. It had been years since he heard that name. Louis had asked his sister and mother not to name him again. And he was happy pretending that Harry Styles never existed in his life.

“What? How? Where? You didn’t—“ Louis straightened his hair back and scrubbed his face with his hands. He was visibly nervous, almost about to panic, you might say. “You didn't tell him anything, did you?"

Louis hoped that Lottie would calm his growing anxiety. He wanted to hear her say that she ignore him, that she didn't strike up a conversation with him but that obviously didn't happen because Lottie was there to say more than just that.

“What did you say to him, Lottie?" Louis swallowed hard. "What did you say to him? What did he say to you? Oh god— ”Louis tugged on his hair and leaned against the nearest wall.

“Calm down, Lou. Please” Lottie tried to approach her brother, but he was extremely upset.

“How the fuck do you want me to calm down, Charlotte ?! My god! This cannot be happening right now.” Louis said and covered his face with both hands. He was ready to cry.

“Louis. You have to talk to him,” Lottie said, her voice serious and firm. “You have to speak to him, please. He has to know”

“No!" Louis screamed and didn't mind being crying helplessly from one second to the next. “NO! He has no right to anything, he didn't give a shit about everything. He doesn't deserve anything from me, not anymore!”

“Louis, god dammit. She’s his daughter!" Lottie yelled now.

"HAYLIE IS MY DAUGHTER!"

Louis screamed just as Liam started down the stairs. He was dressed in his jean pants and bare chest, since Louis was wearing his shirt. He didn't want to interfere, but he had heard the screams and was already halfway up the stairs, he couldn't stay there long.

“Oh, I didn't know you had visitors," Lottie said sadly. “Sorry, Hello! I am Louis's sister, Charlotte” she said, approaching Liam with an outstretched hand.

“Liam. Nice to meet you.” He smiled at her and spoke to Louis. “Lou, I think I’ve to go”

Louis wiped away his tears instantly and approached him, taking off his shirt to spread it out. “You don't have to go, we were just talking about unimportant things," he said, looking at his sister. 

Lottie understood that they were not going to continue talking about it, she took the courage to go to the guest room, since she used to stay there some weekends. Of course she was going to follow the conversation but she didn't want to and couldn't talk about it in front of Liam.

“You're good?" Liam asked and walked over to him, hugging him and kissing his hair.

Louis responded instantly, almost automatically. “I'm fine, just ... let's go to bed, okay?"

“Are you sure you don't want me to go?" Liam asked, breaking the hug to look at him in the eyes.

It was 7 in the morning. Louis believed that they could sleep at least two more hours. He nodded and moved to kiss Liam on the lips.

“I'm sure," he said and took his hands, climbing the stairs to head back to the room.

******

Usually on Sundays Lottie comes to visit her brother and niece, so Haylie didn't think it was strange to wake up with her aunt's soft voice kissing her whole face.

“Up, up, sleeping beauty," Lottie said after leaving one last kiss on her forehead to stand up and draw the curtains to let in some sunlight.

“Auntie?” Haylie asked and rubbed her eyes.

“Wake up because we have visitors. Liam is here,” Lottie warned her. "We are going to brush our faces and teeth and go down to breakfast"

Haylie smiled widely. “Liam is here? He came again?” she said in a cheerful voice.

Lottie laughed. Thank God for Haylie and she's a kid and innocent for now. She doesn't have to know that her father brought someone to sleep with him. Lottie had heard of Liam but never seen him until this morning. He was handsome, his brother definitely has good taste in choosing his boys.

Minutes later, Lottie and Haylie went downstairs for breakfast. They found Louis and Liam, drinking the morning coffee, sitting face to face on the kitchen island.

Haylie rushed over to greet Liam.

“Liaaaaaaaam! You came again!” she said smiling as she hugged him at hip height.

Liam looked at Louis askance, he just smiled and denied.

“I wanted to breakfast with you and your daddy, are you glad to see me?" Liam asked.

“Yup!” Haylie answered as she got out of the hug and ran to greet her father. “Daddy, good morning. Liam slept here?”

Louis almost choked on coffee. “What? No, why do you say — no, no.”

“He is wearing the same clothes as last night, I thought you two had a sleepover last night and you didn’t invite me”

“Oh god," Lottie said and laughed out loud as she walked over to the coffee pot and poured herself a cup. “Leave your dad alone, love. He's with his... friend. Come here, Auntie makes you breakfast.”

Haylie nodded and sat in her usual chair to wait for her glass of milk and cereal. She liked how Perrie and her aunt made it for her.

Liam suppressed his smile behind his coffee cup, glancing at Louis. Louis returned the knowing smile and winked at him.

When lunchtime came, Liam thought it would be time to go, but he must have known that neither Haylie nor Louis wanted him to leave. They spent the entire afternoon between games and movies.

Lottie didn't plan to leave until she had a conversation with her brother and she was going to wait until Liam left and Haylie fell asleep to talk to him.

“I had a nice day," Liam said as he walked towards the door. Louis asked Lottie to entertain Haylie so he could say goodbye to him properly since they didn’t had been alone in all day. “And definitely a great night," he said shyly.

Louis turned around, checking that Lottie and Haylie had climbed the stairs to approach him and take one of his hands.

“Me too. It's been a long, long time - and I'm not lying - that I didn't have such a good time with someone.” He stepped forward and move Liam's bangs back. “I want it to happen again soon." He sealed his desire with a kiss on the lips.

Liam reciprocated with eagerness and fervor. They kissed for a few long minutes before Louis broke the kiss. "So..."

“So ... will you call me? One of these days?" Liam asked.

“Of course." Louis nodded, smiling to come closer and plant another kiss on his lips. This time a soft kiss. "I will call you"

“All right. I have to go, bye Lou.”

“Goodbye, Liam”

After greeting Liam, Louis went upstairs because Lottie was about to bathe Haylie. The little girl had such an exhausted day that as soon as her aunt finished putting on her pajamas and brushing her hair, she fell asleep. She doesn't fall asleep without Daddy's good night kiss, and that's why Louis was there for her when she was too sleepy and closed her eyes.

When Louis left Haylie's room, he heard cup noises in the kitchen, and given what time it was, Lottie was very likely about to make tea.

Louis descended the stairs and headed toward the kitchen. His sister was sitting on the breakfast island, looking at a small piece of paper in her hand. He sighed and sat opposite her. Neither said anything for a few moments but then Lottie reached out, leaving the small card near her brother.

“What is this?" Louis said, frowning as he took the card and read what was written there.

_Styles Ph  
077-70322 (studio)  
555-028 (mobile)  
stylesphstudio@uk.com _

He laughed as soon as he finished reading it. His hand was still trembling. “He’s a photographer now?" He said with a laugh.

“What are you laughing at?" Lottie said, frowning. She didn't see grace in the whole thing.

“He was studying marketing, but he only did it because his parents wanted him to have an important degree. He wanted to be a photographer instead” Louis explained.

“And that doesn’t make you proud? Knowing that he now lives off what he really likes? Why are you laughing at him?” Lottie asked. His tone still serious.

“Is not that." Louis said and swallowed hard. “I gave him his first professional camera, on his 21st birthday. That crap cost a fortune. It was one of the best at the moment”

Lottie nodded. She reached out and held the trembling hands of Louis holding that card.

“I don't—" Louis sighed and denied.

“You can do this, Lou," Lottie said, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb. “You know you have to, and I know you will do the right thing."

“He's going to hate me," Louis said, and he sounded sad. He got tired of pretending to give a shit about his ex's life, he actually always prayed that Harry had a good memory of him. At least appreciate the good times they had, not just the bad ones. “I don't want him to hate me"

“Lou. He has to know. No matter the reaction and the after. It’s your right to let him know and he will know what to do with that information, but you have to do your part. Besides… you promised Mom, did you forget?”

Of course not. He doesn't forget the last conversation he had with his mother in that hospital room. Jay wanted him to promise that he would tell Harry the truth. He promised it, he had to keep his promise.

*****

The alarm on the phone rang in his ears, and Louis dropped even lower under the covers. He has trouble getting up in the morning, but today was Monday, and that motivated him to want to start the day at once. He could take days off from work, miss if he wanted to, or work from home; but leaving his apartment cleared him very much of his thoughts.

With a sigh, he grabbed his phone from under his pillows and turned off the alarm. He yawned, and started his daily routine, taking a shower first.

He came to his room, put on his glasses, and inspected his clothing. He went downstairs, poured his coffee, and waited for his sister to wake up so he could go to work. Perrie had taken a month off from finalizing her marriage details, so Lottie was the babysitter for the week.

Louis was now a businessman. He had a very important position in the company and wore suits daily in the office. When he arrived in London he was reunited with Steve, a former colleague from the finance company in Doncaster. Steve had inherited a fortune from his parents and wanted to invest in a new firm. Louis had some savings too and wanted to be an investor. The _Aokimson_ firm was one of the advertising agencies that had grown the most in the last three years and had more than 200 associates. They had lucky but worked hard for that too.

So Louis came to the company, greeted his receptionist, and went to his office like every morning.

"Good morning, Mr. Tomlinson," said Lucy, his personal secretary.

"Good Morning, darling”

“I wanted to remind you that you have a pretty important week. Today at noon you have a conference"

"Oh, right. Who is it?" Louis asked, rubbing his eyes. He was still a little asleep.

"Corden and Associates"

"Perfect," Louis said and wrote it down on his pad. "Anything else?" He asked looking up.

“Not yet, sir. You need something? A coffee? Tea?"

"I'm okay for now. Thank you."

"Okay, with permission," said Lucy and left the office.

Louis stood up and walked around the office. It was large and covered with huge windows overlooking the big city. He had his hands in his pockets and was looking at a fixed point in the distance. He stayed there for a few minutes until he turned to see his wallet in front of his desk. He frowned and looked out at the landscape again. He sighed wearily and finally went to his desk.

He swallowed and grabbed his wallet. Inside it was that business card from Harry. It was midmorning. So he figured it wasn't a bad time to call.

There were two numbers, but of course Louis wasn't going to dare call the studio because a stranger would probably answer. He had Harry's private number, and he was going to call that one.

A sigh ... well, he can do it. This is easy. 

He picked up the phone in his office and dialed the number. He waited for three tones. His heart was pounding in his chest and he swallowed hard. Soon his call was answered.

> _Hello?_

Shit. No. Louis can't do it. He is a coward, he can't even answer a call, how could he confess his secret?

"I-I—sorry. I dialed wrong” he said and hung up.

God, he's an idiot! He's a jerk! How did he thought it would be easy to face him? How did he thought he had the courage to face him once and tell him the truth?

And what the hell was he going to tell him, anyway? He hadn't even mentally prepared a speech to protect himself from any missiles that probably will be Harry Styles' questions. He couldn't just call him almost 5 years later and say:

_”Hi Harry, I’m Louis. I'm calling you because my daughter is going to be 5 years old soon, I was wondering if you wanted to go to her party. Oh! By the way, she’s your biological daughter actually, yes. Bye”_

Holy God, he was so screwed up now. He didn't even have time to process everything in his mind as the phone now started ringing. He attended instantly, believing that it would be his secretary perhaps.

“Yes?"

> _Hi, em-I just received a call from this number_

Shit. 

> _Is it you? Please tell me that I didn’t hear wrong and I still remember the sound of your voice._

“I—I-“Louis said and cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I can’t do this”

__

> _Love_

Harry's voice was heard. _

> It's me. Please talk to me 

_

“Wrong number," Louis said and hung up. His hands trembled, his entire body was shaking.

He leaned his head against the desk and sighed deeply, feeling the tears form in his eyes. He shouldn't have done that, he shouldn't have called. Shit, shit. That shouldn't happen.

The phone rang again and he really wasn't ready to speak to Harry. No, he didn't want to hear his voice again, he didn't want to see him, he didn't want to hear from him. Shit, shit, shit.

Louis stood up immediately and disconnected the phone cord. He went back to his desk, took Harry's card, and tore it into thousands of pieces.

He give a shit everything. He give a shit about him. He will not call him again. He’s not going to keep his promise, and Harry will never know the truth.


	12. Don't call me baby again, it's hard for me to go home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ‘Cause I miss the shape of your lips

_Harry hadn't meant to cheat on Louis, he really hadn't. He'd only went to a party and get drunk and did something stupid._

_He stood under the water, the temperature turned up higher than he'd normally have it almost like he thought he could wash it all away._

_"You're shit." He hissed to himself as he scrubbed his body, Louis’ cheerful face filling his mind. Trusting, cheerful Louis Tomlinson who would believe any lie he tried to spin. It made him feel sick._

_Later that night Louis was throwing his arms around him and kissing him deeply. No-one kissed quite like Louis, it was like he could put all his emotions into that single act all while being completely unaware of the effects he was having on you. It was enough to leave you breathless, every-single-time._

_Harry tried to tell him, tried to take a step back and admit everything but Louis, blissfully unaware Louis, chose that moment to pull his shirt off in a fluid motion, their eyes meeting._

_"I've wanted you all day, baby. Please, we shouldn’t fight anymore”_

_And Harry’s words stuck in his throat, unable to speak as he watched Louis push his jeans and underwear down, revealing his semi erect cock._

_"What are you waiting for Louis?"  
He tried again he really did, but when your boyfriend is ready to make love to you over the bed, how are you meant to form the words "I cheated"._

_Louis prepped Harry until he was begging him to take him, whining and writhing on the sheets and although he'd never admit it, Harry almost felt sick at the feeling of Louis pushing inside him, knowing what he'd done a few hours before._

_Harry whispered his apologies, tears falling down his face as he kissed the sleeping Louis’ head. "I never meant to, love." He stroked his hair, which was stupidly soft as always, "I really do love you, Lou. I really fucking do."_

_******_

_Harry was sitting on the couch in the living room of their(? apartment; ‘This Ain’t a Love Song’ by Bon Jovi was playing on the radio and he glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned slightly. He knew in all fairness it wasn’t really JUST his fault, things weren’t working and he made a big mistake but they were both responsible. He loved Louis as much as Louis did, and he found it hard to live without him in his life._

> _I should have seen it coming when the roses died should have seen the end of summer in your eyes. I should have listened when you said goodnight. You really meant goodbye_

_He heard the lyrics and he embraced himself because he knew what were coming next._

> _Baby, I thought you and me would stand the test of time. Like we got away with the perfect crime. But we were just a legend in my mind. I guess that I was blind_

_  
_

_He waited until heard the next before closing his eyes and leaning his head against the back of the couch, fighting the burning behind his eyes._

> _Remember those nights dancing at The Masquerade. The clowns wore smiles that wouldn't fade. You and I were the renegades, some things never change_

_  
_

_When the burning behind his eyes lessened he got up from the couch and made his way into the bedroom, in the hall he passed a mirror that hung on the wall, and looked at himself. His body was still the same, but his eyes were different, he still couldn’t place how, but they were._

> _If the love that I got for you's gone, if the river I cried ain't that long. Then I'm wrong, yeah I'm wrong, this ain't a love song_

_  
_

_Making his way into the bedroom he allowed his eyes to roam about the room, taking in everything in sight, he let his gaze rest on a picture sitting innocently on the nightstand. He walked over to the picture and picked it up, and saw himself and Louis. Louis was sitting on a chair in the kitchen and he was behind him, his arms wrapped around Louis’ neck. Harry took it all in the look of happiness on his face and the look of peace fully on Louis’ eyes, and he started to feel something he’d never felt before, when he’d looked at this picture, anger._

> _If the pain that I'm feeling so strong is the reason that I'm holding on. Then I'm wrong, yeah, I'm wrong, this ain't a love song_

_  
_

_Though he tried to rein it in at first, Harry knew he wouldn’t be able to hold it for long so with a scream of pure rage, he hurled the picture across the room and watched with pleasure as it slammed into the wall breaking the frame and the glass inside. Unable to help himself he then went on a spree around the apartment picking up things and throwing them this way and that, and in an hour his anger was gone and he stood breathing hard, shudders shaking his frame and looking at the destruction around him, and then he gave into something he hadn’t given into in a long time, he cried._

> _I cried and I cried, there were nights that I died for you, baby. I tried and I tried to deny that your love drove me crazy, baby_

_  
_

_He cried like a baby curling up in the floor because he knew right there that everything’s it was over. There’s is no more LouisandHarry, no more LoveandBaby, no more nothing._

_Running into the bedroom he threw open the closet, grabbed a bag and started to jab his clothes into it, he knew Louis will never coming back for him and he wanted to leave too. He refused to stay another minute, he refused to stay and wait for a man, who obviously wasn’t worth waiting for, a man who didn’t think he was worth staying for._

*****

That morning after seeing Lottie, Harry returned home, and lay down on the carpet in front of the fireplace. Glass after glass of wine, until he finish the last bottle of his most expensive one. He felt the anguish of years ago again when he returned to the apartment he shared with Louis. He relived happy anecdotes in his mind.

The first time Louis told him he loved him, the words low, quiet, rumbled out of his chest. They were making love and Harry almost thought he was hearing things. But when he tilted his head up and looked into the mans piercing blue eyes, he knew, _knew_ , that he heard him right. And he wanted to say them back, wanted to say something. Louis’ legs were tangled in his, they were both sprawled in the sheets, sweaty and panting from release. It was Bittersweet. He had to turn his head away, half expecting the arms to go slack, the legs to push away, he was preparing himself for the cold, both physically and mentally. But the arms stayed, the legs, the chest, the warm breath on the back of his neck, lips pressing into the cress above his spine, he could almost feel the smile. That was enough to almost make the words come out, and it surprised him.

But that was always his relationship with Louis. From the first touch, first date, to the first kiss, first time, first everything they shared together. And Louis never ceased to surprise him. Everything was so different with him from Harry normal life. With Louis, life was gentle, brighter, less confusing. It was like he suddenly understood everything. When that stupid guy with blue eyes had quite literally tripped into his life, the crazy fool stumbled not only into him, but into his heart, whether he wanted to admit it or not. And believe everyone when he said he didn't want to admit it. He was trapped, forever, he knew that. 

He also remembered the day they decided to moving together.

__

_"Love, you seen my black shirt?" Harry called down the stairs, it was Saturday and usually he would revel in spending the weekends at his apartment. “Not the regular t-shirt one, but the nice button down one. I wore it on our date two weeks ago?" he went into his room, going through his laundry basket. Him and Louis had enough of each others things at each others houses that really they should just buckle down and move in together. Well, Harry, should buckle down and ask, because he knows Louis is waiting for him to be ready and he was so thankful he wasn't pushing._

_The ball was in his court after Louis had told him he loved him and wanted to spend his life with him. He almost proposed with a ring and everything,—but that’s another story.—_

_The laundry basket was full, when was the last time Louis had done laundry? They had both been busy, it was finals week in school and Louis always had long hours on the office and besides that, he had to pick up extra shifts._

_So thats how he found himself in the laundry room, shoving abundant amount of clothes into the washer, pouring more soup than necessary and hopefully putting it on the right setting. He knew shit about washing machines, and all machines are different, and Louis was carefree and clunky and that should mean it would be easier to figure out but for some reason..._

_"Hey baby," he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, a chin press into his shoulder._

_He could hear Louis smiling._

_"Are you doing laundry?" His voice sounded almost appalled._

_Harry dropped the lid and turned around, dropping a kiss to other mans lips, he was turning into a hopeless romantic. "Yes I am, why is that so hard to believe?"_

_He laughed, "Well actually, yeah, Harry you never do laundry. I have my suspicions you didn't even do it before I met you, you have butlers and maids in your parents' house”_

_Harry gasped, hitting the man on the arm, “Well, it’s just laundry, it’s not that hard, thank you so much” Harry bent down, forehead pressed into the others neck, laughing his ass off. “You are underestimating me”_

_"Mhm." Louis' hand came up and cradled his neck, "Harry Styles, you are amazing and I love you”_

_"Oh and I can do my own fucking laundry William!" he pulled back and walked away, failing miserably at attempting to be mad when all he could hear was Louis' infectious laughter trailing after him._

_He brought the basket upstairs, setting it inside the room, pushing it towards the closet but making no farther move to put the clothes away. He cleaned them, the folding could wait. Louis was in the shower, leaving Harry with some time to think._

_He was spending the weekend at Louis' this time, but all the moving around was getting really unconventional. He didn't know what was where anymore. Louis’ house, well apartment more like it, was halfway across town. It was shitty but his boyfriend was a proud fucker when he first got it, and that was probably why he had held onto it for so long. It was his own, his first achievement that had been his very own. At the time of the rent, he hadn't payed to much attention to the leaks, the bugs, even the slight musty smell that never seemed to go away. The whole place had a dreary outlook to it, which he figured would go away after time, furniture, and some good old fashioned pictures. And for a while, it worked, but then Harry had come into his life, and suddenly dreary become downright depressing without the other man, thats why most of the time they would spend at Harry’s place. A big house much closer to Louis’ job and Harry’s school, and much brighter. Somehow though, their things had equally become meddled into each others places, half the time Harry couldn't even remember what was his or Louis' anymore. And he really didn't have a problem with that._

_And so when Louis walked into the room, ruffling wet hair, water droplets flying all over the place, sweat pants that Harry was pretty sure were his, hanging onto his hips, Harry opened his mouth, because Louis loved him and he, he..._

_"Lou, can I, informally, move in with you?" He was sprawled in bed, stairing up at the ceiling. He didn't catch Louis’ look, but he could visibly see the man stop in the middle of the hard wood floor. "I mean," he hastily continued, "I’m not trying to like, burst in uninvited, but I figured we could rent a bigger place than these one and I’m pretty sure my parents would give me some money. I know any other place would more expensive so of course I would help with the bills," Louis still wasn't saying anything and he was getting nervous, hands fidgeting, still refusing to look up. "I mean if you don't want to, thats fine, like Im not trying to be-" he couldn't even finish the sentence before a body landed on top of him,_

_(and by god he didn't let out a girlish scream, not matter what people say, he did not scream like a girl not now, not ever.)_

_-wet hair in his face, and suddenly his mouth was preoccupied with more important things, lips sucking the life out of him, suddenly moving down his jaw, to his neck, and he could finally find his voice, "So is it safe to take this as a yes?"_

_Louis pulled back, straddling hips, hands laced together over Harry’s head. "You, benevolent, compassionate, wonderful, magnanimous, boy-man." he separated each word with a kiss. "I love you so much, and I don't know what you're doing Harry, but you didn’t have to ask me that because you know the answer. Is a totally and big fuck YES,"_

_The nineteen boy underneath him opened his mouth to talk, but Louis kissed him again._

_"I would love it so much if you moved in with me, we could choose the place together, baby” he faltered, closing his eyes and resting his head into Harry’s neck._

_They stayed like that for a while, neither saying anything. The position hurt his arms after a while so he let go and moved to one hand around his shoulders, another going through his hair._

_"You really love me, Louis?” his voice was low, calm, not betraying anything._

_Louis shifted, rolling off of Harry, taking away the hand from his hair and pinning the other one under his shoulders. He shifted until they were both comfortable, both looking up at the ceiling._

_“I love you more than anything, Harry”_

_And he was so glad he was looking at him when he said that because the look in Louis’ eyes was beyond anything he could have hoped for._

_"I’m scared, Lou” he cupped the mans face, leaning in to nuzzle his mouth, breathing in along his jawline._

_"Scared of what Harry, you know I would never hurt you, I would try my best to-"_

_"I know love, I know." he pulled back and kissed him, running his spare hand through his hair, "It’s just... I love you so much and we are perfect to each other and I’m scared about to been dreaming this”_

_"Baby, I don’t know if we are perfect or not but, what I’m really sure about is that I love you and I would do anything on my reach to make you happy- makes us happy. We are a team, I do not work without you, okay?”_

_"Yeah but that doesn't mean it wont always nag me, and you, I've been trying so hard and its working because I would give up everything for you. And thats just it. I was afraid once I told you I loved you, I wouldn't have anything else to give you. Louis, I loved you since that first kiss. I loved you because you weren't afraid to said that words to me when we were making love. I love you, so, so much that my heart hurts sometimes” he attacked his face with kisses, slotting their bodies together, almost like that previous morning._

_And suddenly he wasn't afraid anymore because Louis loved him and he, he loved Louis with his life._

And Harry must have known, he should have known that he was privileged because Louis loved him, he should have valued all that love and not throw it away with stupid ideas about freedom, youth and partying every night. Louis is probably married now, happily with a beautiful wife and, perhaps, a son. And he is here, alone, with an empty wine bottle.

Maybe it was what he deserved after all. 

*****

Monday was due to be at work in the morning. He was late, as always. The studio was full of assistants, coming and going preparing the new sessions with some models and a couple about to get married who wanted to be photographed, since the woman was pregnant and they wanted a memory before giving birth.

His assistant announced that he had not received any calls, since it was the first thing he asked as soon as he arrived. He had given Lottie his card and it would be a matter of waiting for an email or a call from Louis.

He walked to his office and leaned back in his chair, turning on the computer to start the daily editions, but soon his mobile phone rang.

He frowned, since he didn't know the number.

"Hello?"

There was a silence of at least three seconds before hearing that voice on the other end of the line. 

> _I-I—sorry. I dialed wrong_

Harry pushed the phone away from his ear, looking at the number again, in case he could recognise it, but had no idea who it might be. I mean, the voice was familiar to him but he did not want to assure that it was who he believed. He must not feed his hope that it was indeed Louis who was calling him.

Just in case, he needed to make sure, so he called back.  
__

> _Yes?_

"Hi, em-I just received a call from this number" 

There’s was a eternal silence. But Harry heard him breathing.

”Is it you? Please tell me that I didn’t hear wrong and I still remember the sound of your voice."

__

> _I—I-_

He heard him clear his throat. _

> I'm sorry. I can’t do this 

_

”Love" Harry said. Louis could picture him smiling. ”It's me. Please talk to me” 

And then he just. 

> _Wrong number_

and hung up.

And there it was, Harry knew right there. It was him, it was Louis.

He smiled broadly and dialled again, but as he waited for the tone, his smile faded. He tried to call again and again and again but the number didn’t answer and the voice of the operator announced that the line was called suspended for the moment.

Harry was not going to give up, of course not. He tracked the number on the internet and perfect, there it was:

_Aokimson Advertising Company_

_Directed by Steven Hiroyuki Aoki and William L. Poulston_

And Harry laughed because... okay. He never searched Louis by his middle name. Louis hated being called William, and now he used ‘William’ as pseudonym at the company of which he is vice president? Why would he use the name he hated for his business records? He also noticed that Louis was using Jay's last name.

Harry wrote down all the contact phone numbers and even the company address. If Louis didn't answer the phone, that's fine, but he won't rest until he talks to him.


	13. My heart's already breaking, baby, go on and twist the knife

_Louis had been looking at the white ceiling for about 30 minutes. Friday night, he was reclining in his chair, as his neck was bowed back and his head was supported by the material that covered the chair. There were 3 more hours left of the night shift that day and he could finally go home and sleep next to his boyfriend._

_He was working in a finance company, in the programming area, that's why he had been doing training classes to perfect himself in the handling of the website and so on. Sometimes he had night shifts like that time, which kept him in the office all night. He loved his job but he really wanted to be home right now. The truth was, someone was waiting impatiently for him at home, someone he haven't seen since morning, a special boy, from a completely different world from his._

_He had a rather unique relationship with Harry. That boy who stumbled randomly into his arms and into his heart. Even though he was 6 years younger, his boyfriend taught him so many things that he could write a book. He loved listening to him and seeing his eyes shine as he confessed how much he loved him._

_He was working on his laptop at his desk and, after finishing the final task, he looked at the clock indicating the end of his shift. He closed his laptop, gathered up his belongings and got up to leave._

_Their pace grew faster when he reached their flat, the new apartment they chose together to start the rest of their lives. Harry always stayed up late to wait for him, except on days when he was very tired. He also started making new friends at university and that's why there were nights he went out with them. Louis didn't mind at all that he did._

_He reached the door of his apartment and quickly took out the keys to unlock it. He rushed inside, kicked off his shoes, and headed straight for the living room. There he was greeted by a tall boy lying on his stomach on his soft carpet. His curly hair covered his face as he slept. His back was moving up and down and soft snores came from his open mouth._

_Louis’ face softened at the sight of him, and after slowly placing his backpack in his room, he returned to the living room with a blanket. Slowly he covered him with it and prayed that he wouldn't wake up. His body moved slightly but only to adjust positions, he was still fast asleep._

_Louis looked at him and smiled. He remembered the afternoon he had confronted Harry's parents, formally asking them for permission to take him from their home. He assured Anne and Des that his intentions with his son were sincere and true, even promising that he would marry him when the time was right._

_He looked lovingly at Harry as he remembered all of his clumsy ways he used to win his heart, not knowing that he already had it from day one._

_He began gently stroking his hair, a habit that calmed him strangely. He sighed softly before deciding to get up and let him continue his dream. He raised the blanket slightly so that he could cover it evenly and headed to the kitchen to start preparing something to eat. Harry knew that he would be late and that was why he left half the food ready for him to just heat up._

_He was too focused on preparing the food that he didn't hear Harry's footsteps heading towards the kitchen. His boyfriend wrapped him in a hug from behind. His arms secured his waist and his chin rested gently on his shoulder as his curly locks fell over his shoulder. Louis placed his utensils and turned to kiss him. Harry gladly accepted it as his body pressed his against the kitchen counter. His arms were hugging him lovingly as his cupped his face deepening the kiss._

_"Welcome home," Harry said after pulling away from the kiss._

_He pressed his forehead against his and they looked directly into each other's eyes with a loving gaze, completely different from the usual one._

_“I missed you, baby." Louis sighed as he threw him back in a kiss, not wanting to leave his lips._

_"I missed you too, love." Harry replied between kisses. He was smiling as Louis anxiously pressed his lips several times to his, their weight still lingering as they broke the kiss._

_Harry stroked his face with his big hand and looked at him with a warm gaze. Louis cursed him internally for making his heart beat so fast it could come out of his body. His face flushed red._

_Harry smiled and kissed his lips again. He sighed hugging him again. His fingers brushed his back in circles as his face was buried in his hair._

_“I love you," Harry whispered against his skin as he placed soft kisses on the exposed skin of his shoulder and neck._

_“I love you more," Louis whispered sheepishly, not sure if Harry really understood him, but his feelings were properly poured into each word. "I want to feel you"_

_Harry stopped and looked at him with wide eyes before smiling and kissing him again on the lips. He had confessed that he would like to be able to reverse roles in bed and Louis always changed the subject, not sure if he wanted to, honestly. But perhaps this was the perfect time to give in._

_They both forgot about dinner, food or anything related to the real world. They just wanted to be in each other's arms without any care. The perfect way to start a weekend._

******

Louis must have known it wasn't a good idea. He must have thought it two or three times before just dialing his number and calling him. What the hell was he thinking?

Tears rushed into his eyes and he found himself trembling again, wishing he could go back in time and not have called him.

But it was too late, the damage was done and he only hoped that Harry would not communicate again or seek a way to find him.

His secretary knocked on the door a few minutes later.

"Sir, I have been calling you and I was unable to communicate. Is the phone disconnected?” Lucy said as soon as she entered the office. She noticed that her boss was wiping tears from his eyes, trying to look busy. “Sorry, do you feel good sir? Shall I bring you water?”

“Yes yes, I'm fine," Louis said and stood up, awkwardly arranging his papers on the desk. “Is it time for the conference? Steve is already here?”

Lucy nodded. "Mr. Aoki is here, he is waiting for you in the conference room"

“Good," Louis said and walked around the desk, heading for the door, as he wrote two messages.

_Lott, can you find Haylie at school? I need to do something before I go home._

_Liam, can I see you this afternoon?_

****

Liam opened the door to his apartment upon hearing the first ring. Louis was behind the door, waiting for him. It was the first time he had come to his house and alone.

They greeted each other with a soft kiss on the lips, as if everything was perfect but Liam knew that something was not right. Louis's blue gaze was very evident even if he wanted to hide it. Liam knew him a few months ago, but knows him well enough now to know something was up. Louis needed to see him for something special.

Liam accompanied him to the living room and immediately offered him a tea. Louis happily accepted even though his worried face was there.

Once the tea was ready, Liam set the cups down on the coffee table. He knew Louis wanted to talk and he was afraid he was going to tell him that he didn't want to see him again or something, so the worst was simply expected.

“Tell me, Louis, what's wrong?" Liam said, reaching out a hand to rest it on Louis's knee. They were sitting face to face on two individual sofas.

Louis sighed. The truth was, he hadn't had any friends since he was dating Harry. He had drifted away from friends he had because they were also friends with Danielle and when he broke up with her, he broke contact with everyone else in the friendly circle. So basically Harry was his only friend for 5 years. He considered Lottie his best friend because she was his only sister but besides her, there is no one else. Steve was a good partner but they never had conversations as personal as the one he wants to have with Liam now.

Louis really needs a friend now.

“Haylie is not my daughter, you know?" Louis said it and felt a weight drop from his shoulders. 

Liam swallowed hard. He had overheard some of the conversation with Lottie that Sunday morning but never mentioned anything, he didn't want to be intrusive.

“Okay, she’s adopted and she doesn't know yet?" Liam asked carefully.

"Technically not," Louis said and massaged his neck, visibly uncomfortable as if trying to find the perfect words to explain it. "I mean, it's a long story."

Liam noticed his trembling legs, he encouraged him to go on and take his time. "It's okay, Lou. You can start at the beginning, I have all the time in the world to listen to you. You can trust me. I'm your friend"

Louis looked him in the eye, noticed the sparkle in Liam's gaze. He was sincere, Louis could blindly trust him.

"I ..." He started and took a drink of tea. “I had a boyfriend ... I met him almost 10 years ago. Harry was his name, he...” Louis sighed. "He was so, so beautiful, he was everything to me — um, sorry," he said when he looked up and saw Liam staring at the ground.

Liam smiled and denied. “Say it freely. Don't deprive yourself of saying what you feel, or how it gets out of there,” he said, touching his chest. "Just let it go..."

Louis nodded and took another gulp of tea. He waited a few moments to continue talking.

"He was younger. He was 17 years old when I met him. I had a girlfriend at the time and he — he just got into my life and turned it around. I fell madly in love with him, too quickly”

“Okay...” Liam nodded. “Young love is a crazy thing huh?” He said smiling.

Louis smiled. “We sneaked out for a few months until I left my girlfriend and we soon started a relationship. He was finishing school and I was working, I didn't go to university, it was impossible for me at the time.”

Louis stopped to take another sip and the last of the tea. "Everything was legal, I spoke to his parents and they gave me his blessing to be with him and so we stayed almost three years until we decided to live together."

“Wow, it was serious then. Did you live together a long time?” Liam asked and drank his tea.

"Two years and something. I started working much more to be able to pay the bills because I also paid for his studies... God knows how much we love each other, I literally gave my life for him.” His voice cracked a little when he said that and he laughed. "I was so stupidly in love with him that I even proposed to him one day, you know?"

“You were engaged then?" Liam asked amazed. “How romantic"

Louis laughed and denied. “He said no"

"Oh ... so is that why you two broke up?"

“No, actually I have the gold ring that my grandfather gave me for ‘My future wife’. I was drunk and knelt in front of him on his 20th birthday and said,-Listen to this, because Shakespeare is going to be jealous," he said and laughed. "I was on my knees and I said to him ‘Harry Styles, dicks never caught my attention but I must admit that I am in love with yours and I want to suck it for the rest of my life’ would you marry me?’”

“Oh my god" Liam said and laughed. "How drunk were you?"

“Let’s say a bit too much” Louis said and laughed. “It was a family party and even his parents were present. It was embarrassing. I took out my ring and showed it to him and he laughed and said no, ‘for now’ but he loved me anyway”

"I wish I had been there. It would have been fun to see you” Liam laughed.

Louis laughed too. “Yes, it was embarrassing but it was also a fun anecdote. I was going to propose to him for real but I was cowed at the last moment because I knew he was going to say no to me, so I get drunk and I did it. He thought it was a joke”

"Why you said he would have said no to you? Didn’t he loved you too?”

"Because I was very intense I think. It overwhelms him, I suppose. I knew he was going to get tired of me someday,” Louis said, and all traces of amusement faded from his face. “He started to party every night and I was very jealous. I screwed it up, he stopped loving me over time“

"Louis, I think the relationships are between two people. If things weren't working or whatever, it's responsibility of both of you, not just yours”

“He cheated on me” Louis said and felt his chest clench.

"Oh ... that's ... I don't know, it explains everything, I guess."

Louis linked the fingers of his hands and massaged his forehead. "I still remember the guy's face, the messages he sent with him were my nightmare for several weeks but I ignored it because we were constantly arguing and I wanted to convince myself that it was just a one time thing, that it was nothing but I couldn't and I— ” His voice began to break again, but the lump in his throat was hard to swallow now, he was about to cry. "I was afraid of losing him and so, I proposed the idea of being parents, to connect as a couple or some shit like that and he agreed and—"

Louis had to stop to be able to breathe properly. Liam got up from his sofa and sat down on the armrest of Louis's seat and started stroking his back.

“I loved him so much, so much, Liam, I swear" he said and wiped away his tears "So we went to a clinic, we chose a woman and we did what we had to do. A short time later we were told that the studies went wrong and she wasn’t pregnant. We were still having problems as a couple and he left, he left me.”

He sighed deeply, Liam still stroking his back as he listened to him like no one never before.

“A few months later they called me from the clinic saying that they had made a mistake and the woman was pregnant. I thought she was having my baby because I returned to give some tests. I wanted to be a father with him or without him but they examined me and it turned out that I was infertile. Therefore, she was pregnant with Harry’s baby”

"Oh no ..." Liam said and walked away from Louis.

"Haylie is Harry's daughter" Louis confessed and snorted heavily, he was venting. "He doesn't know about her, obviously. I came to live in London and cut all kinds of contact with him and the people we both knew.”

"Louis that's ..." Liam said and stood up, walking around him.

"I'm a shit person, I know"

“No, I mean ... why didn't you tell him the moment you found out?"

"He broke up with me because he didn’t loved me anymore and he didn't want to be a father, Liam. I was 28, I was sure I wanted to have a son and he wasn’t ready for that responsibility. He was barely 22 years old and he liked going out to have fun at night, he liked his life, and a baby changes everything. I — I couldn't, I couldn't“

"I get it, I - I really don't know what to say. What happened now that you are concerned about this situation? I mean, I did hear a little bit of the conversation with your sister but not everything,” Liam asked carefully, sitting back down in front of him.

“Lottie saw him. He—he wants to see me or something. He gave her his contact card to give it to me,” Louis said and sighed, massaging his temples.

Liam nodded thoughtfully. "And you think he knows the truth?"

"Maybe. I don't know, What else could he want from me now?“

"Perhaps see you, know how you are, maybe ..."

"He gave a shit about me 5 years ago, what could he want now? God, I can't believe this is happening”

”Louis, calm down." Liam wanted to get up and hug him, but Louis stood before him.

"I can't be calm. What will happen if he discovers the truth? I am afraid, he‘s going to hate me and he’s going to do everything possible to have her custody or some of that shit, I don't know. I am terrified he took her away from me. I don't want to see him, I don't want to know about him anymore”

"Well, Lou. Then don't contact him. That's the only way he can't know about you,” Liam said and watched as Louis stopped, staring at him. "You called him?"

"I panicked when I heard his damn deep voice and hung up the call, but he still recognized my voice," Louis said and tugged on his hair, he wanted to cry in frustration. "I promised my mother that I was going to look for Harry and tell him the truth but I can't, I can't do it. He’s going to hate me” he said and felt new tears form in his eyes. “I don't want him to hate me, Liam. I- Haylie is my daughter”

“You still love him, don't you?" Liam asked, his voice not even trembling when he said it, he took it for granted. “That's why you don't want him to know about her, you don't want him to hate you. You still love Harry.”

Louis swallowed and shook his head, looking at the ground. “I see Harry every day of my life when I look into my daughter's eyes. She means everything to me."

“That doesn't answer my question, Lou," Liam said and laughed, coming up to him, hugging him, bringing his face to his chest, stroking Louis' messy hair. "Don't be afraid to say it, you can say it out loud, I will never judge you"

“No, I don't love him anymore." Louis lied and closed his eyes. "I stopped loving him long ago"

****

It was Friday, finally. Louis had a date tonight with Liam. They had agreed that they would see each other again soon, since Louis couldn't stay long on Monday afternoon. Lottie was available to take care of her niece, and she was happy to do so.

It was almost 11 in the morning. Louis was in the office hoping it was time for a conference with new partners when the phone on his desk rang again.

"Lucy?" He answered the call, while looking closely at his laptop screen.

_"Sir, there is a man here in reception saying he wants to see you"_

"A man? Did we have an appointment?” Louis checked his schedule, verifying that he has forgotten about this particular client.

_"No, he says he's an old friend, and he's sure he doesn't need an appointment to see you"_

Louis frowned, his heart pounding deep in his chest. “A friend? What’s his name?" he asked and swallowed hard.

He already expected it.

_"Harry Styles"_

Louis swallowed and sighed. He untied the knot in his tie because he suddenly felt suffocated.

_"Sir, shall I send him in?"_

Louis looked at the photograph of Haylie on his desk and snorted. "Yes," he said and took the photograph of his daughter, kissed the glass on that painting and put it in one of the drawers. 

Harry cannot know of her existence. Not now, not ever.


	14. I know you're saying you don't want to hurt me And maybe you should show a little mercy

The idea of seeing Harry again after five years makes Louis’ hands tremble and his palms sweat. He doesn't know why he's so nervous, he's well over their relationship, he shouldn't feel so eager to see Harry again, to pat his shoulder or shake his hand, hopefully get a brief hug— it's a dangerous road Louis is not willing to go back to after all the pain he went through.

He has no idea how he would react, and he apparently isn’t ready to see Harry again yet, if the way his body is acting is any indication.

But here it is.

He walks around the desk and leans on it, waiting. He takes a deep breath, adjusts his tie when he hears a knock in the door.

“Please, come in” Louis said.

And Harry is standing there, just mere inches away from him after five years.

Louis stays there frozen on the spot, feeling his heart hammering inside his chest wildly, feeling his temples throb as he stares, with his jaw hanging open and his eyes fixed on Harry’s— who’s staring right back at him with an expression on his face as stunned as the one Louis must be wearing.

Harry looks... He looks just the same, but yet— he looks so _different_ from the last time Louis saw him, it strikes him. The boyish face is gone, replaced with stronger and more defined features that make him seem much older, but still with the same curly, but now short hair, the same green eyes, the same dimples out there, and the same fleshy mouth that he had tasted so many times and— _Oh God._

But it’s not only that. Harry looks really stunning. Louis can see his shoulders are more squared, bigger, as well as his arms, that have definitely grown broader with the years, even though the hand resting over the door and his wrist look as thin and delicate as Louis remembers. He’s as gorgeous as always, even impossibly more attractive now and— Louis shouldn’t be thinking about _that._

He tries to tear his eyes away but they are glued to the man in front him, glued to Harry as if they don’t want to look at anything other than him. 

Harry can’t believe they are both here, that Louis is just so near with every step he takes and he could reach out his hand and touch him, that he could pretend to lose his balance and stumble forward into him, brush against him to convince himself that this moment is real, that Louis is real.

Louis feels trapped somehow, though, like all the air has been knocked out of him, because after he’s been avoiding Harry for so long _this is it,_ this is the moment. There’s no escape from it now, but Louis realises he doesn’t want to run away anymore because it’s truly good to see Harry after all these years, after nothing but a few mentions of his name here and there or a few forbidden memories Louis has always shoved away.

This is the moment in which they has to man up and confront the situation as it is.

“It's been so long, Lou," Harry says as he approaches him, arms outstretched in a hug. 

Louis sighs, closes his eyes briefly when he hears his name coming out of Harry’s lips. He drowns in the unique way it sounds in Harry’s voice just for an instant, always has, even if it’s this side of strained now and not exactly like Louis’ remembers it. But Louis knows how Harry can make his name sound like a million of different words, breathed in a whisper, in a moan, or in a cry, as he laughs full of joy.

“How much? Almost 5 years?”

Louis knows how much time has passed, he doesn't need any reminder. It's like he has a fucking calendar inside of his head, and he doesn’t even mean to count the time, but he knows exactly how much time has passed.

“Yeah, I think so” he said, and clear his throat. 

"I have missed you so much. How have you been?" Harry asks still in a happy tone.

Louis frowned and placed both hands in the pockets of his pants. No matter how time has passed since their breakup, it doesn't mean it didn't hurt. And the fact that it wasn’t agreed from both sides only made it worse. He could have handled a broken heart as long as he didn’t have to see Harry again, but knowing he still loved Harry when they split, made it only more difficult to get over it.

He spent a whole year totally lost, moping —Lottie’s words, not his— and trying to find himself and get his life back. His heart was broken into pieces and Louis didn't know how he would be able to gather and put back together. It was hard for a while, he had never loved anyone the way he learnt to love Harry, and Harry had been so present in Louis’ life during almost five years because of Haylie— like a constant or the need for air, he had turned into his lifeline— that Harry had been somehow _engraved_ in Louis’ heart.

Now, Harry can’t help but regret that break-up every day since, because as soon as he wakes up and pats the empty bed at his side, he realises all the mistakes he made and where he is right now; alone and declining the idea of commitment with someone again.

But five years is a long time, and feelings pass and change, memories fade to the back of your mind, and everything that troubles you for a while goes away, the pain gets easier to deal with and you get used to it, eventually, until it’s gone or simply becomes part of who you are.

So, Louis sighs again but it feels like it’s time. Harry’s right, it’s been five years. It took time to heal —but he had to. He has healed now.

Louis breaks the hug (which he never actually returned, he only accepted Harry's arms around him without walking away, he didn't want to be rude)

"What are you doing here, Harry?" He ask, his face is serious. “I mean, what do you want?” 

"I just ... miss you," Harry confessed. He was inches from Louis's face. His gaze wandered from his eyes to his mouth. “I've missed you so much," he said, getting closer to him.

Louis stood still in his place, always looking him in the eye. The truth is, he didn't want to look at his mouth because he knew Harry wanted to kiss him, he knew it, he _felt it._

He did nothing to stop him. Their faces were so, so close now that he could even feel the heat of Harry’s breathing.

But then there was a knock on the door. Someone saved him. _Thanks, Lucy._

"Sir? They are waiting for you in the conference room.”

Louis got up from the desk, adjusting his suit jacket and walking around the desk again. Harry stayed in place, looking knocked out, out of breath. He really was about to kiss him.

“Sorry, Harry," Louis said seriously and lowered the screen of his laptop, fitting some pens in his pencil. “It's a very busy Friday, I'm sorry I can't continue this talk," he said, but he didn't really plan to see him again.

“I understand," Harry said. But he was there for something and he know, deep down he feels it. Louis still loves him, _still loves him_.

He wasn't going to give up, he wasn't going to drop his arms now that he found him.

“Can we talk when you get out of here? Have lunch together or have dinner?” he proposed hopefully, following in Louis' footsteps through the office. “Louis”

“I can't, Harry. I have a very busy day, I don't know. Maybe I'll call you one of these days, I'm sorry, but I have to go now,” he said and opened the door of his office, inviting him out. "It was a pleasure to see you. Do you know the way out?”

Harry nodded. Louis was playing hard at it, he knew how to handle Louis like this. He is going to play along.

He reached out and placed a kiss on his cheek, very close to the corner of his lips. "See you later at my house, then," he said, because he knew for sure. 

Harry knew Louis too well to know they were going to see each other again. This cold encounter was not what he had planned in his mind and deep down he knew that Louis also wanted to kiss him, he wanted to go further. The tension was in the air and it wasn't going to stay that way.

Louis didn't even have time to decline the invitation because Harry had already walked down the hall toward the exit.

****

Louis stood at Harry's door, his feet firmly planted on the ground. He had to calm his nerves and promised himself that he wouldn’t enter his apartment because once he crossed that threshold, he knew for a fact that he could not control himself.

Harry had asked Lucy for Louis's phone number, obviously lying to her that it was an order from his boss. Sweet and innocent Lucy, who fell under the charms of a man like Harry Styles and did not hesitate since he was supposedly a good old friend of her boss. 

So Louis was surprised when he received a message from an unknown number with an address. He didn't say the name but Louis knew it was Harry.

So there he was. He knew he had the day off because his sister would take care of Haylie, because later he had a date with Liam. Shit, Liam. _Shit_

Harry goes to open the door, and when he finds Louis at the other side, he’s barely successful at hiding his happiness. Louis didn’t reply his message but he’s here anyway.

“Can I come in?” Louis asks quietly. His voice sounds serious and Harry can’t help but notice that his face doesn’t show any hint of a smile.

Harry swallows, nods, and moves aside to let him in.

They walk silently into the living room and then stand there awkwardly, unmoving. Normally Harry would motion for Louis to sit or he would do it without Harry having to tell him to, but today, Louis seems like he doesn’t want to make himself comfortable, keeping his hands buried in his pantsuit pockets, and not taking his jacket off, as if he’s planning on leaving soon.

“What do you want now, Harry?” It’s the first thing Louis’ said and Harry’s whole world trembles when those words leave Louis’ mouth.

“What?” he breathes, eyes gone wide and hands balled up at his sides defensively. 

The conversation they had in Louis's office was practically nothing. What could he want? Talk to him, see him longer, anything at this point. 

Louis’ seems to pick up on the rage bubbling in Harry’s expression and his own softens a bit. “Sorry if I was rude in the office. I didn't know what you were doing there, you caught me under guard. I don't really know what I'm doing here either” Louis continues and Harry frowns because he’s pretty sure he’s the only one who needed to do that, not Louis.

“I just wanted to apologize. For all the damage I did, for not being there for you when Jay died, I ... I'm sorry” he finally explains and Harry feels himself able to breathe properly again, feels his heartbeat slow down.

“I know what you must be thinking about us, but— That already happened. It’s a closed chapter in my story, I don’t need a farewell or a reunion” Louis looks up at him from under thick lashes, warily. "Much less now." 

“Louis” Harry sighs. “There are a lot of things that have changed through the years but...” he takes a breath and then he ducks his head down, as though he’s deciding whether to speak or not and lifts it up again to meet Louis’ gaze. “There’s— this _one_ thing that hasn’t changed for me. I know it now.”

Louis lets a moment pass because he’s falling inside. All that armor he wears to hide his true feelings feels slack, about to fall off as well. He gulps, then asks, cautious, “And what is that?”

His heart skips a beat when Harry fixes his dark green eyes on his, but when he flicks his gaze down to Louis’ lips, blinks at them and glances up again to his eyes; that’s answer enough. Louis can’t take his eyes off from Harry’s lips now.

Harry might be wrong, misunderstanding Louis’ signals, or maybe not, but Harry wants it, he needs something to happen, and that simple gesture and the fact that he’s here now seem all the indication Harry needs to move things to another level between them. Feeling his stomach tingle and his pulse race, Harry decides to risk it.

He steps forward and, slanting his mouth softly over Louis’, closes the small gap between them, coaxing Louis’ lips apart slightly. The kiss is hesitant at first, just a brush of lips. Harry waits, holds still there against Louis’ lips, until Louis responds, bringing his hand to the side of Harry’s neck and opening his mouth much wider, letting Harry in and confirming that he wants it, too.

The kiss becomes fierce within seconds, the sparks of passion they once shared flaming again surprisingly quickly. The moment is fragile and even if Harry wants to stop, just for a moment to ask if this is okay, if this is what Louis wants, too, his hands fly to Louis’ body of their own accord and he grips Louis’ side, his waist; he yanks Louis’ jacket off and drops it to the floor. He brings him closer until Louis pants and shoves Harry backwards, breaking the kiss. 

"I can’t” Louis says, his voice a little shaky. “I'm seeing someone”

But Harry smiled, slowly approaching him again. “It’s okay, love. You know I'm not jealous” he said and kissed him.

Louis falls down on the sofa, sprawled at an awkward angle, but he doesn’t mind. He shifts, and Harry straddles Louis’ lap in one swift movement, bracketing Louis thighs between his and slamming their hips together.

The feeling of it’s familiar but new at the same time. Harry’s body is the same and yet different under Louis’ palms, his weight real and solid, heavier that Louis’ memories allow him to remember. Harry’s shoulders are so much broader, his thighs stronger, and Harry’s kisses are a little bit more aggressive, though that might be just the intensity of the moment.

Harry thrusts his hips forward against Louis’, the grip of his hand on Louis’ hair tightening and his hot breath ghosting over Louis’ mouth. “Come on, Lou,” he whispers.

“Are you sure?” Louis asks before all rational thoughts drift from his mind completely.

“Yeah, this is all I want,” Harry replies, “You.”

And well, Louis doesn’t need to be told twice because this is what he wants, too, after all, and he feels like he physically needs Harry right now; they can sort the rest out later.

So Harry pushes to his feet, too, and shows Louis to his room without hesitation. Louis doesn’t waste any time in kicking his shoes off and pulling his shirt up over his head as soon as they are standing beside the bed, not taking his eyes off Harry’s.

Then he starts unbuttoning Harry’s shirt, their laboured breaths the only sounds in the room, the quiet telly Harry left on is a distant sound in the background.

Louis slides the shirt off Harry’s chest and down his shoulders slowly until it falls to the floor soundlessly. He eyes Harry’s body in the poor blue afternoon light creeping through the closed curtains, looking at him through narrowed eyes as if he’s trying to remember if it’s still the same it was, as if he’s committing it to memory as it is now. Then, Louis reaches out his hands and skates his fingers across the muscles in Harry’s chest and stomach and Harry can’t hold back the shaky breath that escapes his mouth when Louis touches his thumb over his nipple.

Louis flicks his gaze up to meet his with a smile and kisses him, taking a step closer and pressing his body flush up against Harry’s until they are joined everywhere. Louis brings his hands up to Harry’s shoulders, moving them all along the new muscles, the long expanse of his back and over the soft skin he’s missed so much but hadn’t really realised until now. Harry licks into Louis’ mouth slowly, running his tongue over the roof of Louis’ mouth and inside as he lets his hands wander over Louis’ back until they settle just above the waistband of his pants, over the dip of the small of his back.

Louis breaks the kiss to breathe and looks down between their bodies, placing his own hands over the zip of Harry’s jeans. He rubs his hand there over Harry’s crotch and Harry bites his lips to fight back the moan about to get away past his lips. It’s never been like this between them, so slow and deliberate, with both of them contemplating each other. They had laid in bed together just looking at each other or touching everywhere sluggishly and tenderly more times that Harry can remember, until Louis learnt all the freckles, dips and hollows of his body, until he knew it as well as the back of his own hand. And yet, they never did this: just standing there in the dark, touching and not seeing anything, re-learning each other’s body for the second time, without words.

It feels incredibly intimate and significant, scary after all those years, as if Louis is worshipping his body. It sends small shivers down Harry’s spine. The idea of them having this now after so much time, after Harry thought he’d never feel it again, makes his chest flood with joy because this is the thing he desires the most.

Louis’ fingers work on the button of Harry’s jeans unhurriedly until it pops free, then he shoots Harry a quick glance from under his lashes just before he slips the zip down with a stirring sound that echoes all over the room. He doesn’t push them down until he has undone his own, as if he’s trying to undress them both equally slowly, showing the same flesh with each piece of clothing he strips them of.

Harry allows Louis do whatever he wants with him, watches him work on him, paralyzed with his arms limp at his sides, enjoying even the tiniest detail. Every touch feels like too much; it tingles hot, like the way Harry’s wrist brushes against Louis’ hard cock inside his briefs or the way his bare toes touch Harry slightly. It’s small but intoxicating.

When they are standing only in their underwear, Louis presses his palm against Harry’s chest and urges him to lay down on the bed, so Louis complies. Louis crawls on top of him and kisses him open-mouthed and long, their cocks clasped together between their bellies, their legs entwined in a mess of limbs as they both grind their hips against one another with urgency but not so much as to end this too soon.

“I’ve missed this,” Louis breathes hotly against his mouth, letting out a small gasp when their cocks slid together. “Missed you.”

Harry tugs Louis’ briefs down with a hand over his arse, panting against Louis’ mouth and his words. “Me too, love” he replies, unable to resist, tightening his hold on Louis’ back for fear he’ll disappear any moment if he lets him move too far away. 

He clutches at Louis’ arse possessively for a moment, driving their hips together over and over to set a rhythm, and craning his neck to the side as Louis sucks kisses at his shoulder. He pulls Louis’ own briefs down past his hips with one clumsy hand that has Harry smiling.

Louis gets on his knees and gets rid of his briefs, yanking Harry’s off, too, and discarding the last barrier separating their skin. 

Harry’s eyes fall down to Louis’ cock and he takes a good look at it after all those years, still as large and pretty as it always was. He pushes upright into a sitting position to kiss Louis, mumbling some nonsense into his lips and gripping his tousled hair in his hand, sneaking the other between their bodies to touch Louis for the first time, eliciting an unexpected moan out of Louis’ lips as he breaks the kiss, a moan whispered against Harry’s temple.

Harry flips them around and lays Louis’ down, settles himself between Louis’ legs and looks down at him for a moment, watching Louis’ chest heave up and down and the flush spread over his cheeks and neck. He kisses it away, kisses the side of Louis’ face and behind his ear over that spot that always had Louis shuffling his feet over the mattress and breathing too hard, kisses the tendons on his neck, just right over his mad pulse point, and downwards on his collarbone. Teeth and tongue graze over the bones, trails kisses along his chest, sucking a nipple into his mouth and swirling his tongue over his navel before he looks up at him to see an open-mouthed Louis staring right back at him with hungry, glassy eyes.

Harry’s heart leaps, leaps so hard it hurts, at the sight of Louis under his hands like this, again, so affected by Louis’ caresses and touches. Harry hates that he has missed this for five years, that he lost this when it was _his_ , and now he knows he’s not willing to let it go, let Louis go.

He strokes Louis’ cock with his hand the way Louis always liked it, gives it a slow tug and then takes him into his mouth and loses himself to it, closing his eyes and savouring the feeling of Louis again, tasting still the same. Harry bobs his head slowly, hollowing his cheeks and swirling his tongue over the length teasingly, then moves away to breathe against the head and sucks it back into his mouth, swallowing and humming to let Louis know how good he feels.

Louis pants above him non-stop, raking his fingers through Harry’s head and burying them in the strands of short hair, holding and keeping him there. Harry puts all his effort into making Louis feel good, pulling out just to get some air and lick his lips, to look up at Louis and watch him breathing through his mouth with his gaze fixed on the ceiling, his eyelashes fluttering and his throat working.

Harry kisses Louis’ hip, licks at the bone there and then crawls up to kiss Louis on the mouth, asking what does he want against his lips, telling him how much he wants him, how gorgeous he is, because he can’t seem to stop and Harry needs to say it all. 

He reaches out to the nightstand and then thrusts a condom and lube against Louis’ hand but Louis only shakes his head no and shoves them back into Harry’s hands, letting his legs fall open a little.  
Harry never got to decide what he loved more: the feeling of being inside Louis or having Louis inside of him. That sheepish gesture gets straight to Harry’s heart, making it beat a little bit too hard and too quick, making his blood flow all over him and his whole body buzz with longing and craving. 

He goes slow, opens Louis’ legs wider and works on him with care and subtlety, giving as much pleasure as he can and ignoring his own throbbing cock demanding attention. He opens Louis with gentle fingers —slowly because they have all the time in the world— and searches for the place that has Louis’ back arching. Harry pumps his fingers in and out, hearing Louis pant and whisper Harry’s name over and over as if it’s the only word he can remember.

He kisses Louis’ knee when he knows he’s stretched enough and Harry can’t wait anymore, places a few pecks on the inside of his thigh, over his calf and his ankle, making Louis laugh. Harry smiles and crawls back up to kiss him on the lips once before he pulls away and lets Louis roll the condom on his cock. The touch of his fingertips on him is almost enough to make Harry come undone here and now, so much that he has to grip his cock for a moment to stop himself from coming embarrassingly soon.

Then he kneels in between Louis’ legs and guides himself slowly inside, running his free hand over Louis’ thigh and feeling him clinging at his middle and letting out a loud breath as he does so. It’s just easy from then on and Harry stays unmoving for a heartbeat, enjoying the tight heat of Louis’ body surrounding him and looking into his dark eyes. Louis lick his lips and tugs him down until Harry is covering his body completely and Louis can hook his calves over the back of Harrys’ thigh and wrap his arms around his back and his shoulders.

He drives into Louis in one smooth motion first, giving them time to adjust, until Louis demands more, bucking his own hips to make Harry slide inside of him deeper and clinging to his whole body with every limb. He places kisses here and there and brings his hands to Harry’s arse when he wants it harder, not needing to ask because Harry remembers and understands what Louis wants and when.

So Harry does, picks up a faster pace and snaps his hips into Louis’ harder, moving an arm up to rest an elbow next to Louis’ head to grasp a fistful of the sheets as he begins to thrust against him harder, leaning his forehead against Louis’ and sharing hot breaths and wild kisses that are mostly tongue and teeth, whilst Harry lets his body move of its own accord, allowing himself to get carried away and drinking in everything, every detail of the moment they are sharing.

He lowers his head to the crook of Louis’ neck, breathing him in, the scent of him— unmistakable Louis, nuzzles his nose along the line of his ear and presses his lips to the side of his jaw, biting slightly and feeling Louis’ nails digging into his shoulder blades softly and a loud gasp blow against Harry’s cheek when he hits the right spot inside him with a specially hard thrust, so hard their heads almost bang against the headboard.

It’s over soon, too soon, and Harry’s orgasm blooms into him so hard he has to squeeze his eyes shut and stifle his moans against Louis’ mouth, groaning into the kisses he gives and receives, sloppy and wet, rocking into Louis a few more times uncontrollably before stilling, dragging his hand down between their bodies to stroke Louis’ cock, and jerk him off quickly in a few strokes, painting their chests in white strips of come as Louis’ nails dig into his back again and his harsh breathing falls right against his ear.

Harry slides off Louis after a heartbeat, dropping the condom to the floor at the foot of the bed carelessly. He wipes Louis’ chest and his own with the sheets and then lies beside him, catching his breath and listening to Louis doing so himself as well as he turns his head to the side to look at Louis’ profile, his closed eyes, and the uneven raise and fall of his chest.

He swallows, and moves his hand over to Louis, catching it on his own hesitantly and lacing their fingers together mostly to convince himself that this isn’t ending here, in his own way of promising _I’m here and I want to make this work._

Harry is smiling when Louis looks back up at him and he turns his head to look at Harry through heavy eyes and from beneath a sweaty and messy dark fringe, making Harry’s heart lurch inside of his chest.

“Don’t fall asleep yet, Lou,” Harry says when he watches Louis closing his eyes.

Louis frowns a little and then cracks one eye open. “Why?” he asks hoarsely, licking his lips.

“Just—” Harry doesn’t know what to say that isn’t to going to make him look wretched and vulnerable, but doesn't want him to fall asleep because he probably would too. He is afraid of waking up again alone because Louis would regret this and leave, breaking his heart.

Louis quirks a weak eyebrow at him and then turns his whole body towards Harry so they are lying there, facing each other. Harry shifts a little, tangling their legs together under the sheets and bending their heads together so he doesn’t have to look Louis in the eye as he speaks.

“Please, don't regret this” he asks quietly, and even if his voice sound a little bit stained and pleading, Louis only blinks and shakes his head no, moving closer.

“I won’t,” Louis replies, giving him a small kiss in the corner of his mouth before he lets out a breath and closes his eyes again, his forehead almost touching Harry’s.

Harry trusts him, so he believes Louis and falls into a deep sleep immediately with no worries of being alone later, feeling fortunate that he’s finally going to wake up with the person he most wants to be with.

******

Harry heard the sound of a phone ringing in the living room. He turned around and woke Louis up.

"Love, I think it's your phone," he warned him.

Louis opened his eyes, at first trying to get used to the space that was the unknown room. He nodded and stood up, pulling his underwear and pants into the path. The phone kept ringing and he reached for his shirt and pulled it out from under the bed, forgetting that his coat was in the living room.

“Your coat was left on the couch, I think," Harry warned him, beginning to dress as well. Apparently it was night, since it is the second time they wake up. The first was to take a shower and make love again in there. Harry can still feel Louis inside him. It was tough and too good, perfect as ever.

Louis walked unsteadily around the house to find the living room, observing everything around him because he couldn't do it before. He frowns as he approaches one of the furniture where Harry have hand-painted pictures and some photos with friends that Louis recognised as Nick, Niall and Sarah. But also ...

His phone rang and he ran to pick up his coat from the ground. He swallowed before speak, he closed his eyes and sighed.

“Liam, God. I'm so sorry. Shit, sorry”

_"Is everything okay, Lou? I've been waiting for you for over an hour. I called your phone house and I couldn’t find you there. Did something bad happen?_

Louis walked through living, trying to make up a good excuse but nothing came to mind. He stopped in front of one of the countertops because there was one particular photo that caught his attention. Frowning again, believing that he had recognised _someone_ , he walked to the rest of the room looking in detail at each of the photos and just stopped in front of one of the hand-painted pictures. There was a signature there.

_I love you, Z_

His face changed from moment to moment. His anger was born from the depths and nausea invaded his body. _God,_ how could he fall so low from being dragged here by Harry? He is an idiot, he is a jerk who was carried away by passion and the desire to feel Harry again.

He has to leave immediately and never return.

“Li. Forgive me but I cannot speak right now, I must do something. I will explain everything to you, I swear it”

_"Okay, Lou. I'll wait for your call later. Goodbye"_

Louis cuts the call and puts the phone in his pants. He adjusted his shoes and shirt and was about to put on the coat to get out of there when Harry entered the living room, with his stupid, freshly fucked face and smile.

“We can go out to dinner, love. It is still early," he suggests and frowns when he sees Louis with definitely a mad face. "Whats wrong?"

“I have to go, Harry. This shouldn't have happened,” he said and started to walk towards the door, but the homeowner stood in his way.

“Wait, wait, wait, Louis. You can't go like this! You said you wouldn't regret it, you promised.”

“As you promised it had been a one-time thing!" Louis screamed and suddenly tears flooded his eyes.

Harry could feel the tears in his own eyes as well from just reliving each of the fights and screams that had made them end up separated by five years. He doesn’t want to lose Louis, not again.

“What are you talking about, Louis?" He asked, his voice trembling and tears already streaming down his cheeks.

Louis walked to one of the furniture and took one of the photographs. In it Harry was hugging someone, around other friends.

“Who is this guy?" Louis asked. His serious voice and his face radiated fury but he was actually crying because he knew who that guy was, he just wanted to hear Harry say it.

“No one," Harry whispered.

“Tell me his name, Harry," Louis demanded.

Harry swallowed and denied.

“Harry" Louis raised his voice. “This is the last time I ask you. Who is he?”

Harry nodded and burst into tears. "Zayn"

Louis nodded too as he walked over to it and left the painting in its place. He blotted away his tears and then laughed.

“I'm an idiot," he said and snorted loudly. “I am an idiot and this should not have happened. I can't see you anymore, Harry. This is it, it's over.”

“What?" Harry said and wiped away the tears. “What are you talking about, Louis? You can't go, you can't leave like this, we have to talk about us!”

“Us? There is no us, Harry. It's over!" He said and gulped. "It ended five years ago when you decided to leave me to be a free young man. It ended when you cheated on me, it ended when you didn't come back for me when you had enough time to do it. It was over when—" Louis took a breath, and snorted. “It is over now”

“You can't say that after what happened today. Didn't this mean Nothing to you?”

"It was just sex, Harry. Get over it, you're old enough now to understand it.”

Harry frowned and denied. “That’s not the Louis I fell in love with. My Louis would never said me something like that”

“I'm not that Louis anymore, Harry. You break me. You ended up with that Louis. I changed, I am not the same. Instead you remain just as selfish as ever” 

Harry closed his eyes and let the stifled tears fall. He snorted. “I love you, Louis. And I know that you love me because you made love to me a few hours ago. I know you still love me” he said and swallowed. “Tell me you love me too, Louis. I need to hear you say it, please my love.”

Louis swallowed hard and looked at the floor. He sighed and was about to say something but then his phone rang again. It was Lottie this time.

“Lotts? I can not talk right now"

_"She wants to talk to you, she says she can't sleep if you don't wish her good night"_

Louis rubs his temple and huffs. "Pass me over to her"

_Daddy, are you going to say good night to me?”_

"Hi Love. Yes, of course. Sleep well, princess. Daddy will come looking for you tomorrow, okay?”

_"Yes Daddy, I love you so so much. Good night”_

"Daddy loves you more, love. Now sleep. Good night"

Louis cut the call and looked up to meet Harry's confused gaze. He was precariously shocked.

"Do you — do you have a daughter?"

Louis cleared his throat and nodded. "Yes"

“How old is she? Are you married now?" Harry asked, his voice still trembling.

"That's none of your business, Harry," Louis said and put the phone back in his pocket, walking toward the exit.

Harry didn't stop him this time, just asked him for a favor. “Please. If you love me... If you love me, stay, Louis.”

Louis stopped at the door and squeezed his eyes shut, letting out new tears. “Did you stayed for me, Harry?"

Harry said nothing and Louis smiled sadly as he grabbed the doorknob and walked away.


	15. I'll always need ya In front of me, in front of me

> _I didn't expect to see you again, baby_
> 
> _How are you, love?_
> 
> _Time forgot to go through you; you are as pretty as ever_
> 
> _How about if you want me to tell you the truth?_
> 
> _I haven't stopped thinking about you for a second_
> 
> _My perfume is the aroma of the last kiss I gave you_
> 
> _I forgot that you wouldn’t return..._
> 
> _How long without seeing you?_
> 
> _I didn’t stop loving you_
> 
> _Living with your memory wasn’t enough_
> 
> _Seeing you again hurts until my soul burns_
> 
> _You don't know how much I’ve been missing you_
> 
> _If time takes me away again_
> 
> _You’re still the first thought I wake up to_
> 
> _A tear of my soul is still alive in you_
> 
> _And what else? Would I be lying if I said that everything is going well?_
> 
> _That I haven't thought about you in a long time, that I've forgotten you,_
> 
> _That someone else knew how to give me what you gave me before_
> 
> _I’ll be lying if I say that I no longer love you...  
>  _

He knew it.

Louis knew it wasn't a good idea, he knew perfectly well that going to see Harry meant giving up, throwing in the towel, and letting himself be tied up again because, come on. He never knew how to say no to Harry. Never, not once.  
Harry has been his weakness since day one.

So Louis knew he had made a big mistake, but it was too late to regret it. Having had sex with Harry only woke up his internal desire to return to him, to enter his arms. Louis wanted to surrender and to give his life to Harry like he had done it before. 

Louis had toured Harry's body many times, but this encounter only served to give life to that passion he kept locked inside his heart. Harry knew how to get into it as easy as he did ten years ago. 

Damn his stupid heart that has been fooled once again.

So there he is now, knocking on Liam's door once more, wanting to be heard and understood; also judged, why not? They were supposed to be having a date, but he left him standing to be with Harry. How stupid!

Liam was already expecting to have something to do with Haylie's father. He has a past history too and it was hard for him to move on, that's why he understands Louis, since he probably would have done the same if he was still in love with that person. And Liam knows that Louis loves Harry, he’s always known that.

“Just tell me what happened," Liam murmurs when they’re sitting in the living room again. “It has to do with Harry, right? Were you with him? You can say it, you can cry with me, it's fine.”

Liam had noticed Louis's watery eyes as he entered his home. It wasn’t difficult for him to realize that he had been crying before.

“I ... shouldn't have. I shouldn't have gone there, I'm an asshole.” Louis muttered and gently tugged on his hair. “I'm sorry I wasn't here in time for our date. I understand if you want me to go now”

Liam smiled slightly and denied. "No, Lou. Not at all. I'm fine, I just wish you would have warned me so I didn’t dress this way” he said, pointing to his clothing. He was radiant. “But it's okay, I understand"

Louis watched him closely. “You look beautiful tonight. I'm so sorry about this. It wasn't even worth it”

Liam sighed and took a seat next to him. “Look, I'm going to tell you the same thing as I did last time. I'm your friend, okay? Obviously you know I'm interested in you on another level but hey, it's fine. We are adults and I can tolerate rejection. But that doesn't mean I don't care what happens to you and I know that, at the moment, I'm the only friend you have. I will not leave you alone, you can trust me.”

“I know," said Louis and smiled. "You are the only person I trust right now"

“I’m happy to hear that” Liam smiled and took Louis's hand, tangling his fingers. “Tell me what happened"

Louis smiled and confessed to Liam in great detail how his reunion with Harry was. He didn’t omit anything, not even the fact that they had made love for several hours.

“He told me that he loved me, that he wished he could go back in time and not have left, that he regretted everything that happened and that he was willing to try again"

“And what do you answered him?" Liam asked cautiously.

“I told him that I had missed him so much and that I was happy to have him back, close in my arms, to breathe his scent, to touch his skin, to make love to him… he— “ Louis took a moment, sighed and continued. “We both cried. We cried a little but I didn’t tell him that I still love him. Something inside me was preventing me from letting out those words and now I'm just grateful. He expected me to tell him that I love him too but I didn’t do it, not this time”

“But you still love him, right?"

“I’ve never stopped loving him," Louis confessed. “I just, I've just tried to get him out of my head and deny it because that made me strong but I can't hide it anymore. I love him even more than before.”

“So ..." Liam said and kissed Louis' hand that was still linked with his. "So, Lou. What are you waiting for? You love him and he still loves you too. What's stopping you from trying again?”

“I just- can’t” Louis denied and wiped away the tears. “He lied to me; he was with Zayn all this time. He stopped loving me and made me believe that we had a communication problem or some shit like that, when in reality, it was him just being tired of me. I’ve blamed myself for years for being overly thoughtful and proposing him to be parents when he cheated on me with that guy. I don't want to love him”

“But…”

“I don’t want to love him, Liam” Louis said and swallowed. “I don’t want... Please, you have to help me”

Liam was silent for a moment. He was willing to help Louis, of course, but he wasn't sure if it was a good idea. So what if he falls in love before him? So what if Louis in the end can't help but need Harry around and goes back to him? Who will take care of his heart in that case?

He sighed and looked up, connecting with Louis's blue eyes.  
“I can help, but... one condition," Liam warned.

“What condition? Whatever you want Liam. I will do anything"

Liam nodded and kissed Louis on the cheek. “I promise I will do my best for you to feel loved and for this to work, but you must do your part too, you must be honest with me regarding your feelings. Can you promise me that?”

Louis smiled slightly and nodded. "I will, I- I'm willing, yes."

“Good," Liam said and kissed the back of his hand again. “We are going to work together, I know"

*****

Harry didn't know why he was there.

Well, he did, sort of.

It was the same fucking reason every time. The variables changed, of course. He was tired. He was miserable. He was drunk.

The door opened before he could even knock. Zayn looked at him. Harry stared back silently. There wasn't much point having this conversation, not again. There was nothing else to say. No excuse. No reason. Nothing to make this right except the one obvious thing that neither of them had ever said, or would ever say, because that might mean having to admit a whole lot of other things, one after the other and that was just...

“I just put the kettle on.” Zayn said, holding the door open enough to make a space. “You want a cup of tea?”

Harry nodded, sidling through the gap and hearing the soft click of the door closing behind him, familiar footsteps trailing him while he wandered into the living room and sat down on the couch. A mug was pressed into his hands a few minutes later. He didn't have to check to know it was exactly the way he wanted it.

Zayn blew gently over the surface of his own drink, steam wafting away from his mouth.

“What happened?”

“I saw Louis...” Harry sighed. 

Zayn nodded. “Okay”

“We made love all day—well kinda.” He shook his head. “But I think... I think it's over. You know? I don't...” He ran a hand over his face, the other trembling slightly where it was holding the tea. “Maybe. I'm not sure.” He looked down into his mug, glad there was milk so he couldn't see his own reflection. “He has a daughter.”

“He’s married?” Zayn chewed his lip, then let it go to take a sip of tea.

“I don’t know”

“Where is he, anyway?”

“Excellent question” Harry laughed bitterly, his eyes going up to the ceiling like a prayer. “He couldn’t forget that I cheated on him with you. He saw all our pictures together in my apartment. Apparently, he didn’t forget your face or your name”

“I'm sorry.” Zayn breathed. “You could have taken them out so he didn't see them”

“Why?” Harry shook his head. He realised Zayn hadn't looked directly at him since he'd come inside, not once. He looked down into his mug again. “You’ve been in my life all these years; I wasn't going to hide it. I was going to tell him, but not just now and he just- couldn't bear it, I guess.”

“I...” Zayn took another sip of his tea, trying to think what to say. Harry finished his own tea, leaning forward to put his mug on the coffee table. “Are you going to try to get him back?”

“Maybe. Probably. I mean- it was the idea but he just—Fuck.” 

“Was I awful to you?” Zayn asked quietly.

“No.” Harry assured him. “We were just awful together.”

“Tell me about it.” Zayn snorted. “I almost lost my voice screaming at you.”

“It wasn't your fault.”

“It wasn't yours either.” Zayn looked at him, finally. His eyes were glassy and despairing. “I did love you. Do... love you. But...”

“I was an asshole.” Harry muttered. He could feel Zayn start stroking his hair like he used to when they were lying on the sofa “It was too much at once. Like, who would have thought being madly in love with your ex would be that hard.”

“I know. It hurt that much because the two of you were still in love, it was not like one of you stopped loving the other” Zayn chuckled. He was no longer talking about the relationship between Harry and Louis, but about Harry and him. 

“I loved him so much.” Harry smiled. “But if it hadn't been for you, I'd probably already be lost”

“Yeah” Zayn nodded. He picked up his mug again. “Want another one?”

“Please.” Harry drained the rest of his quickly, handed it back, and watched Zayn disappear. A minute later he stood and followed.

Zayn was stood at the sink when he entered. The kettle was boiling, steam beginning to waft from the spout, but Zayn wasn't doing anything about it, nor about the two mugs sitting on the counter. He had his face in his hands, standing so still it was almost horrible. Harry stood for a second, not sure what to do. He heard a low, wet sniff.

Without bothering to speak he stepped closer, wrapped both arms around a solid waist, pressing Zayn’s back against his cheat. Zayn stiffened, and for a second Harry thought he'd overstepped. But then the body in his arms sagged, leaning back into him while one hand clasped over his, the other still over Zayn’s face.

“Sorry.” Zayn said quietly. “I'm having a bad week.”

“Yeah.” Harry agreed, squeezing him a little tighter. “Me too.”

“Yeah.” A damp sigh shifted the man against his front. “We're a complete disaster, aren't we?”

“Definitely.” There was a sour snort of laughter. He smiled, kissing Zayn’s cheek over his shoulder. “Want me to make the tea?”

“I don't know.” Zayn turned his head, pressing his nose into Harry’s cheek in a slow, helpless nuzzle. He breathed in slowly, then shuddered an exhale. Fingers entwined with the ones pressed to his stomach. “Come upstairs."

“We shouldn't.”

“We're going to, though. You know we are.” Zayn’s eyes closed, shifting behind eyelids as delicate as the rest of him. “Why would you come over if we weren't?”

“Just...” He didn't know how to finish that sentence. How to communicate the fact that when things were shit, so shit he didn't know what to do or how to explain them, the first place he always went was Zayn because Zayn cared about him. He would sit patiently and weather the flood of Harry’s emotions, take them on board as though there was room to spare. It was what they had always done…

Been there for each other. 

Except when they were actually together. Then every misery, every dissatisfaction was a personal slight. Harry couldn't just be angry or fed up or Zayn would wonder if it was his fault. Blame Harry for not being happy with him. And then Harry would blame Zayn for being self-absorbed and not just listening, the two of them riding the same carousel on opposite sides, chasing each other and never catching up.

They were better as friends.

“Harry...” His own name sounded slow and sweet on Zayn’s breath, tinged with bitterness. A forehead pressed to his jaw. His hand was lifted, and lips touched each finger.

“Zy...” He muttered helplessly. “No.”

“No.” Zayn sighed, squeezing his hand before dropping it. He turned, and a second later they were hugging. Lips brushed his neck. “We're terrible for each other.” Zayn said quietly. He let out a breath. 

Harry bit his lip, eyes beseeching. He leaned their foreheads together.

“Yeah”

“We are both so terrible at relationships that ours was the best one we had.”

“Was it?”

“For me it was. Yeah.” Zayn looked back up. “It was the worst and the best at the same time.”

“That doesn't make it good.” Harry pulled him in a little tighter, felt a solid, familiar shape meld to his body seamlessly. Fingers carded slowly through his hair. “I don't think he's coming back. I—I think Louis doesn’t love me anymore. At least he didn’t say it back”

“Are you okay?”

“No.” Harry admitted. “Not at all. I love him.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“It’s okay... but we're going to have sex, Zy, right?”

“Probably.” Zayn’s laugh was surprising, but genuine. Harry echoed it, feeling a smile touch his mouth. 

“Why the hell do we keep doing this to ourselves?”

“Because…” Zayn said simply. They both smiled. “I don't know. Old habits. After a while it just became part of me, loving you. Like a tattoo or something.”

“Or a scar”

“Same thing in the end, isn't it?”  
Zayn pointed out. “It's just that one's prettier to everyone else.”

“You choose a tattoo.”

“Yeah, well.” A tired face lifted, lips brushing his cheek. Harry kissed Zayn’s cheek in return, felt the hint of stubble under his mouth. “I miss sleeping beside you.” Zayn murmured. “I miss hanging out and laughing and having secrets and...”

“The fighting and storming out and accusations and sitting up at three in the morning crying because of Louis and your ex” Harry finished.

“Yeah” Zayn breathed. “I even miss that.”

“Me too” Harry pulled away, leaned over to click the kettle on again. He grabbed teabags while Zayn went to the fridge for the milk. Once everything was done they sat back down on the couch, fingers linking while they watched TV, sipping their teas.

Then they went upstairs.

Sleep came easily. Harry got down to his boxers and slid into a bed that wasn't his while Zayn stripped and put on a pair of pyjama bottoms. He was warm; the two of them nestled in the blankets, his arms around Zayn’s waist while he pressed kisses to a bowed nape. Not long after he felt Zayn’s breathing slow and closed his own eyes, allowing himself to drift in the troubled comfort of warm skin against his own.

When he woke, the space beside him was empty and the balcony curtains were fluttering in the breeze. He got up, stumbled over to peer out.

Zayn was there, leaned against the railing in his pyjamas, smoking a cigarette, looking out over the backyard, his hair catching the moonlight. He seemed small, bathed in a flat starlit glow that made him look grey and insubstantial, his eyes fixed unflinchingly out at some point in the distance.

“Hey.” Zayn said quietly, not moving his gaze.

“Hey.” Harry murmured. He stepped out, his skin prickling with goosebumps while he leaned his elbows on the hard wooden railing.

“In the morning you have to go.” Zayn said finally. “We can't do this anymore.”

Harry swallowed. He was right. Knew he was right, just like Harry had been right the last time when the same words had fallen from his own lips.

“Okay.” He reached out to cover one of Zayn’s hands with his own, felt it tense. “That's fine. Come back inside.”

“I'm being serious.”

“I know.” Harry nodded. “I'll leave today. But right now it's past three in the morning and you'll catch your death.”

“Stop mothering me.”

“No.” He snorted. “Even if we aren't fucking, I'm still going to worry about you.” He pushed his hair back from a pallid face. “You're exhausted. I'm exhausted. Come inside.” He tugged Zayn’s shoulder.

“In a minute” Zayn glanced at him. “Do you remember that time we were in... shit, was it Mexico, maybe? And it was so fucking hot we didn't want to leave the hotel?”

“India, I think? Maybe Dubai?”

“Could have been, yeah. Doesn't matter, I guess. And we almost got caught having sex in the shower when Nick came back early from lunch?”

“He knew anyways.”

“They all did.” Zayn snorted. “We were hiding it from them... they were hiding that they knew...”

“What's your point?”

“Just...” He shrugged. “It seems like a good chunk of our relationship was based on either lying or hiding. Not even from the lads, just... from the world or something.”

“That was definitely healthy.”

“It all just seemed so important at the time. Stressing about things like... not even about people finding out, but what they'd think and what it meant and what would happen if we broke up and...”

“We did break up.”

“And it was totally shit.” Zayn huffed out a breath, blowing hair away from his eyes. “But we managed.”

“I couldn't look at you for months.”

“No. I know.” Zayn bit his lip. “And I couldn't keep my eyes off you, so it hurt like hell.”

“I'm sorry.”

“It's fine.”

“Yeah” Harry nodded. “I'm glad we're still friends.”

“Me too” Fingers reached over, squeezing his hand. “I like being friends with you. It makes me remember why I fell in love with you in the first place, honestly. We weren't good together, but fucking hell I loved you. Do love you. Louis doesn't know what he's missing out on.”

“I'm pretty sure he does.” Harry sighed. “Think that's the problem.”

“He's an idiot, then.”

“That's the love of my life you're talking about.” Harry chewed his lips.

“Yeah... I know” Zayn said and snorted.

“Come inside, it’s cold out here”

“In a minute” 

“Okay”

*******

Louis was finding it more and more difficult to sleep these days since he saw him again. 

Nightmares woke him up more than normal with anticipation inside his chest, which urged him to run where Harry was. It insisted to him it is not over. It couldn’t be. It will never be over.

He woke up and there's only the fear of losing Haylie. He must protect his daughter, being honest with her and make her the happiest girl in the world. Because that was what he swore.

Except he wasn’t telling her the truth.

That night, he dreamed that Harry showed up at his door ready to take Haylie away and there was nothing he could do to stop him. He woke up screaming.

He has woken up to no one; the other side of his bed wascold and empty. Then there was the slightest creak at the door: a little shadow appeared across the floor. 

Haylie stared timidly into the room, peering around the door.   
Louis sat on the bed and moved to the nightstand to turn on the lamp. 

He pushed a fringe of sweat-damp hair from his face and he reached out in dismay toward his daughter. “What are you doing awake, love?" 

He moved from the bed and pulled Haylie into his arms.

“Can I sleep with you, daddy?”

There was a hopeful look in his daughter's eyes. His eyes.  
Louis couldn’t stand the look, because Haylie had probably heard him screaming and that’s why she was here. His bed is too large for one and too cold to sleep alone, so he scooped up the four year old girl and pressed his face into the hot skin of Haylie’s neck.

“Lay with Daddy,” he whispered.

Louis drew Haylie close to his chest as they sank together into the tangles of blankets and sheets. He remembered flashes of other times that had happened when Haylie was still a baby and could never get her to sleep in the crib. She used to like sleeping with him while he stroked her hair and she sucked on her thumb. Damn habit. 

He knew he should talk to his daughter about the reason of his nightmares, tells her little by little and prepared her day by day, so he could be able to say the whole truth. Because he still sees Harry in Haylie’s eyes and he remembers Harry's voice saying that he wanted to have a daughter and call her by that name. But, no, he couldn’t tell the truth, much less now after what had happened between them.

That night for the first time in years, somehow, he did not feel a jarring sadness, like he’s always done; only just the dullest pang of regret and what swept in its place wasn’t so crippling ache of loneliness.

Because the only thing he needed to live was there, wrapped in his arms: he felt safe.

So he gave into his despair, remembering him, Harry’s face, Harry’s eyes, and buried his face in Haylie’s hair, hoping it'll dry any tears that manage to fall.


	16. I know there's nothing I can do to change it But is this something that could be negotiated?

_”Daddy, how was I born?"_

_Okay. Louis didn’t expect that question so soon. To be frank, he wasn't expecting it right now. He almost spit out the tea he was drinking._

_Shit. "I don't know," he said._

_"You don’t know?" Haylie asked with a frown._

_"Did I say that out loud? I mean, I do know, of course. It's just that you took me by surprise” Louis said and laughed._

_They had had a talk regarding families in the kindergarten and many children had asked about the babies and how they got into the world but that particular topic was not planned for the talk. He assumed that his daughter wanted to inquire about it because she had asked many times about her mom._

_“Daddy"_

_"Yes, love"_

_"Are you going to tell me?" Haylie asked and raised one of her eyebrows. Louis almost laughed, she was so expressive._

_“Okay, sit here," he said and patted his thigh._

_Haylie sat on her father's leg and sighed, waiting for her well-deserved explanation._

_“Let’s see, do you remember what we talked about with your teachers a couple weeks ago? About families? That not all of them are the same?”_

_"Aha”_

_“Well, Mhm ..." God help me. “To have babies you need a woman and a man"_

_“But-"_

_“Wait, wait, let me finish" Louis interrupted her gently and smiled. “I am not saying that two moms and two dads cannot have babies. I'm talking about something else”_

_“I don't understand," Haylie said._

_Shit, this was definitely not easy._

_“Well, since I didn't have a wife or a girlfriend, I couldn't be a dad by myself because I am a man. So I went to a clinic where there were women willing to lend me their tummy to have you. Do you remember Eddie's mom had a huge belly and then she had her baby and her belly disappeared?”_

_“Yes"_

_“As I wanted to be a father, a very good woman lent me her tummy to have you"_

_"So she’s my mom?" Haylie said hopefully._

_“Well no, she just lent me her tummy. I am your father” Louis said and swallowed. “Just me"_

_“But then how was I born? What do a man and a woman have to do? Kiss on the mouth or something like that?”_

_“Oh, God" Louis said and massaged his temple. “No... I mean… something like that but I didn't do that with her. I just put my...” He stopped and sighed. “My seed" Shit. “And the doctors put it in her belly so you can grow in there. She only took care of having you in her belly; she is not your mother, love.”_

_“What is a seed? Are they the same as the plants ones?” Haylie asked somewhat confused. "I thought that people had to love each other a lot to bring babies into the world"_

_“That's another way to have babies, exactly. There are many ways, love. It happens that... I had no girlfriend or boyfriend and I had to do it alone. There are other people who are married or together and decide to bring babies. I decided do it alone because I wanted to have you” He explained._

_"Oh ..." Haylie said and hugged her dad. “Thank you, daddy"_

_Louis knew that his explanation was a bit confusing or poorly expressed, but he used the words he thought appropriate since Haylie was only 4 years old. She will grow, along with her doubts about her origin and Louis thought about explaining the truth to her over time, when she is old enough to understand._

_“I love you," Louis said and kissed her hair. “I don't regret asking this lady to help me. You are the most precious thing I have in life, you will always be”_

_"I love you, daddy"_

_"I love you more, my love"_

*****

Louis sighed, looking through a bunch of emails on the computer at his home. It was Saturday and he spent all morning thinking about his talk with Liam, so he decided to put into practice what was going to be his life from now on, having dates again and start dating him formally.

So he decided to call him on the phone.

"Lou, good morning" 

“Good morning, how have you been?" Louis said and reached out to check the watch. There was still time to suggest his idea. “You haven't had lunch yet, have you?"

”Honestly? I woke up to your call, so no” 

“Oh, I'm so sorry," Louis said and sounded disappointed.

”No, Lou. It’s okay, I fell asleep late last night and today I had the day off from work. No problem” 

“Okay. I wanted to invite you to lunch, if you're free. We’regoing to the mall with Lottie and Haylie to buy her dress for Perrie's wedding. It's in two weeks, can you believe it? I also have to go try on the suit I’ve ordered.”

"Oh, it sounds like a promising afternoon." 

"You don’t like to go to the mall, do you?"

"Not so much, but I want to go" 

“You really don't like shopping? Haylie loves it.”

"I can get used to it for you" 

"Well then, see you in one hour?" Louis proposed. “I’ll pick you up, we will have lunch and then we go shopping"

"Sounds perfect" 

*****

Later, Louis picked up his sister and Liam to go lunch.

At first, Lottie felt a little uncomfortable being in their midst again, but after a while, Liam's presence between them became a habit. Haylie adored Liam, and she wanted him to cut her food or pour her more juice.

When they arrived at the mall, Lottie knew exactly which children's stores they should go, since she was who bought her niece's clothes more often. Louis only accompanied them and stayed outside the changing room so that he could approve each outfit and pay for them, of course.

So the afternoon was based on a few laps to find the perfect dress for Haylie. When they found it, Lottie was in charge of entertaining his niece, taking her to have an ice cream, since Louis had to try on the suit in another store.

*****

Nick was at the mall with his boyfriend when he thought he had seen a familiar face. Lottie was sitting with Haylie having ice cream a few meters from where they were walking.

“Wait here." Nick took his boyfriend by the arm and made them stop in the middle of a hallway.

Chris, Nick's boyfriend, frowned and looked both ways. "What's going on?"

“I must call Harry. Wait,” he said and took the phone out of his pocket to call his friend.

Harry answered his call almost instantly.

> What's up, Nicholas?

“I think I'm in front of your ex-sister-in-law, Louis's sister?" He said in a whisper looking both ways. His boyfriend was frowning and laughing as Nick appeared to be on a private detective mission.

> Lottie? Where?

“I'm with Chris at the mall." Nick looked at his boyfriend who held up his hand in greeting. "He sends his regards and says don't forget that his birthday is soon and he wants a Gucci shirt" his boyfriend started laughing.

> I'll see what I can do. Is she there with someone or alone? 

“No, actually she’s with a little girl. Will she be Louis'daughter?”

> Probably

Harry said and sighed.

> How is she? She looks like him? 

“I don't know, I can't see her face, only her back." Nick said and cleared his throat. They had started walking again and soon they were walking near that table. “You know, right now I'm going to..." he said and was silent.

Louis was walking towards them, accompanied by a guy, leaving the store of formal suits.

“So I just need my suit and we're all ready for the wedding," Liam said.

Louis didn't say anything; he didn't have time to make a sound when his eyes met Nick's. He looked at the ground immediately as he guided Liam with a hand on his waist to the table where his sister was. Nick was silent, following them with his eyes while his boyfriend was very entertaining looking at windows.

> Nick 

Harry called him.

> What happened? 

“Nothing," Nick said and swallowed hard. Harry obviously didn't believe him.

> Nick 

Harry repeated.

> What happened? Tell me 

“I think ... Louis is getting married," he said in a whisper. He heard only silence from the other line for a few seconds. "Harry"

> I heard you 

said Harry and snorted.

> Are you sure? 

“I saw him come out of the formal suit store with a bag and a guy next to him said that only his suit was missing for the wedding" Nick repeated what he heard and sighed. "Sorry"

Harry was silent for a few more moments. Nick heard him take a deep breath.

"Harry, are you alright?"

> Yes, yes, I… I think I'm going to hang up. We'll talk later, ok? 

“Sure friend. We talk later, bye"

******

Harry was hurt.

His heart hurt in a way that he’d never thought it would, hell; he never thought it could be worse than before. It felt like Louis had ripped it out of his chest and stomped the living shit out of it, had stabbed it and punched it and torn it to shreds, then shoved it back inside of his body expecting it to work. 

The worst part was that it did, it continued to beat restlessly, forcing him to live on. He listened to it constantly and he started to wonder if it was actually his broken heart or if it was his mind as it crumbled.

And it made him feel empty. It made him feel like there was a chasm inside of him, one that he’d never manage to fill.

And he was seeing Louis everywhere now.

He’d hear his whispers in his dreams. He never believed them, because after all dreams were a figment of your imagination, you literally dreamed them up, they were nothing but fantasy. But he always remembered his words.

_I love you_

_I'm so happy to see you again_

_I do love you, I swear it._

That one always made him wake up, he’d jolt up in his bed and try not to scream. Those words always came with a vision of him. Louis had said those words to him after all, really did. But it felt so long ago.

Louis didn’t love him anymore.

Because he was getting married with someone else.

So he drank the last bottle of vodka from his cupboard and decided to sit in front of the fireplace again. He was crying, watching the fire slowly burn down.

And he decided to do something stupid. One more of many, it didn't matter anymore.

****

Louis was sleeping peacefully that Saturday. He'd spent a busy day shopping, then taking Haylie to see an animated movie. She was a very spoiled girl, and every thing she wanted she had it. His mother warned him that that was a bad thing, that the child didn’t know what a no was, but they couldn’t judge him, Haylie was going to be his only daughter, of course he was going to spoil her.

He was sleeping very peacefully when the phone rang at 2:30 in the morning.

At first he hesitate to answer, since it was Harry and he didn't feel like talking to him but ... Haylie was his weakness, just like him.

“It's two in the morning, Harry. You can't call me at this ho– "

> Is it true? 

He heard Harry stutter.

> Why didn't you tell me? 

Louis frowned and his heart began to pound too hard in his chest. Harry knows the truth? Oh God.

“What are you talking about?" he asked and swallowed hard. “What are you—"

> Why didn't you tell me you were getting married? 

Louis frowned again, more confused than before. “What? Harold, are you drunk?”

> Nick told me he saw you this afternoon buying a suit. Are you getting married? It is true? 

Louis was connecting the dots in his mind. Nick saw him leaving the store and he heard when Liam was saying something about a wedding. Okay, well. He could tell the truth, he could say that he’s not even close to getting married or that he was probably never going to get married but... well, he could lie too.

“Yes, it’s true" he lied and swallowed. Harry didn't say anything then and he huffed. "Good bye," he said and was about to hang up but Harry stopped him.

> So what was I to you? One last adventure before giving yourself to someone else in front of the altar? Is that what you're saying to me? 

“God, Harry. You're drunk, baby. Don’t do this"

> Don't call me baby. Don't call me that because you don't love me. You are going to get married and I will die alone 

“Don’t say that. You will find someone who will love you one day. You will see."

> Why don't you want to marry me anymore? What does he have that I don't have? A bigger dick? 

“Harry, you don't want to get married"

> Who says it? 

“You, a few years ago, remember? Do you remember how I knelt in front of you and offered you my life and you just laughed and said 'No'?”

> That doesn't count, it was a joke 

"No, it wasn’t"

> Yes, you even laughed too 

“I laughed so as not to cry. I made a fool of myself in front of everyone”

> Don’t get married... please 

“Harry..." Louis said and sighed. He was getting tired of lying, he was going to tell him the truth. About this. “Harry, did you get drunk because you thought I was going to get married?" Louis asked carefully.

> Yes, and because you don't love me, of course. How did you propose? 

Harry asked and wiped his nose.

> Because you were the one who did it, right? How did you ask him? What did he say? Was he surprised? Was he expecting it? 

Louis swallowed and closed his eyes, imagining the perfect scenario in his mind, as if nothing bad happened, that Harry and he were still together and had a beautiful daughter.

“I came from work and he was waiting for me at home with our daughter in his arms. I had planned it in my mind in so many perfect ways, during a trip or a romantic dinner but that wasn’t necessary... He loved me, I loved him, we had a beautiful daughter, we were happy. I— ” Louis said and snorted. A few tears fell down his cheek. “I knelt down in front of them and told them that they were the most beautiful thing I had and that I wanted him to give me the privilege of being able to call myself his husband."

Harry sniffled. He was listening intently and crying behind the line.

> He’s so lucky. Tell him I hate him 

"Go to sleep, baby. You're drunk and you're probably not going to remember any of this in the morning.”

> I'm going to have one more drink, because I'm definitely going to remember this call. I love you, Louis. Sorry for calling you. My head hurts, I'm sorry 

"Go to sleep, Harry."

> Yes 

he said and snorted.

> That is probably a good idea. Goodbye 

Louis said nothing more, and Harry hung up seconds later.

He couldn’t continue sleeping, he rolled thousands of times in bed. He knew he had to tell Harry the truth because he didn't like knowing he was drunk for that reason.

He wrote him a message, Harry could read it now or in the morning, it didn't matter.

> _**Louis:** I'm not going to get married. I have a friend's wedding, so I bought a suit. Your silly friend Nick doesn't even know how to hear other people's conversations. _

_

> **Harry:** Is it serious? God. I almost died of an ethyl coma
> 
> I hate you, Louis
> 
> But I love you more 

_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I wanted to remind you that I write this story in Spanish and then translate it as I can into English. That is why you will find many spelling errors throughout history until someone offers to be my beta and help me correct them.**
> 
> **Also wanted to take advantage on this note and ask what do you think about the story so far? Is there something you don't like? What would change about the plot or what do you can’t wait to read?**
> 
> **Thanks for the comments and kudos that there are so far. I will wait for your comments to publish the next chapter so I can interact with you in the comments.**
> 
> **Thank you ❤️**


	17. Now we're saying goodbye... Waving to the hard times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Yeah, it's gonna be alright Like the first time_

Liam was... Christ ... He was perfect. 

Louis can tell that Liam is the type of person he would spend the rest of his life with. The one who he would give everything for, he would trust his own bones and give him all the love he deserves, but ...

He simply can’t love him now. Not now that Harry was once again on the map of his path without his consent, believing himself to be the owner of the space, as if he was the winner again (as if this was a contest for whoever wins his heart)

He’s spending the night with Liam at his apartment. It was a weekday and Haylie was sleeping in the guest room. Tomorrow she had no classes at school and they were going to take the day off from work.

They had dinner, watched a Disney movie and Haylie fell asleep early in her father's arms. After putting her to bed, they began to drink a few glasses of wine, planning to sleep late, talking and sharing anecdotes.

Liam turned on the radio and started dancing, inviting Louis to join him, laughing and managing to make him laugh.

“Come on, don't tell me you don't know how to dance. We have to practice the moves for the wedding party” Liam encouraged, taking him by the hand, making Louis takes his ass off the couch (without dropping the glass of wine)

Louis laughed and let himself go, letting Liam hugged him and swung him from side to side.

“Do you often come to this place to dance?" Liam whispered in his ear, holding him on by his waist.

Louis frowned because that sounded so familiar to him. He stared at an invisible point in the distance. Then he looked up to meet Liam’s brown eyes.

Of course, he already remembered...

_"Louuuu, come here" Harry yelled from the living room. Louis was preparing dinner in the kitchen._

_He moved closer, wiping his hands on his apron. “What's wrong, baby?"_

_Harry got up from the couch and ran to the radio to turn it on. “I was thinking we don't have a song, we’ve been together for three years, how come we don't have a song?"_

_“Did you really call me for that? I have to pay attention to the chicken, I don't want it to burn like the other night” Louis murmured, rolling his eyes and turning to go back to the kitchen._

_But his cute young boyfriend was faster than him and more stubborn too._

_“I propose that we turn on the radio and the song that plays will be ours, what do you say?" Harry proposed._

_“I say that now is not the time, love. Later,” Louis said, but Harry, stubborn and capricious Harry, came up and snatched a kiss from his silly boyfriend. Louis smiled and stopped. “Well. You have my attention” he said and wrapped his boyfriend's waist in a hug._

_Harry smiled and took Louis's hand, walking across the room to the cabinet where the radio laid._

_“Ready?" Harry asked._

_Louis seated. “Ok. now"_

> _Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up  
>  In the morning when the day is new?  
>  And after having spent the day together  
>  Hold each other close the whole night through?  
>  Happy times together we've been spending  
>  I wish that every kiss was never ending  
>  Oh, wouldn't it be nice?_

_"Yesssssss!" Harry screamed._

_"What? No, let's choose another one” Louis said and tried to change the dial but Harry patted his hand. "Auch"_

_“There is no better song than that, come on let's dance"_

> _Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray  
>  It might come true  
>  Baby, then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do  
>  We could be married  
>  And then we'd be happy  
>  Oh, wouldn't it be nice? _

_“Do you often come to this place to dance?" Harry whispered in his ear as he held him tight by the waist._

"Everything is fine?" Liam asked and it was his turn to frown. “You look distracted, what are you thinking about?"

Louis shrugged and took another drink from his glass. “Things ... It doesn't Matter"

Liam nodded and kissed his cheek, slowly rocking them back and forth because the song playing was a slow one. It could be the ideal choice to be their song. Liam hummed the tune in his ear, Louis closed his eyes, letting go.

*******

Harry fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He had a good night's sleep, uninterrupted, and it felt like the best night he'd had in months.

He woke up with a good feeling.

He checked the clock on his phone along with his schedule of activities for the day. He had a pretty busy day in the studio.

He ate the nutritious menu he has each morning for breakfast, did some exercises with the machines he has at home, took a bath and left for work.

Of course he didn’t work at all because he spent all his time thinking about Louis.

Last night he had a very real and beautiful dream. They were together, they loved each other as always and they shared a daughter. He didn't see the girl's face at any time, only small flashes and from afar, but he was so in love with her. Perhaps it was a sign that he should keep trying with Louis, he had to find a way to reach him and win his love again. Plus, he must earn the love of someone else, his daughter. Harry doesn't know anything about her, not even her name but he’s sure he could love her as much as he loves Louis.

He decided to text him, perhaps invite him to lunch in a neutral place. Louis must be at work.

> _Hi, Louis. How are you?_
> 
> _I was thinking that we could have lunch together. I think we owe each other a talk about what happened_

Louis didn’t respond, of course. Harry has been texting him since the last time they saw each other and Louis had only answered to clarify that he wasn’t getting married, but he didn’t reply to any other message. Why he would do it now? Silly, silly Harry.

__

> _**Louis:** I think we have nothing to talk about. What happened was only a moment of weakness and I am very sorry. It will not happen again. Have a nice day. _

Harry smiled when he read the message, even though there was no point in being happy about what he’s just read. But the fact that Louis answered him, gave him a clue that he should continue insisting. Louis was going to loosen at some point, he always did.

__

> _  
> _
> 
> __
> 
> __
> 
> **_Harry:_ ** _Hello_
> 
> __
> 
> __
> 
> __
> 
> __
> 
> __
> 
> __
> 
> **_Louis:_** _Is this a thing now? We text each other?_
> 
> **_Harry:_** _Are you free for lunch today? I need to see you_
> 
> **_Louis:_** _What part of “I'm seeing someone” you don't understand? Besides, I'm very busy. Sorry. I can’t._
> 
> **_Harry:_ ** _Harry is crying..._
> 
> **_Louis:_** _Harry is already a big boy to keep playing this game. Please, don't insist any more. I am not interested._

____  


I’ve already mentioned that Harry was very stubborn, right? He does not take no for an answer.

******

Louis checked his phone and saw a message from Harry, which was a heart emoji. He felt a genuine smile on his face, but soon he shook his thoughts. He can no longer play this game.

At noon, he was about to head out to a nearby restaurant for lunch, as he usually did when he had the chance. Just before he left his office, the desk phone rang, it was from the reception.

"Lucy?"

> _Sir, your boyfriend is waiting for you at the reception to go for lunch._

Louis frowned. Liam was there? Well, they hadn't established the term "boyfriends" yet, but anyway, it was strange that he just appeared there out of nowhere.

"He’s here? Okay, I suppose. I'll be right down," he assured and hung up.

He grinned as he stood in front of the elevator mirror, debating whether to loosen his tie to look less formal or not. That was never important, he knew he always look good, but now he wanted to look more than good. He wanted to look handsome for Liam.

But when he got to the reception, there was no sign of Liam. The one waiting for him there, with a stupid smile on his face, was Harry.

He frowned and looked at Lucy between the eyebrows. "Lucy, this man is not my boyfriend," he said in a serious tone.

The young secretary opened her eyes wide. ”Oh-I'm sorry. I thought, -Well, he said-"

Harry smiled and walked over to Louis, bumping his shoulder. "Come on Lou, don't be shy," he said and looked at Lucy. "Yes, I’m his boyfriend"

“No, he’s not," Louis assured and rolled his eyes, starting to leave the building. "We'll talk later about this incident, Johnson" he threatened his employee.

Harry started walking behind Louis and winked at the girl. “He’s not even mad. Don't worry, darling, he’s just moody. I'll fix it"

Louis pulled his phone out of his dress pants pocket and started walking, knowing Harry was following him. When he was a few meters outside the company building, he stopped and turned to see him.

“What do you want? Wasn't I clear enough with you about what happened?” His voice wasn’t friendly at all. He got tired of being nice to Harry.

All trace of amusement vanished from Harry's face. He sighed and looked at the floor. He felt scolded like a little boy. “Look, I just wanted to see you. I want us to talk"

"Harry, there is nothing more to say. Our relationship ended 5 years ago. You can't get into my life and do as you please like you did before. I'm being serious. You can't show up at my work and make a fool of me with my employees.”

Harry rolled his eyes and huffed. “I wanted to see you and you said you used to have lunch near here. Can we talk like two grown men? I need to tell you a few things, I-” He sighed and swallowed. “I need you to know a few things about me. I know I don't have to explain what I’ve done all these years but I need to talk to you. I won't bother you again if after this talk you don't want to see me anymore, I swear. Let's have a friendly chat like two exes who had a beautiful relationship and who respect each other. Please”

Louis hesitated a little, but sighed. "Okay," he muttered, and motioned for Harry to follow him.

He opened the door of the restaurant and stepped aside for Harry to pass and he followed. They chose a table near the window that faces the avenue.

Soon a waiter left the menu for both of them to choose their dishes.

Louis began to look at the menu immediately, reading each option in detail, although in his mind he had already made a choice, the same as always. Harry didn't even glance at the menu, as he usually did.

Soon the waiter approached and asked what he could bring them.

“I'll have the pasta dish of the day and still water, please,” Louis announced as he handed over the menu.

"And for you, sir?" The waiter turned to Harry.

Harry was silent, looking at Louis. "The usual, I guess," he said.

Louis looked at him for a moment and then smiled. “This young man wants a rice and vegetables salad. Broccoli if possible, some legumes and an extra plate of baked potatoes...” he said for sure and then hesitated. “And a bit of… ketchup sauce?"

Harry smiled and nodded. Louis always ordered for the both of them when they went out to dinner.

“And to drink, Sir?"

“The best white wine of the house, please?” Harry asked.

"Perfect. I’ll come back with your drinks right away,” the waiter said as he removed the menu from the table.

Louis linked his hands on the table and sighed heavily. He really had nothing to say, so he waited for Harry to do it.

“Thanks for agreeing to have lunch with me" Harry started and smiled. "And for remembering my usual food order"

Louis shrugged his shoulders. “I don't know anyone who eats vegetables like you, so..."

“Sure," Harry said and laughed. "Vegetables"

“I‘m all ears" Louis said and looked him in the eye. Harry frowned slightly. “You wanted to tell me some things, let's not waste time. Get to the point” he said and looked at the watch on his wrist. “I have 40 minutes to lunch and go back to work."

Soon the waiter arrived with their drinks and lunch. At first none of them spoke, they were only there sharing a meal, in silence. Occasionally, sharing a look.

“You know, I came back for you" Harry said and took a sip from his glass.

Louis chewed his portion and drank from his water. He was looking into his eyes, surprised you might say. "Excuse me?"

“I returned to our department after two months. I needed the space to realize that I really needed you by my side. I returned with the hope that we would start again, without fights, without stupid arguments and-“ he said and called the waiter with his hand, showing him his empty glass so that he’ll come back with more wine. “I waited there for a few weeks hoping you would come back for me, but you never did,” he watched as Louis looked down at his plate. He hadn't even eaten half of it, and apparently he wasn't going to eat more. “I left the house because it hurt me to be waiting for something that was not going to happen."

“Harry-I didn’t-" Louis said and snorted.

“You didn't know, of course. You didn't know it because you disappeared from the map. I looked for you; I spoke to all the people we knew and nobody knew where you had gone, as if you had vanished, all of you.”

“I needed to be away. I was depressed, I wanted to start a new life without you, away from you and away from what was once mine, I—“

“I don't want this to become a claims date, don't get me wrong, Louis." Harry stepped forward. "I wanted to see you because I needed you to know what I had gone through, my experience, my side of the story."

“Okay”

"Okay." Harry nodded and drank more of his wine. “When you left I became a jerk, you know? I drank all day, I slept with other guys to trying to forget you,” he said. “I know that I made a big mistake, cheating on you, but it was only a kiss and for me that was insignificant. Now I understand. I did understand that for you a kiss was enough but it was too late, right? I had already done it and I couldn’t change that. I’m sorry, Louis. I really acted like an idiot, I was super immature and you really didn't deserve someone like me next to you”

Louis took a gulp of his water. He felt a lump in his throat and didn't want to cry in front of Harry once again. They were in a restaurant in broad daylight and he didn't want them to make a scene there. He sighed and ran his plate to the side because it was evident that he couldn’t continue eating, his appetite was gone.

Harry, on his side, seemed to be venting, seemed to want to keep talking until he got everything out of him. If this was the last time he was speaking to Louis, he was going to tell him everything, absolutely everything.

“I started seeing Zayn after a while," he said and saw how Louis looked down again. “I slept with him and then we started a kind of weird relationship. We weren’t exclusive boyfriends, but we were together, we shared the same circle of friends, we became the company of the other, without wanting to. He knew our story, I have cried with him many times talking about you and how much I missed you and how sorry I was”

“I imagine he would have been very understanding when you talked to him about someone else while you were in bed with him," said Louis sarcastically. “You were both crying for the silly Louis while you guys were fucking”

Harry frowned. “No, actually he had his own demons, you know? His own past history. He wasn’t a jerk like you think he was”

“I don’t think anything about him, I don’t know him, I just know that he put his tongue and maybe something else in my boyfriend’s mouth while I was sleeping peacefully on what it was our bed”

"On the night of Nick's party, I was sad, I was drunk and he was there trying to comfort me.”

“Right” Louis smiled sarcastically.

“His boyfriend had died in a car accident a few months before and that night was the first time he decided to go out and have fun after being depressed. I was drunk, I was talking about you, that we were probably going to broke up soon and he told me that you were waiting for me at home, that you weren’t dead and I could return to you whenever I wanted. He started talking about his boyfriend, how much he missed him and was crying and I just ... kissed him.”

Louis swallowed, still silent and staring into his eyes. His eyes started to water as Harry spoke.

“I know you thought it had been more than a kiss but it was only a kiss” Harry explained. “That doesn’t justify it, and I admit my mistake but it wasn’t an act of anger, it just happened. It didn't mean anything to me. We were having communication problems. You wanted to formalize, more responsibilities and I wanted to have fun, have a good time. We didn't want the same things, but I loved you... I do love you”

"I believe you," Louis said and wiped away the tear that fell down one of his cheeks.

"Thank you." Harry said and reached out to hold Louis's on the table. “It means a lot to me that you believe me. Even though years had passed, I needed you to know my truth. I have been with him all this time, he’s my friend, I love him and I protect him.”

“He’s in love with you, right?" Louis asked, almost in a whisper, but Harry heard him.

“Yes," Harry nodded.

"I don't blame him, who in his right mind wouldn't fall in love with you?" Louis asked and smiled, stroking Harry's hand over his. “Did you really come back for me?"

Harry smiled and nodded. “Of course. We had our problems but it was us. We had a beautiful 5 year relationship; I wasn't going to throw it overboard for a few fights. We are soulmates. Look at us now, Lou. Look at us... After almost 10 years we still can’t take the eyes of each other if we are in a room together”

Louis smiled and felt his face suddenly warm. “I cannot deny or confirm that theory"

“You know it's true" Harry laughed.

Louis smiled too and looked at the watch on his wrist, checking the time. "Oh, it's too late, I should go now," he said and motioned for the waiter to come over.

Louis pulled out his credit card before Harry even tried to pay. He wasn't going to let Harry do it anyway.

They started walking out of the restaurant a few minutes later.

Harry thought they could discuss what had happened between them and how to move on from that, but he didn't know how to say it. Lunch was a success, a kind of victory for him. They spent some time alone, even Louis laughed and smiled at some point.

Feeling a little better, he walked Louis to the door of his building and they just said goodbye with a hug.

Before he turned the corner, he texted Louis.

> _It was nice to see you, although I would have liked to know about you and your daughter. I'm also a bit sad because I didn't get a kiss goodbye, but I get it. Have a great life, Louis. I guess it’s a goodbye now_

When he read the message, Louis let out a sigh that he didn't know he was holding. He went into his office, and sat on the small sofa there. He closed his eyes and thought about everything he heard from Harry.

Louis had hated Harry for a while, but couldn't no more after he had Haylie. And it had nothing to do with their breakup itself, but the stupid fights they used to have and the little tolerance that there was on the part of both in recent times.

Honestly, they hadn't been mature enough for much more back then. That relationship was the biggest failure of his life.

The resentment took a long time to overcome. It was too much anger, and too much pain, because they clung to each other so much in those five years and fought each other in equal measure, both of them trying to do the other more harm than they suffered themselves. Louis wasn't really proud of that, looking back, but it was the only thing he knew how to do.

He always had a hard time looking back before that, when they were happy and together, or maybe just happy.

Louis had given all his simple and honest love and Harry couldn't understand if he deserved it or not, but he had loved him back, and he had been ridiculously, filthy happy, madly in love with him, but hadn't been ready for any of that either back then: engagement, marriage and children.

In the end, Harry had let fear drive him instead of love. He hadn't broken things, for lack of love, Louis was wrong.

Louis then remembered the things Harry said when they’re making love in his house two weeks ago.

_“I miss the way we were," he had said in a rare moment of honesty while being fucked._

_Louis had smiled at him softly, like sadness or regret. “I don't make the same mistakes twice, Harry," he had said._

_Harry tried to smile back, not to show resentment, to show that he was not taken by surprise, to hide the hope that has been secretly growing inside him. He wasn't sure how successful the smile was. Harry never mentioned it again, but maybe that was because everything else got in the way before he had a chance. They just kissed and made love to the point of exhaustion._

Louis sighed. _Harry loves him._ He swallowed hard. _He still loves Harry._ He looked at the photo of Haylie that was resting on his desk. _They could make it,_ they can have a second chance, for Haylie this time.

He texted him back.

> _Can I see you later?_

Harry told him to come to his studio two hours later. He had a busy day but didn't care about work right now. He told all his employees and assistants that they could leave what they were doing or take the work home if possible, so that he could be alone with Louis.

Harry had stayed there until it was the time Louis told him he would be arriving.

Louis entered the studio, observing everything around him, following Harry's instructions on where his office was located.

Harry was looking at the large window that looked out on the city when he heard the footsteps. He didn't have to turn around to know it was Louis.

There was no hint of hesitation on the steps, and suddenly Louis was standing next to him. He didn't look at him, he was just standing there. Harry was wondering if he was imagining things when Louis spoke.

“There were nights that I couldn’t sleep ... thinking of you" he confessed, both hands in his pockets.

Harry smiled, glancing at Louis. He looked gorgeous with the subtle light behind him. There was a warm sensation in his chest, and he had to stop himself from jumping on him and kiss him. They stood side by side in silence for a while until Harry asked.

“Do you still love me?"

Louis, not daring to look at him.

“I just told you that there were nights that I couldn’t sleep thinking of you. And I'm not just talking about these last two weeks. I‘m talking of many nights for almost 5 years,” he continued, shrugged and turned to look at him.

Their eyes met for a brief moment and time stood still for both of them.

Harry gasped, and could see Louis's eyes locked on his, as if it were the most interesting thing around him. He could see Louis's hands move slowly to his face and he stroked his cheek as if they were moving on their own, as if Louis was not aware of the movement.

He stroked it slowly, following the movement of his fingers from the earlobe to the chin, slowly moving to his lips. Louis's touch was light as a feather.

Harry stood still, holding his breath, enjoying the touch. He didn't want to do anything or say anything that would make Louis remove his fingers from his lips. Not even breathe.

He closed his eyes and too soon he stopped feeling Louis's fingers on his face. He opened his eyes, and Louis's face was closer, much closer. Before he knew it they were kissing once again.

Louis kissed him softly at first, but Harry seemed to be deepening it more and more. Before that happened, Louis suddenly pulled away, and without a word, stepped back. Harry opened his eyes.

“I need to think clearly about this before I do anything else, Harry." Louis said, leaning face to face and looking him in the eye. “I have so many things to tell you but I am not ready now. Give me a few weeks, I ... I have-I have some issues to resolve first”

_I have to talk to Haylie, I have to prepare her to tell her the truth before I tell everything to Harry_

Louis's arm moved again. Harry didn't know if it was to push him away or to bring him closer. When he felt the hand touch his chin, his eyes met again, and with a small smile, Louis withdrew his hand, turned and walked away.

Harry stood in the darkness of his office, trying to find out what had happened. He decided to leave Louis and give him the time he was asking for, not wanting to push him. 

If he wasn't misinterpreting things, there was still hope for a second chance for them. If he was very optimistic, Louis still loved him and wanted to be with him as much as Harry did.

They will be alright, they were going to make it, _he could feel it._


	18. Now you're standing there right in front of me I hold on, it's getting harder to breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _All of a sudden, these lights are blinding me. I never noticed how bright they would be_

Louis felt lost.

The conversation he had had turned his world upside down. He was supposed to be starting a new relationship with Liam, he was supposed to do his part to make it works and now he was just thinking of how to tell him that maybe... maybe things with Harry weren't quite finished.

Louis wasn't sure how he went from being sure he didn't want to know anything about Harry to analyse whether his relationship could somehow go back to what it was, or at least give it a chance because of his daughter.

Harry had a special power to get inside Louis without him realizing it. It was shit in a way because he knew how to get under his skin without even trying. He was still Louis's weakness as he had been almost 10 years ago.

Now Harry... now maybe he was a little more mature than back then. Time had given him some room to think and to overcome what had become blind resentment; time to clear the tired old hatred and find a way to move on. If it was Harry, his feelings might not have been so different from back then, after all.

He believed he had got over Harry a long time ago, but he forgot the detail that you may never forget your first love. Not even if they were both dumb at the time, sloppy with their knees and hearts. Not even if almost every experience since then told him that it was a bad idea. Maybe you never get over your first love; or maybe, Louis just didn't want to let Harry go again.

Louis tried not to read too much about Harry's motivations. He knew he could go crazy with doubts. When Harry smiled at him in such a short time, and got a little closer, Louis had to fight back against the half-forgotten instinct to reciprocate. He had never given up the habit of being driven by Harry, even after all these years.

Now that he was not clinging to anger as a shield and had heard his side of the story, Louis had to make a decision because he was sure he didn’t want to get away from Harry again. It was probably due to all the effort he made to have that conversation with him. Louis always tried to put distance between them, it was a self-defence mechanism, but he didn't want to hide anymore.

He hadn't been able to sleep through the night, spinning on his mattress trying to find a position to rest since he had a pretty long day and lots of things to think about. He must start talking to Haylie about Harry soon, about her father. Today he couldn't have that delicate conversation with Haylie or Liam because it was Perrie's wedding. He had a new date with Liam and Louis was going to try to have a good time, have fun at less.

********

Lottie was at her brother's house the day of the wedding, since she would take care of dressing and styling Haylie. The little girl was in charge of bringing the rings to the couple and since she had a very important role in the event, they had to be there early.

“Daddy, are we leaving?” Haylie, who came and went in the living room, asked. Her aunt was ready too, but they were waiting for Liam.

“Now, love, in a few minutes. Let me talk to Liam,” Louis explained. He was trying to communicate with his date, but he didn’t pick up the calls. Louis sighed wearily. It was time for Haylie to be there, he didn't like being late anywhere, much less an event of this magnitude where his daughter had an important role. "Lott, you're going to have to take Haylie. I will take a taxi later, I’ll wait for Liam” he said, extending his car keys.

Lottie stood up, adjusting her dress. “Are you sure? Don't you want us to wait a few more minutes?”

Louis looked at the clock and denied. It was 1 hour and twenty minutes until the wedding, and at least 25 minutes to drive there, without traffic. Haylie should be there on time, at least an hour early, if possible even earlier. Louis was about to say something else, but then his phone started ringing.

“Liam?” Louis replied immediately.

> _Sorry, Lou.I had a problem with the suit. It was supposed to be ready for this morning at the first hour and apparently the schedule was confused and they’re finishing the ironing, they’ll deliver it to me in half an hour. I'm still here at the mall. I still have to go home to bathe. I am very sorry, I will arrive later, I may miss the ceremony but I will go to the party in a taxi, don't worry_

“No, Liam, no, no. I will wait for you, we will go together. If you want, go home to take a bath and I will go to the mall to get you the suit, that way we will save time.”

> _Sure love?_

Louis swallowed when he heard that nickname. “Yes, darling," he replied. "Go home quietly, now I’ll pick up the suit for you and take it to your house"

> _I love you so much, Lou. You're my hero. Thanks, see you soon_

Louis showed a genuine smile upon hearing that. Of course, who doesn't like to listen to flattery? He huffed as he extended his car’s keys to Lottie. His sister needs to drop him off at the mall on the way to the wedding venue.

******

Liam showered, shaved, and was perfuming himself when his apartment bell rang. He ran to the door and found the man who has been stealing his breath for almost 5 months.

He hadn't wanted to get too excited about things going to work and that when he least expected it, Louis would fall in love with him. But inevitably he was already heavily involved.

Louis was so beautiful, such a good lover and above all a faithful person that he could not resist. In addition to all those qualities that Louis possessed, he was also a good father and an excellent person; simple, intelligent and honest, above all things.

Liam trusted Louis in the same way the blue-eyed trusted him and it could be said that they are the perfect couple, Liam was sure that Louis was the one. He had already suffered too much for love in his 29 years. He really wasn't up to fool around anymore. He yearned for a stable partner, a family, and he found it. Louis and Haylie were everything to him now. They easily won his heart, or was it that Liam needed them as much as they did in their life.

“Wow ..." Liam said when he saw him outside his door. “Is that my date tonight?” He flattered the blue-eyed man as he entered his house with the suit in his hands.

“Oh, come on. You’ve already seen me in a suit” Louis smiled and went to kiss his cheek. "Stop flirting and go get dressed, we'll be late.” 

Liam rolled his eyes and laughed, approaching Louis and kissing his lips briefly. “I’ll be ready in a second, give me this” he said, trying to take the suit out of Louis’ hand, but that one, so sassy, extended his lips for a new kiss.

Yes, Louis, he was expecting another kiss. And who was Liam to deny him?

He approached slowly and grabbed Louis's face in his hands, kissing him almost instinctively on the lips. Louis quickly reciprocated, placing one of his hands on Liam's low waist, drawing him even further.

Liam was only dressed in underwear, covered in a bathrobe. Louis broke the kiss, moving away a little, and looking into his eyes thoughtfully. Liam would pay millions to know what Louis was thinking at the time. He seemed to be figuring out a math problem or something, distracted, lost at some point. Then he cleared his throat, as if he had been conscious, and regretted having done so. Was Louis regretting the kiss?

They didn't really have time to discuss this now. They were already late for the wedding. So Liam got up, took off his suit from Louis’s hands, and walked to his room to finish getting ready.

********

Perrie breathed slowly, fanning herself. She hasn’t eaten anything all day, but not because she was trying to fit into her dress or anything like that – it was because she had been so busy. All day, from the moment she had woken up had been about rushing around, trying to get everything in order for the party, only for someone to pull her aside and remind her that she had to be party ready as well.

So now here she was, squeezed into her dress, a bit of makeup caked on her face. Her bridesmaids were all rushing around, getting ready, and most of all, trying to get her to relax so she could actually enjoy her special day.

In thirty minutes, she was going to be a married woman.

She sat in front of an open window, trying to let the breeze chill her. They were getting married at a vineyard, and it couldn’t have been more beautiful.

The room behind her suddenly grew silent, but she paid it no mind. Just a second of peace, that’s all she wanted. Maybe she was finally getting it.

“Hiii, Perrieee” A sweet voice cut through the silence, and she saw Haylie at the door.

Lottie leaned on the frame, her arms crossed, smiling. She was wearing a beautiful bodycon black dress.

“Oh, my sweet princess” Perrie cried, running over to Haylie. The little girl was the first to run out to her as well, pulling her into a tight hug. “You look so, so gorgeous, darling. How are you? Are you excited?”

"Yes, Aunt Lottie now has the rings because Dad was waiting for Liam," Haylie warned, since she was in charge of carrying the rings. Perrie's mother charged Lottie to look after them until it was time.

Perrie looked at Lottie, who came over to greet her with a hug too.

"You look gorgeous, Pezz” said Lottie as she hugged her.

"Thank you, love, you too” Perrie said and sighed, looking at herself in the mirror again and at the clock on the wall. "I think it's about time ... shall we go?"

Haylie nodded, taking Perrie and her aunt by the hand. The three walked out of the room to meet in the room where their bridesmaids and women of the family such as their mother and future mother-in-law waited.

It was when Lottie was in the waiting room that she saw him. All the bridesmaids and women in the family were posing for the photographs. She had no idea that Harry Styles was the photographer for the event. Lottie slipped out of the photo-shoot, reluctantly. She must already be in her assigned seat, as Haylie knew what to do and was with Perrie's mother, posing for the photos as well.

As soon as she could disappear from the panorama of the photographs and videos, she took her phone out of her little bag and dialled her brother's phone. But of course, she must have imagined that Louis would not answer the call. He must be there among the guests or perhaps still on the way, she didn’t know.

She was terrified because today, just today, the truth was very likely to be discovered.

*******

When Louis arrived at the ceremony, all he cared about was seeing Haylie fulfil her important role. He immediately took out his phone, following his daughter, crossing the chairs and the guests with his eyes on Haylie, her walk and how beautiful she looked dressed. He didn't even pay attention to his surroundings.

Haylie did her job, and then stood off to the side along with Perrie's mom. Louis observed that the photographers who were there (there were at least three) portrayed her throughout her catwalk so he imagined that later he would have some beautiful professional photographs as a souvenir. He never, not even once, looked at the faces of the photographers or filmmakers. He was so involved in paying attention to his daughter and then the ceremony that he didn’t notice that some of the attendees wore their shirts with the stamp of the contracted photographic company. STYLES PH.

The wedding was a success, Perrie and Alex said yes and when they were walking on the red carpet, it was when, out of the corner of their eyes, Louis saw someone and then heard his voice.

“Perfect, congratulations!" Harry said out loud as he walked ahead of them, occasionally glancing back so as not to trip over anyone.

Louis paled from one moment to the next. Liam, who was holding his hand, noticed how suddenly his palm was sweating.

“Are you okay, Lou?" He asked as he watched him. “What's going on?”

Louis turned instantly as Harry walked in his direction and kissed Liam on the lips, turning him around, shrugging a bit and walking to the side. Liam reciprocated the kiss, of course, he wasn't going to refuse it. He amused himself with the idea that Louis was too romantic. Maybe the wedding made him a little horny; it happens to some people.

So he didn't pay much attention to the fact that since the party has started, Louis hasn't stopped drinking.

Liam noticed him odd, of course. He noticed him distracted since he spoke to his sister alone at one point, always looking everywhere and even sneaking out of the photographs. He didn't want to say anything, since Louis was planning to have fun today and he would be the designated driver, apparently.

“Let's dance," Liam asked. They were near one of the bars and had not moved from there. Louis did not want to get out of there for some reason.

“Let's dance here," Louis purred at his neck, moving from side to side.

“No. Let's go to the dance floor. Don’t be a party-pooper” Liam demanded, taking him by the hand, pushing him to walk. Louis seemed to resist, unsure of getting into where there were more people around, but then he gave in.

****

Haylie was doing what children usually to do at these kinds of events. She was wandering around the room, coming and going. At one point she was with her aunt, and then she ran off to play with the other children. Occasionally she would look for her father or her aunt, but when she could visualize them, she continued to play quietly.

She was running back and forth, until she tripped over someone and fell.

“Oh, little one. I’m so sorry! Did I step on you?”

“Oops! No. I'm fine,” she said and smiled adorably.

Harry knelt down to her height and held out his hand to help her up. Haylie accepted the help and stood there, looking at the man in front of her. He was watching her in great detail, frowning. She was about to start running again but the man spoke.

Harry had seen her before, of course, he took tons of pictures of her during the ceremony. Something about her fascinated him, he didn't know what.

“You're beautiful. I have a photo of me when I was a little boy, with long hair and I used to look like you, how strange!” He said and laughed. “What's your name, darling?”

“Haylie," she replied. She knew that she should not speak to strangers, her father told her millions of times but there was something about this man that gave her confidence.

“Haylie? Aww, that’s a pretty name...” Harry pouted. “How old are you?”

"Four... I'm going to be five soon," she replied. “Daddy said I will have a big party and I can invite everyone I want, do you want to go? What is your name?”

“My name is Harry," he said and held out his hand. “Nice to meet you, lady. Where is your father or your mother?”

“I only have a dad, well, two dads now because of Liam. Daddy is with Liam over there,” he said, pointing to a bar.

Harry smiled, the little girl was beautiful, adorable and he really wanted a daughter like that and called her Haylie as well.

He was about to ask her something else but a little boy came and took Haylie by the hand, leading her onto the dance floor. She waved at him, and Harry returned the greeting in the distance.

Harry kept walking, camera in hand, occasionally taking the odd photograph of the people dancing or the people gathered talking, portraying everything he could. He had two more assistants with cameras and another three with video cameras, he was well covered. Occasionally he would also sneak out and I ordered a glass of water or soda at the bar.

He was approaching the particular bar Haylie pointed at and without waiting, he was in for a surprise.

It was not a pleasant surprise, of course. No one liked to find the person they love, kissing another one.

Liam kept his hands on Louis's waist, rocking them both, kissing him on the lips, occasionally whispering things in his ear. But Liam looked up at the flash right on his face.

“Oh, we have a cute couple here, let's photograph them. Gentlemen, excuse me,” Harry said and took another photo.

Louis closed his eyes, and rested his face against Liam's chest. He didn't want to look at Harry, it wasn't a good time now. But Liam, cute and innocent Liam, had no idea that the guy in front of him was Harry.

“Love, turn around, he want to take us a picture" Liam murmured aloud.

“Do you say 'love' to him, too? Well. Let's go, love. Just a photo. I want to have a memory of how beautiful you are to each other,” Harry said, obviously in an ironic tone, adjusting his camera again.

Liam frowned slightly, but smiled for the photo, innocently. Louis turned and looked at the ground.

“Oh come on, love. You have beautiful eyes, look at the camera,” Harry said and took a photo. The flash bothering too much for Louis's taste.

Liam frowned again as he felt Louis's stiffness beside him and the presence of this guy taking pictures of them. Well, Harry was actually taking pictures of Louis now.

"Enough," Liam said, obviously noticing Louis's discomfort, also his own, he wasn't going to deny it.

Harry, like the jealous dog he was, straightened up and looked defiantly at Liam. “You know who I am?”

Liam frowned even more and looked at Louis, waiting for an explanation. No, he didn't know who he was but he could get an idea.

But then Louis, foolish and drunk Louis, had to jump into a well himself.

“Harold, stop, this is not a good time," he said, and soon felt Haylie's small hand hold his own.

“Harold?" She asked, looking at his dad, and again at Harry. "Is Harry your Prince Harold, Daddy?"

Harry's gaze fell from Louis to Haylie at any moment when he heard that. His hands trembled; his heart was pounding so hard he felt like throwing up. He looked at the little girl in front of him, so many adverse emotions inside his chest that he couldn't choose one to focus on. He was angry and yet excited, he also felt deep sadness, fear, happiness and disgust, all at the same time. He didn’t know what he should feel at that moment, and he felt completely lost.

This all must be a big confusion, but his mind was already jumping into conclusions.

Harry looked at Louis, who was as pale as he'd ever seen him. He was visibly drunk, but also too conscious to look terrified of the situation.

Louis leaned down and took Haylie in his arms, cupping her head on his shoulder. He looked at Harry, with tears in his eyes. That was enough for his own to begin to run out.

“Her name is Haylie," Harry said and swallowed hard. Louis nodded. "She’s almost 5 years old..." he continued. Louis nodded again, and Harry nearly sobbed and covered his mouth. “She looks like me...”

Liam observed that Louis was crying at any moment, hugging Haylie tightly, as if he was afraid someone would take her away. Harry was crying too. Haylie raised her head and looked at her father. Concerned, she also began to cry.

”Daddy?”

Liam approached them and whispered to Louis. "I'm taking her with Lottie," he said and removed her from his father's arms. At first Haylie didn't want to release Louis but she looked at Liam and trusted him so she allowed him to carry her.

Harry followed Haylie with his eyes, not wanting to detach himself from her. Louis was with his hands on his waist, looking at the ground and biting his trembling lips. Harry looked at him, waiting for an answer, anything.

"Louis?" He said, his voice trembling.

Louis looked up instantly, but not his face. He was ashamed, terrified. He didn't want this to happen this way, not this way, it was not the time.

”Louis?" Harry demanded again. He wanted to hear something, whatever.

“She's your daughter," Louis said, and he sobbed.

Suddenly he felt nauseous, wanting to run out for air, but he couldn't move, he was frozen.

Harry didn't say anything else, he just looked at the ground for a few moments and then looked up. Louis was looking at him.

“Why?” He asked and laughed half-heartedly. He patted his sides, looking around and then at Louis. “Why?” He repeated, this time more wobbly. Like trying to get someone to come and explain to him at once why Louis has done this to him.

”Harry," Louis tried to stop him when he saw that he had grown tired of waiting for an answer and had started to walk toward the exit. "Harry!"

Harry turned in a moment, Louis had not been aware that they had caught the attention of several people around them. And Harry was working, this was a sensitive personal moment and he couldn't put on a show there.

When Louis came up with the idea of being parents, he agreed with that, but he was never sure he wanted the same thing at the time. He adored children, of course, he was the godfather of Gemma's first child; but he never imagined waking up one day to discover that he was the father of a 4-year-old girl. How Louis could have hidden something like that from him?

And the girl was beautiful. She was like Harry, but no one could say it out loud exactly. Her hair was curly, and she had piercing green eyes, like his. Harry felt his heart sink into his stomach with the amount of love he already felt for her. His daughter.

”Why have you done this to me, Louis?" He finally said when they were in front of the exit door. The early morning breeze hitting their wet faces. Harry hadn't stopped crying, neither had Louis.

“Harry, I..." Louis said and swallowed. The words couldn't get out of his mouth. He really had a lot to say and yet he couldn't say anything now.

Harry didn't want to hear any wavering shit right now. He wanted to hear a coherent answer as to why the hell Louis believed he could hide a daughter from him.

“Don't give me any shit, Louis," he murmured, fury pouring from his mouth. "And I don't care that you're drunk now, I need a reasonable answer right now. Why?”

“Harry, I don't - I can't now," he said and looked back. He touched his head suddenly, then his stomach. Nausea invaded his body.

Harry was still in a trance, as if he wasn't fully aware of the magnitude of the problem, although he was angry, he needed to break something, he wanted to hit Louis, he could scream, or cry.

He opted for the latter.

“I hate you, Louis” he sobbed and turned, walking to his car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking longer than normal, is that someone offered to be my beta and I was waiting for the chapter to be returned so I could publish it. I hope you like it :)
> 
> I have a question for you ... did you really believe that everything would be solved so easily? that louis and Harry were going to be together again as if nothing happened ??? Didn't you forget the little detail named Haylie? hehe you should prepare tissues for the next chapter :) ❤️


	19. Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too

Louis watched Harry drive off to his car and had a deja vu from 5 years ago when he couldn't stop the love of his life from walking away.

After a few minutes, where he was able to stabilize himself, he decided to return to the party to go in search of his daughter. Liam and Lottie were trying to reassure Haylie, as she was somewhat worried that she had seen her father cry.

“You're okay? Liam told me everything. I'm so sorry that things turned out this way, Lou, I-“

“Now is not the time" Louis interrupted her. He had taken Haylie into his arms and right away the little girl rubbed her eyes, settling into her sleeping space. Her father stroked her hair and kissed her forehead.

They soon apologized to Perrie, saying that they would later explain why they were leaving the party so early.

Harry returned after half an hour, as he had to keep working. He wasn't surprised when he noticed that Louis was already gone. They would have their moment to continue their conversation anyway.

••••••

Louis kissed Haylie's forehead for the tenth time as he watched her sleep on her bed. He wiped the tears from his face, biting his lip to keep from sobbing out loud. He knew Lottie and Liam are waiting for him in the living room, but he just didn't want to leave his daughter alone. The girl was in perfect condition, sleeping peacefully as she was exhausted; the problem was that Louis didn’t want to face reality. He now had to face the storm that was upon him and he was not even prepared for it.

"Lou ..." Liam whispered from the doorway.

Louis turned right away, wiping his eyes roughly on his shirt sleeve, nodding. "I'll be right away," he whispered as he got out of bed. He tucked Haylie up and left the room. "Is Lotts still downstairs?"

"She's in the kitchen, making us coffee. Do you want tea?" Liam asked as he stroked the dry tears from Louis's face.

"Yes, I ... I'll be right down. I'll go to the bathroom for a minute." Louis pointed to his room. "I need some aspirin, my head hurts too much."

"All right. I'll wait for you downstairs,” Liam promised, coming over and kissing his cheek.

After 10 minutes, he went down the stairs heading towards the dining room. There were Lottie and Liam talking very secretly. Louis was never going to admit it out loud, but he knew perfectly well that they were talking about him.

It was almost 6 in the morning when they finally finished talking. They did not touch on the important issue, neither Liam nor his sister wanted to bother him, there would be time to talk about that.

Liam had said that he would go home to rest, but Louis insisted that he stay with him. They both lay down on his bed.

••••••••

The next morning Louis woke up to the aroma of coffee and pancakes; in addition to contagious laughter that came from the room continued. He was alone in bed, there was no sign of Liam.

He stood up and walked into Haylie's room to find Lottie playing with her niece. Apparently the little girl was feeling too lazy to get out of bed and her aunt was urging her to do so, assuring her that her breakfast was ready.

"Hey, girls ..." Louis greeted as he walked into the room and lay down on Haylie's bed next to her. "Make room for me ..." he asked the little girl.

Haylie obeyed and made room for him on the bed, soon laying her curly hair on her father's chest. "Good morning, Daddy."

"Good morning, love."

Lottie smiled and rose from the chair she was sitting in, heading for the door. "Liam is making breakfast, don't be late."

Louis nodded and kissed Haylie's forehead. "C'mon darling. We can't be rude to Liam"

"Okay ..." Haylie nodded and raised her head to look at her father. "Daddy, can I ask you something?"

Louis looked the little girl in the eyes, losing himself in them, like every time. "You can ask me anything."

Haylie nodded, it was the answer she expected. She knew that her father ended her doubts about anything she questioned.

"Are you going to tell me who Harry is? The man who took pictures at Perrie's wedding? You called him Harold and then you both yelled a lot and cried. Is he the same Harold you told me about? Your prince?"

Louis chewed on his lower lip, then let out a heavy sigh. The moment was going to come, but he didn't imagine it would be so soon. Haylie was too observant and a little walking memory, she never missed anything, much less forgot.

He nodded.

"Yeah ... Harry, the man you met last night."

"Does that mean he found you? That he realized that you are also his prince? And what about Liam then?"

"No, love, no. It doesn't work like that"

"But... why?"

"I have to tell you about him, Haylie. You have to know the whole truth, but… ” Louis suppressed the sudden urge to cry and hugged his daughter tight. "I swear I'm going to explain everything to you, my love, you just have to understand that you are the most important thing I have in life and that will never change, okay? You are my life, nothing more, and ..."

"Am I interrupting?" Liam pounded on the door as he stepped into the room. "Breakfast, sleeping beauty"

Haylie got out of bed suddenly. "Liaaaaammm," she said cheerfully.

Louis snorted loudly and smiled, "No, but thanks."

Liam cut through every tense atmosphere there was, just in time.

They all ate breakfast and lunch in peace, without any worries. In the afternoon, before going home, Liam suggested inviting them to the park for ice cream. Late at night, he was about to say goodbye when Louis's phone began to ring. His terrified face hinted to Lottie and Liam of who it might be.

Louis apologized to them, walked to the back door that led to the gallery, and sighed before answering.

"Hi..."

> _We need to talk._

"I know, I just ... I ask you time to-"

> _Do you want more time? How much more? Another five years? Oh no, if you want I can give you time until Haylie turns twenty, that will fine for you?_

"Harold .."

> _NO, Louis. I'm not going to give you more time. I was waiting all day for you to call me and you weren't able to. We have to talk ... We have to talk. Now. I'm going to your house. Tell me your address_

"Are you crazy? You can't come, Haylie is here, we can't do this like that. I have to talk to her first. I have to prepare her little by little for-"

> _Louis, I am going crazy. I need answers, I need to listen to you, I want to try to understand. Please ... please, Lou_

Louis sighed heavily. He would be lying if he said that listening to Harry so desperate didn't completely destabilize him. He recognized that tone of speech and knew perfectly well that Harry was about to cry, if not was already crying.

His whole body trembled. He gave himself a few more moments to answer.

"I'm going to ask Lottie to stay with her; I'll go to your house in half an hour, okay?"

> _Okay_

"Baby..."

> _WHAT?_

"Breathe, okay? I hear you upset and I just want you to calm down. I'm going to give you all the answers you need, but please, just ... don't cry."

> _I hate you, I hate you so much ..._
> 
> _Please, come..._

Louis wandered into his house, meeting curious gazes from Liam and his sister. They were both eagerly awaiting a comment about that phone call. Louis wasted no time in doing it.

"He wants to see me ... now. Lotts, can you stay here with Haylie tonight?"

Lottie nodded. "Sure, don't worry. Go talk to him... are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just he's very upset and ..."

"I'll go with you," Liam proposed immediately. "You don't have to do it alone. I can be there, accompanying you."

"I have to do it alone, Liam. I have to explain how things were, and ... I prefer to be alone with him. I hope you understand."

Liam nodded. "Okay"

"Thanks anyway." Louis walked over to Liam and kissed his forehead. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

It was true, Louis had to talk to Harry alone, have a long conversation about how things had happened. Although he did not feel ready to do so, the moment had come and he could no longer hide. Hearing Harry cry through the phone broke his heart ... again.

▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎

The moment Louis walked through the door, and saw him with tears in his eyes, he pushed himself toward Harry; desperate to have him around and get his forgiveness. He knew that he wasn't going to do it with a simple hug, but he needed to. He felt as broken as Harry.

"Baby, I-“ he began, still unable to formulate a coherent sentence. He was hugging him tightly, although Harry didn’t reciprocate at any time. “Harry, love...”

Harry swallowed hard, closing his eyes and his fists tightly at the sides of his body, fighting with himself to reciprocate the hug.

Losing, or letting yourself win by desire.

“Kiss me, Louis," he begged, and a few tears fell down his cheek. “Kiss me”

Louis broke the embrace, detaching his face from Harry's chest, immediately tracing his lips to melt into a kiss. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis's waist, desperately pulling him to his body to be impossibly closer. The kiss was bittersweet. Both faces were wet with tears. Much anguish contained by both, knots in their throats. Harry wanted to yell at him so much, Louis wanted to explain everything.

After a few seconds, Harry broke the kiss, denying. His logical side beating the moment. They needed to speak. He needed to hear more than anything.

“Enough," Harry said, and wiped his mouth, followed by his tears. “Enough, I need to listen to you. I need-“

Louis nodded, wiping the corner of his mouth as well, and wiping the dry tears from his face with the palm of his hand. Yes, of course, Harry needed explanations and he had to give them, it was time.

Harry walked towards the living room, Louis followed with hesitant steps, always looking at the floor, not wanting to find those photographs that he had seen previously and that did him more harm than maybe it should.

He took a seat on one of the sofas and linked his hands, resting them on his knees. He sighed and took a breath. Harry was still standing, wondering if he should sit next to him or not.

Louis then spoke.

“I wanted to be a father..." he said and wiped away the new tears that rolled down his cheek. “You could call me selfish, I don’t care. In my mind I knew that I wouldn’t fall in love with anyone else to the point of wanting to have children with that person, I-“ he said and sighed. "I wanted to be a father with or without you, Harry," he said and lifted his face, meeting the sad gaze of his ex boyfriend.

Harry was folding his arms and biting his lips hard, they didn't stop trembling.

“So I went to the clinic again for further studies, explaining that I had now decided to continue the treatment by myself. I felt so alone, Harry. So, so alone,” he confessed, looking him in the eye. “I just wanted to give all my time and love to someone else, I wanted a person who would never leave me alone... My mother was the most important person in my life and I assumed I wanted to have someone who loved me like that shape. I wanted that unconditional love of a son, I suppose.”

Harry was holding back his tears, he didn't want to give in and hug Louis to calm his anguish because he was betrayed, he couldn't fall that easy.

“A few weeks later they called me to say that we had to repeat the session or whatever it is called, because she had not been able to get pregnant..." he said and swallowed.

“We had repeated the studies, and it turned out that..." he muttered and swallowed. “They told me that they had made a mistake and that she was 15 or 16 weeks pregnant... obviously it could be either your baby or mine," Louis lied.

He knew that the truth shouldn’t be shameful because being infertile is not something one should be ashamed of, on the contrary. But obviously, he didn't want Harry to know that his manhood was flawed or something.

“When she was born I realized she was your daughter," Louis finished and looked at Harry again.

“Why didn't you tell me she was pregnant in the first place?" Harry broke the silence. He was really mad. “Why? What made you believe that it was good idea?”

“Harry, you didn't want that responsibility back then. You wouldn't have reacted well if I told you.”

“What the hell did you know how I was going to react?!”

Louis frowned and stood up, Harry had raised his voice to him, he wasn't going to keep quiet. “You broke up with me because you didn't want any fucking responsibility for anything, much less a baby who was on the way!”

“Who gave you the right to make a decision about a child without my consent?"

“You wanted freedom, to go out to parties, you didn't want to change diapers, Harry, for God's sake. I did it for you! I didn't want to ruin your life”

"Are you saying that a son ruins your life? Haylie ruined yours?”

“That's not what I mean and you know it. Don't do what you always do, don't change everything in your favor. I'm just saying that…” he said and sighed. “I was afraid that if I told you that you didn't want to continue with the treatment, that you would try to avoid it, I don't know. You didn't want that at the time, Harry. I didn't because I was a son of a bitch who wanted to hurt you by hiding something like that from you. I just wanted to avoid you a displeasure... you wouldn't have understood it back then, maybe you would have even blamed me for it.”

His voice sounded sincere and Harry didn't want to admit but he actually knew that Louis wasn't lying. At least not in this.

“I didn't want you to feel committed to coming back with me just because a son was on the way who would be ours. I wanted you to come back to me because you loved me, not because you had no choice.”

"I came back for you, Louis. I loved you,” Harry said and let his tears fall.

Louis nodded and walked over to Harry, taking his hand, looking him in the eye. “I know and I swear that if I could go back in time everything would have been different. I'm so sorry, Harry. I'm really sorry.”

Harry still didn't know if he could forgive Louis now or at some point in the future, but in the meantime, he needed to cry. He hugged Louis with all his strength. Louis reciprocated the hug too, rubbing his back. He knew that this was just beginning and that at some point he would have to give more details or perhaps really tell him how things happened. Harry would be more understanding.

“I wanted to spare you a responsibility I knew perfectly well you didn't want to have, Harry," Louis whispered in his ear, kissing his temple as he slowly broke their embrace.

“You didn't give me a chance to make a decision, Louis." Harry cried and brushed his face away. "You didn't give me a chance, I ...”

“You would have been angry, you would have screamed, you would have escaped, you would have hated me ...”

“Maybe yes, but... she was already here and I would have loved her." Harry cried louder. “I would have loved her despite being angry, she’s my daughter.”

Louis covered his face with both hands, crying too.

"What will we do now? Huh, Louis? What will we do? How are we going to tell her?"

Harry walked over to the couch and sat on it. Louis followed him sitting on the opposite couch. They both looked into each other's eyes at all times.

"I need time, I have to talk to her. Little by little, tell her a bit more about you"

"More about me? Did you talked to her about me? Does she know that you are not her biological father?"

"No, Harry, of course she doesn't know that... but she knows about you, yes. I talked to her about you once."

"What did you say to her? Am I the bad guy in the story? Does she think I'm the villain? What did you say to her?"

Louis smiled. _God,_ Harry was so predictable. Obviously he believed that Louis had painted him as the bad guy when in reality, he could only say beautiful things about him.

"I told her the truth... I told her that you had been the love of my life, Harry."

Harry was quiet for a moment and gulped. "I was that for you?"

"Don't act surprised."

"All right. And what did she think about that? What else did you tell her about us?"

Louis sighed and settled into his seat. He was going to tell him everything, or well, almost.

"She was curious about me. I was always alone, I never introduced her to any woman, she didn't see anyone next to me, so ... Well, she asked me why I didn't have a wife, why didn't she have a mom like her classmates ..."

Harry was listening carefully.

"I told her that there was no need for a mom and dad, that we were a family anyway. And obviously afterwards she asked me how she was born."

"Oh God." Harry smiled genuinely.

"Yes, I know," Louis laughed. "I told her that women carried babies in their wombs and since I didn't have a wife, a very good woman lent me her belly so that she could be born."

"How sweet, Mr. Poulston ..." Harry said in a flirtatious tone. "Daddy..."

"Stop," Louis cut him off, logically embarrassed by the tone Harry had used. He knew him and knew perfectly well that he was making these comments to change the subject. "Are you okay?"

Harry laughed, obviously without humor. "No."

"Do you want to rest? Do you want me to go and come back another day?"

"No, Louis. I don't want you to go, I want ... I want you to tell me more about her, please."

Louis smiled sadly. He stood up and took a seat next to Harry. He took a moment and began to speak.

"Haylie is ... well, she's amazing, really. She's an intelligent girl, very mature for her age. She's delicate, always wants to be well groomed, wear dresses like princess and stuff. She is very, very cheerful, always smiling. She's popular in her class, friends with everyone. She's calm, doesn't throw too many tantrums like when she was younger. She talk all the time; she's always asking questions. She's very observant, and remembers everything you say to her. She likes cereal with milk. She loves ice cream: Sky cream and chocolate with almonds. She loves watching movies, she's obsessed with princesses ..."

Louis stopped for a second remembering something and kept talking.

"Last Christmas I bought her a huge frozen castle for her dolls, she loves it, she plays with it all the time. Mhm ... she likes to color, she likes to listen to bedtime stories at night but she doesn't fall asleep if I don't say goodbye to her. She likes to go to the park, she likes to swim...".

Louis paused again, wondering what else he could add of the thousands of beautiful qualities his daughter had.

"She's very kind and polite, always says 'please' and 'thank you'... and I don't know what else I could add. She is truly the sweetest girl I have ever met, and she gives the best hugs."

"Wow ..." Harry was speechless. "She really sounds perfect."

"She is. She's perfect, Harry."

"And you sound like a real father... So proud of her…" Harry added, his voice a little cracked.

"Haylie is the most important I have in life ... I love her more than anything in the world. I give my life for her."

"I want to meet her ..." Harry said, firm and sure, "I want to see her, I want to share time with her, I want her to know who I am."

Louis sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, thinking what he would say next.

"I know, I'll tell her the truth and I need time to think about how to explain it to her and-"

"I don't want to wait any longer, Louis," Harry cut him off. "I want to tell her who I am, at least give us that, the chance to her to get to know me and to know the truth from me. I want to be her father too. I want her to love me in the same way she loves you."

Louis frowned. "You're a stranger to her, I have to tell her."

Harry denied and crossed his arms. It seemed like he was fighting with himself not to say swearing or something. He caught himself and snorted.

"I'm a stranger because I was deprived of know about her, remember? Don't be an asshole now, Louis. You don't want to have me as your enemy right now, believe me."

Louis frowned. "Are you threatening me?"

Harry smirked. That typical superb smile that Louis knew all too well.

"No, Louis. I'm just telling you that I want MY daughter to know who her real father is."

"Haylie is my daughter," Louis said and stood up, walking toward the exit. "She is my daughter and I decide how and when I will talk to her about this matter."

"So this is how we do things? Do I have to call my lawyers, then?" Harry got to his feet, following Louis's steps toward the door. "I'm talking to you, Louis."

Louis turned around, and Harry saw him with tears in his eyes, trembling.

"Listen to me well, Harry," he said and brushed his tears away. "Haylie is MY daughter. Only mine. I agree that she have to know that you are her biological father but you will not get more. You will have no right ... to anything. So call your fucking lawyers or whoever you want. I am not afraid of you."

And with that, Louis left Harry with the words in his mouth, stepping out of the apartment into the cold night breeze.


End file.
